|
Saturday, April 28, 2012
funny video/ My Chemical Romance/ The Dandelion Girl
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Mayan community in Guatemala shouldn't pay to clean up Goldcorp's mess
I got this from Amnesty International:
http://www.amnesty.ca/iwriteforjustice/take_action.php?actionid=864&utm_source=Informz&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=Informz
Sign Petition on Goldcorp's Marlin Mine: Canadian mining company could leave impoverished Indigenous community with multi-million dollar bill to pay
Dear friend,
Your SUPPORT is needed to help defend the human rights of the Indigenous Peoples living in Guatemala's western highlands, near San Marcos. Goldcorp's Marlin Mine in Guatemala is one of the company’s most profitable gold mines, but the company is making decisions without the full participation of the Maya peoples whose drinking water and farm lands may be affected.
Alex Neve
Secretary General
See Allan Lissner's photo exhibit of Marlin Mine, "Someone Else's Treasure"
http://www.amnesty.ca/iwriteforjustice/take_action.php?actionid=864&utm_source=Informz&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=Informz
Sign Petition on Goldcorp's Marlin Mine: Canadian mining company could leave impoverished Indigenous community with multi-million dollar bill to pay
Dear friend,
Your SUPPORT is needed to help defend the human rights of the Indigenous Peoples living in Guatemala's western highlands, near San Marcos. Goldcorp's Marlin Mine in Guatemala is one of the company’s most profitable gold mines, but the company is making decisions without the full participation of the Maya peoples whose drinking water and farm lands may be affected.
Act now to urge Canadian mining company Goldcorp to act
responsibly and respect the rights of Mayan people living near the mine.
Please sign the petition.
sign the petition.
Goldcorp has just provided
the Guatemalan government with a proposal for how they will clean up the Marlin
site. But Goldcorp developed the plan without
any meaningful involvement of the Indigenous peoples whose basic human rights
are at stake. Affected communities do not know how the company plans to
clean up the site, monitor it for problems over the next 20 or more years, or
who they will be able to turn to when problems arise.
Furthermore, the company has put up a mere $1 million bond as a guarantee that it will follow through on its clean up plans. Respected, independent studies indicate that the actual costs could be much higher over many years. The Mayan peoples should not be left with the possibility of having to pay for the long-term, high costs associated with mine-site remediation and monitoring. They must be fully involved in making decisions now which will affect the health of their communities over the next few decades.
Furthermore, the company has put up a mere $1 million bond as a guarantee that it will follow through on its clean up plans. Respected, independent studies indicate that the actual costs could be much higher over many years. The Mayan peoples should not be left with the possibility of having to pay for the long-term, high costs associated with mine-site remediation and monitoring. They must be fully involved in making decisions now which will affect the health of their communities over the next few decades.
Amnesty International is calling on investors to support a shareholder
resolution that will be presented at Goldcorp's upcoming Annual General
Meeting (AGM) in South Porcupine, Ontario, on April 26. To encourage investors
to support the resolution and to show Goldcorp’s investors that Canadians
and human rights defenders around the world think that this issue is important,
Amnesty International is collecting signatures on a petition in support of the
resolution.
If you contribute to the Canada Pension Plan (CPP) you should know that the CPP’s Investment Board holds $177 million in shares in Goldcorp, and millions more in many other extractives companies. As shareholders, we need to speak up against profit over human rights!
Goldcorp has pledged its commitment to respect for human rights. But the company has not yet met recommendations to improve its consultation practices. Social tensions in the communities around the mine run high. Individuals in San Miguel Ixtahuacán who oppose the mine have been shot, intimidated and threatened. Peaceful protestors have been assaulted.
The shareholder resolution and the petition are supported by communities in Guatemala. The number of petition sign-ons will be presented to the company and media at the time of the Goldcorp AGM .Let's make our voices heard. Please sign this petition and share it
widely.Yours Sincerely,
If you contribute to the Canada Pension Plan (CPP) you should know that the CPP’s Investment Board holds $177 million in shares in Goldcorp, and millions more in many other extractives companies. As shareholders, we need to speak up against profit over human rights!
