Sunday, April 15, 2018

"For love and technology"/ "Love me, Tinder"

Feb. 13, 2018 "For love and technology": Today I found this article by Melissa Rayworth in the Edmonton Journal.  This is about using technology in long- distance relationships, but I find that this is applicable to all my friendships.  They are long -distance.  They live in my city, but they are busy with their full-time jobs so that's why I send 3 emails/ blog posts a week:

When people ask how my husband and I get through months spent on different continents, the conversation always turns to technology.

Just a generation ago, long-distance calls were rare and expensive. Today, a video call costs nothing, and it takes only seconds to connect. We can pop in on each other throughout the day, and supplement those calls with ongoing messaging conversations to share everything from little jokes to big feelings at a moment's notice.

It's almost as if we're in the same room much of the time.

Only we're not. And that's the challenge: Digital communication brings us a lot of connection, and it's probably the reason so many couples are attempting long-distance relationships these days. But the illusion of intimacy and physical presence isn't the same as actually being together. A shared virtual existence comes with speed bumps that couples may not always see coming.



To communicate well, we need to see how others react to what we're saying, says George Loewenstein, a professor of economics and psychology at Carnegie Mellon University. "This kind of synchronicity of communication," he says, is very important and something romantic partners expect.

When communication with your partner happens over typed messaging, phone conversations and grainy video calls, and that vital information is lost, a partner can easily seem inattentive or out of sync.

And even on a particularly clear video call, which seems to offer us a chance to look directly into the room where someone is, there's a crucial piece missing: If you look at the other person's face while you're speaking, they see you looking slightly away from them. If you look into the camera to give them the sense that you're looking directly at them, then you're not really seeing their facial expression and picking up on small, nonverbal clues.

WHAT TO DO: Understand that you're missing this information, and discuss it.



It's our instinct to assume that other people are a whole lot like us and to find ways that we're similar, says Cait Lamberton, an associate professor of marketing at the University of Pittsburgh, who studies online behaviour and decision-making. "In relationships, it would actually be awkward to seek out ways you're different," she says. "When you talk, you seek out ways you're the same."

But when we share daily life with a partner in person, a fuller picture emerges: We notice differences because they pop up in front of us. And in long-term relationships, we notice our partner growing and being impacted by new experiences.

"In the online world, you have a much more impoverished set of clues," Lamberton says. "You're going to assume this person is going to remain the same as they've always been."

WHAT TO DO: Keep asking questions about daily experiences, Lamberton says, and check in about changes. And if you'll be making occasional visits to see each other in person, don't just stay in weekend vacation mode, says Galena Rhoades, associate professor of psychology at the University of Denver.

Make sure you see your partner in various settings, like at work and with new friends, to know more about their daily life.



Long-term couples, especially those raising a family and running a household together, have many different kinds of conversations on a given day. In the real world, we usually keep them reasonably separate: We don't talk about which groceries we need from the store while we're on a romantic Friday night date.

Even in close-proximity relationships, there are times when "those different kinds of talk get kind of mixed up together," Rhoades says. But the problem is more common when you're communications are limited by miles and time zones.

WHAT TO DO: Be sensitive. Make room for all the different kinds of conversation, and notice when it's clear which kind your partner is looking to have. And if your partner makes a misstep, be patient.



"Technology is only as good as the internet connection, which is often not so great," Loewenstein says. "It's so difficult not to, on some unconscious level, blame the other people. To direct the frustration to the person you're communicating with."

Long-distance phone calls, especially over WiFi, can also include a slight delay. So it's easy to talk over each other without realizing your partner has more to say.

If a lot of calls are marked by this frustration, couples can start associating partner interaction with annoyance and stress.

On days when the tech connection is perfect, couples may have the opposite problem: Instant and free access across the miles can make us feel obligated to be in constant touch. We may feel pressure to share all details instantly, which can be exhausting. And that also leaves no time for processing thoughts.

WHAT TO DO: Be patient, and remind yourself that this amazing technology remains highly imperfect. The beauty of writing letters, says Rhoades, was that people took time to synthesize and summarize their experiences, and found carefully chosen words. Long-distance couples who grant themselves that same time may find that they say more, with more meaning, than they do in a contant stream of dashed-off commentary.

