Feb. 9, 2022: I was going through my old physical news articles and I found this:
Dec. 6, 2012 "Where do you draw the line on lying in a relationship?": Today I found this article by Kate Carraway in the Globe and Mail:
The Jungle is a column that uses connections through social media to explore the fault lines in adult relationships.
Lying and being lied to is eternal, especially within the structures of a relationship. But contorted versions of the truth, misrepresentations ballooned to Jeff Koons proportions and straight-up lies have apparently become so common that I've been out with men who neglected to mention a) a long-term, live-in girlfriend, b) a wife, and c) a baby. A baby!
There are lies of omission (like just not mentioning a serious girlfriend);
lies informed by some sexual magical thinking (like "I have a girlfriend, but it isn't serious");
and straight-up lying (like "I'm single").
Sometimes a new-relationship lie is for self-preservation; sometimes it's motivated by embarrassment.
A friend of mine DM'd me on Twitter about a lie he once told: "I pretended I wasn't living with my parents." He writes "I would get dropped off at an apartment I 'picked,' then go inside, then wait, then take cab home." He says "It went on for months. I played the 'I have a demonic roommate' card, for why they could never come up. Worked like a charm."
This kind of lie is pretty typical of an early thing. Sometimes, lies can challenge whether an early thing is a "thing" at all.
@AbbyCarney tweeted me about a guy who, after much "I'm into you" stuff like flirting, cuddling in bed, cooking, road tripping and movie watching, said that he couldn't meet up because "he was going on a date. Later I went to a party where I was introduced to his lady." She added later: "We were clearly at the start of something. … He played with my hair, stroked my arms, spooned me."
It gets way darker when the lies are about someone's very identity. "Meredith" e-mailed me about her ex-boyfriend, an accomplished fabulist whom she was already living with when she found out that he had lied about almost everything, to her and everyone else.
Her boyfriend's university degrees, work history, lake house, financial stability, and relationships with famous people (that one, maybe she should have seen coming) were all fabricated.
Meredith says: "I'm not sure why he felt compelled to tell half-truths; in his own right he was pretty successful."
It seems like maybe liars are more often trying to make their reality more appealing – as a single person, or a better person – than to purposefully deceive.
The truth hurts; lies do too, though not at first.
Beth is a 28-year-old sales director who lives in the east end. Beth’s style is “classic, with the occasional trend.” She says, “I’m bubbly and friendly, kind, loyal and reliable. I laugh and smile a lot, and I love to have fun and hang out with my friends, but I am extremely passionate and ambitious.” She likes to “travel, go to the movies and go to bars for drinks” and says, “I’m always down to try a new restaurant.” Beth dated “a lot” in university, but says those relationships were “extremely complicated.” She is looking for “someone who is reliable, who I can trust and laugh with, someone who is patient and understanding and down-to-earth.”
I met Michel on the first day of a new job. I thought nothing more of him than being a colleague. I wasn’t initially attracted to him because he’s so outside of my usual type — he’s quite a bit older than me.
It wasn’t until we began working on the same projects that things changed and I found my admiration for Michel growing. I liked his confidence and the way he supported me. He was the corporate edition of my knight in shining armour. We became really close.
Our conversations are always good, and I trust him and he trusts me. I realized I had a crush on him, which was dangerous considering I had only recently started my job and Michel was my superior.
What bothered me more, though, was the fact that I was alone in my thoughts and feelings about us. Or so I thought.
I’m definitely the kind of person who goes for what she wants, even if there’s a good chance that I won’t get it. I’ve always figured that taking the chance was better than going crazy not knowing if you should’ve done something. But since so much was a stake, work-wise, I decided not to do anything about my crush on Michel.
One night, our colleagues were having after-work drinks. I wasn’t feeling it but decided to go anyway because Michel was going to be there. I had already decided that I wasn’t going to act on my feelings, so maybe that made me more relaxed, and as the night progressed, Michel and I grew noticeably more comfortable and casual around each other. It felt like being with a close friend, but with a spark.
As we hung out that night, I started to realize that the spark wasn’t one-sided. We laughed and egged each other on, and I sat close to him and he inched closer to me. Over the course of the night, we got quite drunk, and one thing led to another, and I told him I wanted something to happen between us.
When it was time to head home, he offered to wait with me for my Uber. For once, the wait for an Uber came in handy. I faced him and leaned closer and closer, getting more excited about how quickly things were escalating, even as it was happening. Soon his lips were on mine, and the next thing I know, we were having the most passionate make-out session. It was intoxicating. I had my hands in his hair and was kissing him, but was still in shock that it was happening, and also thinking how right it felt. I was also excited to be with someone so much older. I cancelled the Uber three times to prolong the moment before leaving.
Dating Diaries: I wanted more from my co-worker, but I knew it was a bad idea | The Star
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