Goldcorp has pledged its commitment to respect for human rights. But the company has not yet met recommendations to improve its consultation practices. Social tensions in the communities around the mine run high. Individuals in San Miguel Ixtahuacán who oppose the mine have been shot, intimidated and threatened. Peaceful protestors have been assaulted.
The shareholder resolution and the petition are supported by communities in Guatemala. The number of petition sign-ons will be presented to the company and media at the time of the Goldcorp AGM .
Let's make our voices heard. Please sign this petition and share it
widely.Yours Sincerely,Alex Neve
Secretary General
Amnesty International
Canada
See Allan Lissner's photo exhibit of Marlin Mine, "
Someone Else's Treasure"
job interview/ year reviews/ new direction
|
Monday, April 23, 2012
You're ready to act (Amnesty International)
You care about urgent issues – like this critical action for U.S. women.
http://takeaction.amnestyusa.org/siteapps/advocacy/ActionItem.aspx?c=6oJCLQPAJiJUG&b=6645049&aid=517286&msource=W1204EAWMN1
Dear Tracy,
Act.
That's what 15,000 of you told me Amnesty does best. Here are some other things I learned from last month's survey responses:
You believe Amnesty International makes an impact on human rights by mobilizing supporters like you.
You're ready to act -- you want to attend rallies, get online and use social media to contact elected officials, write letters, and connect with families and friends.
You've got priorities. You want to work on behalf of individuals, defend the human rights of women, and respond to crisis situations around the world as they develop. And we see strong interest in working on lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender rights; immigrant rights; and corporate responsibility.
A big thank you to everyone who took the survey. We are already using the information to develop cutting-edge tools that will create an even greater impact and help us respond quickly to developing situations.
Let's get started today. Congress is about to vote on the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA). This legislation aims to protect women from violence and exploitation, but at this moment, many critical parts of the bill -- provisions that would protect Native American women, lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people, and immigrant women in particular -- are in danger of being left out.
The U.S. Senate is scheduled to vote on the bill within a week - Tell your Senator that we need a strong Violence Against Women Act that protects ALL women.
Thanks again for all you do for Amnesty,
Suzanne Nossel
Executive Director
Amnesty International USA
http://takeaction.amnestyusa.org/siteapps/advocacy/ActionItem.aspx?c=6oJCLQPAJiJUG&b=6645049&aid=517286&msource=W1204EAWMN1
Dear Tracy,
Act.
That's what 15,000 of you told me Amnesty does best. Here are some other things I learned from last month's survey responses:
You believe Amnesty International makes an impact on human rights by mobilizing supporters like you.
You're ready to act -- you want to attend rallies, get online and use social media to contact elected officials, write letters, and connect with families and friends.
You've got priorities. You want to work on behalf of individuals, defend the human rights of women, and respond to crisis situations around the world as they develop. And we see strong interest in working on lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender rights; immigrant rights; and corporate responsibility.
A big thank you to everyone who took the survey. We are already using the information to develop cutting-edge tools that will create an even greater impact and help us respond quickly to developing situations.
Let's get started today. Congress is about to vote on the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA). This legislation aims to protect women from violence and exploitation, but at this moment, many critical parts of the bill -- provisions that would protect Native American women, lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people, and immigrant women in particular -- are in danger of being left out.
The U.S. Senate is scheduled to vote on the bill within a week - Tell your Senator that we need a strong Violence Against Women Act that protects ALL women.
Thanks again for all you do for Amnesty,
Suzanne Nossel
Executive Director
Amnesty International USA
Apocalypse 2012/ blog/ foster kids
Apr. 16 Apocalypse 2012: I was watching Doc Zone on Jan. 5, 2012. It was about the end of the world being Dec. 21, 2012 because it's the last day on the Mayan calender. They interviewed builders who make bomb shelters.
They talked to Lawrence Joseph, author of Apocalypse 2012 and Aftermath.
LJ: Someone who makes claims on baseless fears isn't helpful.
They interviewed Patrick Gewryl, a 2012 survivalist. He says: "In a Mayan book about how solar flares will come to Earth, and make the planet spin backwards."
They talked to Pam Walters who believes in the end of the world. I googled her name and got this:
http://www.december212012.com/believers_list.htm
John Hoopes is a professor of anthropology.