My opinion: I definitely agree with the last part.  It's good to send 1 email/ blog post a week with the "my week" part.
Feb. 14, 2018 "Love me, Tinder...": Today I found this article by Lisa Bonos in the Edmonton Journal:

Meredith Golden, married mother of two, will take over your dating apps and impersonate you for $2,000 a month - doing all the matching and messaging. Here are her do's and don'ts for finding a valentine online.

- Don't ask, "Hey, what are you looking for?" Note in your bio what kind of relationship you want, but avoid asking about specific character traits. Men are more inclined to ask this, Golden says. But, "It's such a silly question."
Even the "right" answers don't mean much until you've met and can judge whether you have chemistry. "Just because someone's perfect on paper, that doesn't mean you're going to mesh well," she adds.
I can confirm this. On an app date last fall, my date kept asking what I was looking for and not-so-subtly telling me he fit the criteria. In his mind, maybe, but not in mine.
- Keep the conversation moving. "If someone asks you a question, respond and ask a question back," she says, and do so in a timely manner - back and forth twice a day so you don't lose momentum. This sounds easy, yet anyone on dating apps will tell you it's apparently very difficult.
- Be consistent. Some singles will say something like "Wednesday's my dating-app day." It doesn't work that way, Golden says. "You can't be on for 16 hours a day," she notes. But if someone spends 30 minutes a day swiping and messaging, Monday through Friday, that could yield them one date a week.
- After three to four days of chatting, schedule a date or move on. You have to do more than message to make dating apps work. That person who messages consistently, asking about your day, your week, your weekend - over several weeks or weekends - without asking you out? He just wants a pen pal. "They're on there to boost their ego," Golden says. "They're dating app recreationalists; they're just on it for sport."
Golden remembers messaging with one man, on behalf of a client, and to nudge him to ask her client out, she said how much more fun she is in person. He responded that he'd never met anyone from an app and never would. "I really hate my job," he said, "and this is a good way to spend my day."
To weed out the office pen pals, Golden suggests asking someone out after three to four days of messaging. It's fine if you schedule a week or two weeks out. Just get something on the books. If a date isn't happening by then, unmatch and move on.
- When scheduling that date, stay in the app. When someone asks for a phone number to segue to texting and schedule a date, there's a high drop-off rate. So "keep it in the app until you're scheduled," Golden suggests.

My opinion: Those are good tips.  The part about a guy on an app and doing it just to talk to people got me angry.  This was way back in 2012 when I was talking to Counselor #1 about how to deal with my anger.  Let's write about the lessons you learned from it.

Where do I start?

1. You're at work, so do your work.  Unless you have completed it, and have free time, then you may do whatever.  This reminds me when I was working at the Office Job in 2013.  I am at a call centre and the workers are allowed to read magazines (there were lots of women magazines because women worked here) and we had internet access. 

When it's not busy and we're waiting for a call, we can read.

2. You're wasting other people's time on this app or dating site.  Unless you clearly state you are just looking for friends or whatever relationship you want. 

Apr. 11, 2018 Time and effort: When I was a kid or teen, I know about how much time and effort to put into activities.  My best subjects in school were English and Social Studies so I didn't have to put much effort in it.

My worst subjects were math and science and I had to put a lot of time and effort in that.  I had my sister tutor me in high school math and it was like 15-25 hrs a week of her helping me with Applied Math 20, Applied Math 30, and Pure Math 30.

I'm annoyed about the above guy wasting other people's time.

My week:

Apr. 11, 2018 Facebook dancing video: I was on Facebook, and I see my co-worker Vladimir put up a video of him dancing to the song "Music sounds better with you" by Stardust.  It's a 33 sec video.  

I have mentioned that it's hard to write about dancing.  Here is the description of his movements.  He is mainly dancing with his feet and legs by running to the beat of the song.

You do have to watch it.  He is running backwards at first.

Prema Lee Gurreri: I found this woman in 2015.  I was listening to all these telesummits and it lead me to her.   I have been listening to these interviews this week as I do my job search.  You may find her too New Age, but if you listen to her, she is calm and positive:

Prema Lee Gurreri is committed to creating a world where everyone is empowered to live on purpose, in a way that is aligned with their divine gifts and their birthright of true prosperity.

Prema guides and teaches entrepreneurs, visionaries, and change agents to lead with their unique, divine gifts and talents, and fully align with their purpose and passion to create wealth for themselves and the world simply by being who they are and doing what they love to do.

