Saturday, April 21, 2012

job jokes/ joke twists/ marriage joke

Apr. 18 Job jokes: I got these from Daily Silly.

Here's one:

I think I deserve a raise," the man said to his boss. "You know there are three other companies after me." "Is that right?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?" "The electric company, the phone company, and the gas company."

Me: Yeah, you thought he was being hired by other companies, but really the man needs to pay his bills.

Here's one:

An employee went to see his supervisor. "Boss," he said, "we're doing some heavy housecleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife asked me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're shorthanded," the boss replied. "I can't give you the day off." "Thank you," said the employee. "I knew I could count on you!"

Me: I like the reversal of situations here.

Here's another:

An interviewer examined the job application, then turned to the prospective employee. "I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start. However, I see you've written down AMAP for required salary. I don't believe I'm aware of what that means." The applicant replied, "As Much As Possible!"

Me: I was kind of eh with this joke.

Here's one:

A husband raced into his house. "I've found a great job!" he exclaimed to his wife. "The pay is incredible, they offer free medical insurance, and give three weeks vacation!" "That does sound wonderful," said the wife. "I'm glad you think so," replied her husband. "You start tomorrow."

Me: This is my favorite. I thought it was going to be a marriage joke, but it's a job joke. That is good to have free medical insurance.

Apr. 21: Here's a long job joke:

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do. The farmer told him to clean the crap from the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.

At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"

The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with crap, but now you ask me to make decisions."

Short jokes: I like these because it's short. There is a set-up and a punchline.

Here's one:

A politician asked a minister, "What is something the government can do to help the church?" "Well," the minister replied, "quit making one- dollar bills."

Here's another:

Barbershops were in red-hot competition. One put up a sign advertising haircuts for seven dollars. His competitor put up one that read, WE REPAIR SEVEN-DOLLAR HAIRCUTS.

Joke twists: I like this one because they're talking about different things.

A man went to his doctor. When the doctor entered the examining room, the man cried, “My hair is falling out! Can you give me something to keep it in?” “Of course,” said the doctor reassuringly, and he handed the man a small box. “Will this be big enough?”

It kind of reminds me of Angel season 1 where Wesley comes to LA.

Wesley: I'm a rogue demon hunter.
Cordelia: What's a Rogue demon?

Wesley meant a lone demon hunter.

Story joke: Here's one:

Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 300 stories high.

Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 100 stories, Tom will crack jokes.

The second 100 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story. They then started up the steps.

After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.

Me: I was like "Damn it."

Marriage joke: This is from Daily Silly. There's kind of a twist to it.

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said. "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know I would have gotten out today."

Me: What? That's what you're crying about?

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