Dr. David Morrison is a NASA space scientist and mentions: "Y2K. People are scared. They think about killing themselves."
George Noory is a radio host: "Be prepared, not scared."
They mentioned the movie 2012 with John Cusack. Here's more about the film:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2012_%28film%29
Jose Arguelis wrote the book The Mayan Factor. Check it out:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Mayan-Factor-Beyond-Technology/dp/0939680386
Lorne Dawson is a religious studies professor.
They talked to Dennis McClung, a 2012 survivalist. There was Jim too, and he won't tell his last name. He was wearing sunglasses, and a handkerchief on his face. Jim said Planet X Nibru will hit Earth.
Peter Gersten is a 2012 survivalist and he believes at 11:11 am, he will jump off a cliff into a portal to save the world.
Apr. 21 My friend N: I got on Twitter so I could look for a job. Then I opened up all my email addresses contacts list and N is on Twitter. I followed him. He's the guy I met at the bus stop last month and haven't heard from since though I email him weekly. I thought I got a break by getting on Twitter.
He had put a phone number on there, so I called it asking for him. A woman answered saying I got the wrong number.
Blog: Ricky Wu read my blog and sent me this email:
"Hey i was wondering on your blog: http://badcb.blogspot.ca/2009/02/oryx-and-crake-essay.html
you have very good ideas that i used in my essay and i was wondering how i should cite this blog in mla format?"
So I sent him a link on how to cite my blog. Just type "Cite blog in mla format" on Google.
Here's another one. Christine Chu emailed me last year. Then she emailed this to me this year:
Hey Tracy!
It's been awhile (last year) since I told you about the diet/fitness "level-up" website I've been working on with some friends... Just want to let you know our website + app are both finally out. If you want to check it out, or use it, it's at slimkicker.com.
It took longer than I expected!! Let me know what you think, and hope you can share it in your blog if you think it can be useful. :)
Have a great day!
Christine
slimkicker.com
Me: I went to the website, and it's okay. I didn't get the app because I'm not totally interested in dieting. If you are interested, then check it out.
The Vertex Fighter: I realized something. All I have been doing is writing about actors and music I could use in my script The Vertex Fighter. I then decided to email some writers and producers to see if they read my script. It turns out I haven't done that in nearly 2 months.
I was busy with working full-time at my job, and my 2nd part-time temporary job. I have also been looking for a office job and going to interviews. So that's why I spent 2 hrs tonight going on Linked In and sending emails.
Writing: It's good to write down your actions by blog or journal. It makes you stay on track with your goals. I remember reading in the Globe and Mail business section of the newspaper "Focus on tasks that bring the most results." I would say working at my job brings money. Looking for an office job will bring even more money.
Cool website: I get this email from Steal the Deal which is a coupon kind of site. They sent me this coupon for Continental Treat Fine Bistro. I like the website. The mouse is followed by wine glasses and bottles. They play classical music in the background like a real fine dining restaurant would play.
There is a lunch and dinner menu, it's kind of pricey though.
http://www.ctfinebistro.com/
Apr. 23 Foster kids: I was watching 20/20 on Dec. 2, 2011. It talked about how foster kids take lots of prescription medication. They take 8-13 medications at the same time. Kids talk about being abused and neglected like not being fed. They talk about being over medicated and wants to stop. After they stop taking the drugs, they feel good and "free."
One kid talked about how after he stopped taking the meds, he was on honor roll 3 times. He says: "Doesn't mean you're in foster care, means that you should never give up and have hope." Foster kids are medicated 13 times more than non-foster kids.
Brooke was taking meds, and then went to a therapist. Brooke and her sister Kayla had a mom who's a drug dealer and a prostitute. They're now adopted.
Diane Sawyer: Can they afford therapy?
Doctor: Can they afford not to?
They talked to this black boy Keante and he's well-spoken. He is then adopted by white parents. He gets good grades.
The meds are behaviorial psychotropic drugs like Ritalin for ADHD.
Gabriel Meyers is a 7yr old foster boy who hung himself. It's ruled an accident, but the cops said the meds contributed to it. They interviewed this East Indian doctor who spent 5min with Gabriel, and how he's kicked out of of Medicaid. The doctor was arrested for cocaine.