Our souls already know what we are supposed to do to create wealth and make our impact. Prema reveals your Soul Success Map™ and helps you unlock your Sacred Wealth Code™ to discover your unique, divine gifts and talents. With these, you can find and engage in a conscious business where you will thrive.

You can listen to these interviews: 
The Woodrack Café: I went to a job interview around here.  I checked this café.  The décor is nice and cozy.  The food was muffins, soup, and sandwiches. 

Apr. 12, 2018 "Stranger on Plane Adopts Woman's son after chance encounter: 'They were meant for each other'":
Samantha Snipes‘ life was turned upside down in 2016 when she learned she was pregnant by her abusive then-boyfriend. Now, she says one chance encounter proved to be the “light at the end of the tunnel” she needed to save herself — and her son.
“After finally gaining the strength to leave my abusive relationship, I found myself in a very dark and lonely place mentally,” Snipes tells PEOPLE. “I knew I loved this life inside of me, but I didn’t love myself or the place I was in at that time. I loved [my son] so much and that’s why knew he deserved better.”
At 12 weeks pregnant, Snipes fled to her mother’s home in Arkansas where she spent months stressed and depressed as she struggled to plan a future for herself and her unborn baby. Her mother offered to raise the child, but Snipes says she knew that would not be best.
Soon, Snipes’ confusion turned to clarity when, at eight months pregnant, she decided to fly to North Carolina to visit her new boyfriend. She ended up missing her connecting flight during the trip and, after booking another, she found herself seated on a plane next to Temple Phipps.

“She was so welcoming and bubbly and sweet. She was exactly the person I needed to meet at that moment when I was terrified and scared and alone,” the now-25-year-old tells PEOPLE of Phipps. “Neither of us should have been on that plane. I was so anxious to meet my boyfriend and terrified of having no plan for my child. She felt like a longtime friend after just a few minutes of talking.”
The two women spent about an hour on the plane talking, laughing, crying and sharing stories. Snipes told Phipps all about her past struggles, and Phipps, who is single, expressed to Snipes that she had always wanted children.
“It went from a total stranger to feeling like a person I’ve known my entire life,” Snipes adds of the random encounter.
The two parted ways when they landed, with Phipps returning to her North Carolina home and Snipes meeting with her boyfriend. However, Snipes unexpectedly ended up going into labor during the trip, about three weeks early. She says that even though her boyfriend was supportive, she desperately wanted to call Phipps.
Apr. 13, 2018 Ex-parte: I was watching Criminal Minds and this ep was called that.  I looked it up:

"with respect to or in the interests of one side only or of an interested outside party."
The highlight of the week: 
New friend: There's this guy Adam who waits at the bus stop with me.  We talked about that TV show called Adam Ruins Everything.  I saw a few episodes of the show.  It's like I know some things that the host talks about, but then he shows even more things that I don't know:
"Iconoclastic Adam Conover from CollegeHumor turns life as we know it on its ear by showing us how unnecessary, and sometimes horrible, things we think we know to be real and true really are."
This show is edu- tainment.  
Job interviews: I did 6 job interviews.
Mon: Fast food place.
Wed: Coffee shop and an office.
Fri: Fast food place, nice full- service restaurant, and a car company.
Deception: My sister as usual tells me to delete episodes after watching it.  She's watching this show because it's so much like Castle of a law enforcement woman teams up with a consultant outside of law enforcement to solve crime:
"Cameron Black is the world's greatest illusionist. At least, that's what people used to call him - before his greatest secret was exposed and his career destroyed. Even worse, Cameron has good reason to believe this was no accident."
I watched 4 episodes this week and it's pretty good.  It's light and fun to watch.
Apr. 14, 2018 Spell check: I see Metro news has turned to Star Metro.  The slogan is:

Effect change.

Effect should be affect.  Effect is a noun (a thing).  Affect is an verb (action.)

Apr. 15, 2018 The Hallway Café: Today I found this article by Liane Faulder in the Edmonton Journal

Smith is part of the inaugural cohort of folks, ages 16 to 24, with a variety of challenges who are part of a new program called The Hallway Cafe. The program is designed to teach life and work skills necessary to move from poverty toward success on the job or at school.

Born of Kids in the Hall, a ground-breaking program initiated some 20 years ago by the Edmonton City Centre Church Corp. (e4c), The Hallway Cafe and Takeaway has renovated the old space and refined the former training system, adding new elements designed to increase chances of success for participants.

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