"Friendship is key to happiness"/ "Family issues a turn off for potential new friend"

Sept. 10, 2019 "Friendship is key to happiness": Today I found this article by Linda Blair in the Edmonton Journal:

Friendship is vital.

Those of us who are part of a strong friendship group are more likely to live longer, as Julianne Holt-lunstad at Brigham Young University discovered in her meta-analysis of 148 studies across the world.

And those who have good workplace friendships perform better and report a more positive work attitude, according to Seok-hwi Song at the University of Seoul.

There are countless definitions of good friendship but, in my opinion, five qualities stand out.

The first is that the friendship nourishes both individuals. Each feels supported and cared for, and both look forward to spending time together.

Second, there is trust. Each knows they can count on the other to be honest but accepting, even when one or both change.

Commitment is the third quality. Both are prepared to put time and effort into the relationship, even when they’re physically far apart.

Fourth, balance. Although at any given moment one may ask more of the other, over time each individual gives and takes equally.

Fifth, the relationship is uplifting and rewarding, allowing both individuals to feel energized and positive.

The size of our social network appears to be fairly stable across age groups, gender, time and culture.

According to Robin Dunbar at the University of Oxford, the number of individuals any of us can claim to recognize and feel familiar with — about 150 — is based on the amount of interpersonal information the human brain can process. 

Within the 150 are three layers — five or so intimate friends, about 15 very good friends and around 50 close friends.

However, not all friendships are beneficial. Some, known as “toxic friendships,” can actually damage well-being, causing low self-esteem, self-doubt, anxiety and fatigue.

There may even be physical consequences — some researchers have found correlations between toxic friendships and systemic inflammation as well as higher rates of heart disease.

If you think a friendships is toxic, what should you do?

Write down which aspects cause distress. Ask yourself how you’d like things to change. 

Can you make any of those changes? If not, try talking to your friend.

If they’re willing to make changes, give the friendship a chance as long as you feel it’s safe to do so. If not, or if there are no changes within three to six weeks, it would be best to end the relationship and focus instead on other, healthier friendships.

Sept. 30, 2019 "Family issues a turn off for potential new friend": Today I found this advice column by Andrea Bonior in the Edmonton Sun.  A customer left it at my 2nd restaurant job:

Q.

A potential friend told me about a recent conversation where her father exploded with violence and threw furniture across the room and hit her mother. She insists what he did “wasn’t so bad” and she “can handle it.” 

She’s started texting little things about her day and wants to get together again and is clearly trying to build a friendship. 

I’d be friends with her if she had a realistic view of her family’s behaviour and drew safe boundaries around it. 

I know most people would just be “too busy” to get together, but that’s cruel and cowardly. Should I be honest? Or do you have a better script?

A.

I agree she deserves the truth. Ghosting people is rarely justifiable from a do-unto-others standpoint, and being honest could plant the seed she and her mother are in an objectively dangerous situation that shouldn’t be condoned by anyone. 

So, use your discomfort to help her. There are no magic words, but try to make it less about whether her behaviour measures up to some yardstick (so I’d ditch the “deal-breaker” part, which — though it makes sense).

Instead, focus on your concern about the situation. “I understand your stance about your family, and how hard it must be. But the fact you are accepting the status quo makes me worried for you, and honestly, I would take on so much stress about the situation, I don’t think I can be the kind of friend that you would want.”

My opinion: That's good advice.  This woman needs counseling and help for her situation with her dad.