Social worker mom (in shadows to hide identity): It's easier to give meds then spend an hour at a therapist.
Judith was 5yrs old and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She's adopted. 1 in 10 foster kids are adopted.
Keante went to court about changing the practice of giving meds to kids. He says therapy helps.
There is a residential centre called Mary Hearst for kids. Jeremiah and DJ are 6 and 8 yrs old. Jeremiah dances like Michael Jackson and the movie Grease. Their mom is a drug addict.
The therapist at the centre used to work for a pharmacy company.
Also at the centre, they talked to Sarah who's 15 yrs old. She was abandoned at 3. She looks like Avril Lavigne (my opinion.) She loves Justin Beiber.
One family saw Primetime 6 yrs ago about foster care, and they called the next day. They adopted Jeremiah and DJ.
Rogers Video: I read in the newspaper that Rogers Video is closing down because no one rents movies anymore. So buy your dvds now from there. Their wireless cellphones will be around.
Twisted Sisters Boutique: I went to a job interview and found this clothing store. It's a small and independent store. The clothes, shoes, jewelery are nice, but kind of expensive.
Tim Horton's: Last month I tried the Tim Horton's lasagna. It was average. I didn't like that it was all in a bowl. I like the lasagna where you can cut it up in slices.
They talked to Lawrence Joseph, author of Apocalypse 2012 and Aftermath.
LJ: Someone who makes claims on baseless fears isn't helpful.
They interviewed Patrick Gewryl, a 2012 survivalist. He says: "In a Mayan book about how solar flares will come to Earth, and make the planet spin backwards."
They talked to Pam Walters who believes in the end of the world. I googled her name and got this:
http://www.december212012.com/believers_list.htm
John Hoopes is a professor of anthropology.
Dr. David Morrison is a NASA space scientist and mentions: "Y2K. People are scared. They think about killing themselves."
George Noory is a radio host: "Be prepared, not scared."
They mentioned the movie 2012 with John Cusack. Here's more about the film:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2012_%28film%29
Jose Arguelis wrote the book The Mayan Factor. Check it out:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Mayan-Factor-Beyond-Technology/dp/0939680386
Lorne Dawson is a religious studies professor.
They talked to Dennis McClung, a 2012 survivalist. There was Jim too, and he won't tell his last name. He was wearing sunglasses, and a handkerchief on his face. Jim said Planet X Nibru will hit Earth.
Peter Gersten is a 2012 survivalist and he believes at 11:11 am, he will jump off a cliff into a portal to save the world.
Apr. 21 My friend N: I got on Twitter so I could look for a job. Then I opened up all my email addresses contacts list and N is on Twitter. I followed him. He's the guy I met at the bus stop last month and haven't heard from since though I email him weekly. I thought I got a break by getting on Twitter.
He had put a phone number on there, so I called it asking for him. A woman answered saying I got the wrong number.
Blog: Ricky Wu read my blog and sent me this email:
"Hey i was wondering on your blog: http://badcb.blogspot.ca/2009/02/oryx-and-crake-essay.html
you have very good ideas that i used in my essay and i was wondering how i should cite this blog in mla format?"
So I sent him a link on how to cite my blog. Just type "Cite blog in mla format" on Google.
Here's another one. Christine Chu emailed me last year. Then she emailed this to me this year:
Hey Tracy!
It's been awhile (last year) since I told you about the diet/fitness "level-up" website I've been working on with some friends... Just want to let you know our website + app are both finally out. If you want to check it out, or use it, it's at slimkicker.com.
It took longer than I expected!! Let me know what you think, and hope you can share it in your blog if you think it can be useful. :)
Have a great day!
Christine
slimkicker.com
Me: I went to the website, and it's okay. I didn't get the app because I'm not totally interested in dieting. If you are interested, then check it out.
The Vertex Fighter: I realized something. All I have been doing is writing about actors and music I could use in my script The Vertex Fighter. I then decided to email some writers and producers to see if they read my script. It turns out I haven't done that in nearly 2 months.
I was busy with working full-time at my job, and my 2nd part-time temporary job. I have also been looking for a office job and going to interviews. So that's why I spent 2 hrs tonight going on Linked In and sending emails.
Writing: It's good to write down your actions by blog or journal. It makes you stay on track with your goals. I remember reading in the Globe and Mail business section of the newspaper "Focus on tasks that bring the most results." I would say working at my job brings money. Looking for an office job will bring even more money.
Cool website: I get this email from Steal the Deal which is a coupon kind of site. They sent me this coupon for Continental Treat Fine Bistro. I like the website. The mouse is followed by wine glasses and bottles. They play classical music in the background like a real fine dining restaurant would play.
There is a lunch and dinner menu, it's kind of pricey though.
http://www.ctfinebistro.com/
Apr. 23 Foster kids: I was watching 20/20 on Dec. 2, 2011. It talked about how foster kids take lots of prescription medication. They take 8-13 medications at the same time. Kids talk about being abused and neglected like not being fed. They talk about being over medicated and wants to stop. After they stop taking the drugs, they feel good and "free."
One kid talked about how after he stopped taking the meds, he was on honor roll 3 times. He says: "Doesn't mean you're in foster care, means that you should never give up and have hope." Foster kids are medicated 13 times more than non-foster kids.
Brooke was taking meds, and then went to a therapist. Brooke and her sister Kayla had a mom who's a drug dealer and a prostitute. They're now adopted.
Diane Sawyer: Can they afford therapy?
Doctor: Can they afford not to?
They talked to this black boy Keante and he's well-spoken. He is then adopted by white parents. He gets good grades.
The meds are behaviorial psychotropic drugs like Ritalin for ADHD.
Gabriel Meyers is a 7yr old foster boy who hung himself. It's ruled an accident, but the cops said the meds contributed to it. They interviewed this East Indian doctor who spent 5min with Gabriel, and how he's kicked out of of Medicaid. The doctor was arrested for cocaine.
Social worker mom (in shadows to hide identity): It's easier to give meds then spend an hour at a therapist.
Judith was 5yrs old and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She's adopted. 1 in 10 foster kids are adopted.
Keante went to court about changing the practice of giving meds to kids. He says therapy helps.
There is a residential centre called Mary Hearst for kids. Jeremiah and DJ are 6 and 8 yrs old. Jeremiah dances like Michael Jackson and the movie Grease. Their mom is a drug addict.
The therapist at the centre used to work for a pharmacy company.
Also at the centre, they talked to Sarah who's 15 yrs old. She was abandoned at 3. She looks like Avril Lavigne (my opinion.) She loves Justin Beiber.
One family saw Primetime 6 yrs ago about foster care, and they called the next day. They adopted Jeremiah and DJ.
Rogers Video: I read in the newspaper that Rogers Video is closing down because no one rents movies anymore. So buy your dvds now from there. Their wireless cellphones will be around.
Twisted Sisters Boutique: I went to a job interview and found this clothing store. It's a small and independent store. The clothes, shoes, jewelery are nice, but kind of expensive.
Tim Horton's: Last month I tried the Tim Horton's lasagna. It was average. I didn't like that it was all in a bowl. I like the lasagna where you can cut it up in slices.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Guatemalans shouldn't pay to clean up Goldcorp's mess
I got this from Amnesty International:
http://www.amnesty.ca/iwriteforjustice/take_action.php?actionid=864&utm_source=Informz&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=Informz
Sign Petition on Goldcorp's Marlin Mine:
Canadian mining company could leave impoverished Indigenous community with multi-million dollar bill to pay
Carmen Mejia
Carmen Mejia: one of the local activists who has been threatened for speaking out about the impacts of the Marlin Mine
Sign petition
Your SUPPORT is needed to help defend the human rights of the Indigenous Peoples living in Guatemala's western highlands, near San Marcos.
Goldcorp's Marlin Mine in Guatemala is one of the company’s most profitable gold mines, but the company is making decisions without the full participation of the Maya peoples whose drinking water and farm lands may be affected.
Sign the petition now!
Act now to urge Canadian mining company Goldcorp to act responsibly and respect the rights of Mayan people living near the mine.
Please sign the petition.
Amnesty International is calling on investors to support a shareholder resolution that will be presented at Goldcorp's upcoming Annual General Meeting (AGM) in South Porcupine, Ontario, on April 26. To encourage investors to support the resolution and to show Goldcorp’s investors that Canadians and human rights defenders around the world think that this issue is important, Amnesty International is collecting signatures on a petition in support of the resolution.
If you contribute to the Canada Pension Plan (CPP) you should know that the CPP’s Investment Board holds $177 million in shares in Goldcorp, and millions more in many other extractives companies. As shareholders, we need to speak up against profit over human rights!
Goldcorp has pledged its commitment to respect for human rights. But the company has not yet met recommendations to improve its consultation practices. Social tensions in the communities around the mine run high. Individuals in San Miguel Ixtahuacán who oppose the mine have been shot, intimidated and threatened. Peaceful protestors have been assaulted.
The shareholder resolution and the petition are supported by communities in Guatemala. The number of petition sign-ons will be presented to the company and media at the time of the Goldcorp AGM .
Let's make our voices heard. Please sign this petition and share it widely.
Yours Sincerely,
signature
Alex Neve
Secretary General
Amnesty International Canada
http://www.amnesty.ca/iwriteforjustice/take_action.php?actionid=864&utm_source=Informz&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=Informz
Sign Petition on Goldcorp's Marlin Mine:
Canadian mining company could leave impoverished Indigenous community with multi-million dollar bill to pay
Carmen Mejia
Carmen Mejia: one of the local activists who has been threatened for speaking out about the impacts of the Marlin Mine
Sign petition
Your SUPPORT is needed to help defend the human rights of the Indigenous Peoples living in Guatemala's western highlands, near San Marcos.
Goldcorp's Marlin Mine in Guatemala is one of the company’s most profitable gold mines, but the company is making decisions without the full participation of the Maya peoples whose drinking water and farm lands may be affected.
Sign the petition now!
Act now to urge Canadian mining company Goldcorp to act responsibly and respect the rights of Mayan people living near the mine.
Please sign the petition.
Amnesty International is calling on investors to support a shareholder resolution that will be presented at Goldcorp's upcoming Annual General Meeting (AGM) in South Porcupine, Ontario, on April 26. To encourage investors to support the resolution and to show Goldcorp’s investors that Canadians and human rights defenders around the world think that this issue is important, Amnesty International is collecting signatures on a petition in support of the resolution.
If you contribute to the Canada Pension Plan (CPP) you should know that the CPP’s Investment Board holds $177 million in shares in Goldcorp, and millions more in many other extractives companies. As shareholders, we need to speak up against profit over human rights!
Goldcorp has pledged its commitment to respect for human rights. But the company has not yet met recommendations to improve its consultation practices. Social tensions in the communities around the mine run high. Individuals in San Miguel Ixtahuacán who oppose the mine have been shot, intimidated and threatened. Peaceful protestors have been assaulted.
The shareholder resolution and the petition are supported by communities in Guatemala. The number of petition sign-ons will be presented to the company and media at the time of the Goldcorp AGM .
Let's make our voices heard. Please sign this petition and share it widely.
Yours Sincerely,
signature
Alex Neve
Secretary General
Amnesty International Canada
job jokes/ joke twists/ marriage joke
Apr. 18 Job jokes: I got these from Daily Silly.
Here's one:
I think I deserve a raise," the man said to his boss. "You know there are three other companies after me." "Is that right?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?" "The electric company, the phone company, and the gas company."
Me: Yeah, you thought he was being hired by other companies, but really the man needs to pay his bills.
Here's one:
An employee went to see his supervisor. "Boss," he said, "we're doing some heavy housecleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife asked me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're shorthanded," the boss replied. "I can't give you the day off." "Thank you," said the employee. "I knew I could count on you!"
Me: I like the reversal of situations here.
Here's another:
An interviewer examined the job application, then turned to the prospective employee. "I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start. However, I see you've written down AMAP for required salary. I don't believe I'm aware of what that means." The applicant replied, "As Much As Possible!"
Me: I was kind of eh with this joke.
Here's one:
A husband raced into his house. "I've found a great job!" he exclaimed to his wife. "The pay is incredible, they offer free medical insurance, and give three weeks vacation!" "That does sound wonderful," said the wife. "I'm glad you think so," replied her husband. "You start tomorrow."
Me: This is my favorite. I thought it was going to be a marriage joke, but it's a job joke. That is good to have free medical insurance.
Apr. 21: Here's a long job joke:
The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do. The farmer told him to clean the crap from the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.
The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.
The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.
At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"
The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with crap, but now you ask me to make decisions."
Short jokes: I like these because it's short. There is a set-up and a punchline.
Here's one:
A politician asked a minister, "What is something the government can do to help the church?" "Well," the minister replied, "quit making one- dollar bills."
Here's another:
Barbershops were in red-hot competition. One put up a sign advertising haircuts for seven dollars. His competitor put up one that read, WE REPAIR SEVEN-DOLLAR HAIRCUTS.
Joke twists: I like this one because they're talking about different things.
A man went to his doctor. When the doctor entered the examining room, the man cried, “My hair is falling out! Can you give me something to keep it in?” “Of course,” said the doctor reassuringly, and he handed the man a small box. “Will this be big enough?”
It kind of reminds me of Angel season 1 where Wesley comes to LA.
Wesley: I'm a rogue demon hunter.
Cordelia: What's a Rogue demon?
Wesley meant a lone demon hunter.
Story joke: Here's one:
Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 300 stories high.
Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 100 stories, Tom will crack jokes.
The second 100 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story. They then started up the steps.
After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.
Me: I was like "Damn it."
Marriage joke: This is from Daily Silly. There's kind of a twist to it.
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes I do." she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said. "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"
"Yes I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know I would have gotten out today."
Me: What? That's what you're crying about?
Here's one:
I think I deserve a raise," the man said to his boss. "You know there are three other companies after me." "Is that right?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?" "The electric company, the phone company, and the gas company."
Me: Yeah, you thought he was being hired by other companies, but really the man needs to pay his bills.
Here's one:
An employee went to see his supervisor. "Boss," he said, "we're doing some heavy housecleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife asked me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're shorthanded," the boss replied. "I can't give you the day off." "Thank you," said the employee. "I knew I could count on you!"
Me: I like the reversal of situations here.
Here's another:
An interviewer examined the job application, then turned to the prospective employee. "I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start. However, I see you've written down AMAP for required salary. I don't believe I'm aware of what that means." The applicant replied, "As Much As Possible!"
Me: I was kind of eh with this joke.
Here's one:
A husband raced into his house. "I've found a great job!" he exclaimed to his wife. "The pay is incredible, they offer free medical insurance, and give three weeks vacation!" "That does sound wonderful," said the wife. "I'm glad you think so," replied her husband. "You start tomorrow."
Me: This is my favorite. I thought it was going to be a marriage joke, but it's a job joke. That is good to have free medical insurance.
Apr. 21: Here's a long job joke:
The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do. The farmer told him to clean the crap from the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.
The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.
The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.
At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"
The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with crap, but now you ask me to make decisions."
Short jokes: I like these because it's short. There is a set-up and a punchline.
Here's one:
A politician asked a minister, "What is something the government can do to help the church?" "Well," the minister replied, "quit making one- dollar bills."
Here's another:
Barbershops were in red-hot competition. One put up a sign advertising haircuts for seven dollars. His competitor put up one that read, WE REPAIR SEVEN-DOLLAR HAIRCUTS.
Joke twists: I like this one because they're talking about different things.
A man went to his doctor. When the doctor entered the examining room, the man cried, “My hair is falling out! Can you give me something to keep it in?” “Of course,” said the doctor reassuringly, and he handed the man a small box. “Will this be big enough?”
It kind of reminds me of Angel season 1 where Wesley comes to LA.
Wesley: I'm a rogue demon hunter.
Cordelia: What's a Rogue demon?
Wesley meant a lone demon hunter.
Story joke: Here's one:
Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 300 stories high.
Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 100 stories, Tom will crack jokes.
The second 100 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story. They then started up the steps.
After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.
Me: I was like "Damn it."
Marriage joke: This is from Daily Silly. There's kind of a twist to it.
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes I do." she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said. "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"
"Yes I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know I would have gotten out today."
Me: What? That's what you're crying about?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)