I'm posting this article in in honor of International Women's Day (Mar.8). Men and women are victims of domestic violence, but women are more likely to experience it.
Feb. 16, 2017 "'The one that got away' was escaping abuse": Today I found this article by Zosia Bielski in the Globe and Mail:
New ad campaign for Toronto women’s shelter reveals what abusers may actually look and sound like
A passenger asks her cabbie about “the one that got away” – the ex-girlfriend who’s still on his mind – and he names her instantly: Ellie. The sixty something driver remembers Ellie’s smile and friendship, and their painful breakup: “I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep.” And then his green eyes grow cold: “I’d call and call and call …” the man says, drumming the steering wheel with a thick hand.
The cabbie features in a provocative new Valentine’s Day advertisement from Interval House, a Toronto women’s shelter, that turns the romantic trope of “the one that got away” on its head.
The startling video shows three actors remembering the women who left them: one guy stands in a gym, explaining how he’d buy his ex oysters after a bad fight; another guy, in a suit at work, complains about his “dramatic” ex, promising he won’t give up on their relationship.
While you empathize at first, the script quickly turns dark: These men are not lovelorn, but abusers who have been stalking their exes.
“The only thing worse than feeling sorry for them is having to go back to them,” reads the tag line for Interval House, which describes its mandate here as “40 years of helping women be the one that got away.”
It’s dark fare for a day normally devoted to saccharine tokens of love, but it’s relevant. For women with violent partners, holidays such as Valentine’s Day and Christmas are a powder keg, putting stress on relationships that already have their own profound pressure points.
The ad, a collaboration with Union, a Toronto-based advertising agency that has worked with Interval House for four years, powerfully shifts the focus from the victim to the offender – unique in the dialogue about domestic abuse. Free of roses and hearts, the message here is thought-provoking for those who have experienced intimate partner violence, and for those who mercifully haven’t.
The Globe spoke with Rachel Ramkaran, resource development and communications associate at Interval House, which provides support and shelter for women and children fleeing violence.
When we talk about domestic violence, the focus is often the female victim. We gawk at Amber Heard’s bruises and we wonder how Janay Rice could have married the fiancé who knocked her unconscious in an elevator on Valentine’s Day, three years ago. Why was it important to focus on perpetrators this time around?
There is a caricature in people’s minds of an abuser as the bumbling, drunk, non-functional man who’s taking out all the woes of the world on the person that he loves.
That’s not really what it usually looks like. Abusers are very good at making themselves look good to people outside of the relationship. The worst of it is always what happens behind closed doors.
A question that survivors are often asked is why they stayed. It is hard to leave, and that’s because abusers often have a very suave side. Their partners believe that this side is the true man – that this side can come out if only she can get it out of him. The men portrayed in your ad are all charming and high functioning – not at all monstrous. Then things get darker, jarringly fast. It’s a sharp turn for the audience.
The video is a flip of the script. You kind of fall for the guys at first. You think they’re really sweet. But as the video goes on you realize there is manipulation, possessiveness, harassing phone calls.
You start to pick up on the subtle things that just aren’t right – that it wasn’t the healthiest relationship. We wanted to show that this is not always in your face and obvious. It can be anybody.
Anybody is capable of this. Is that sharp turn, from charming to abusive, one of the reasons it takes women five or more attempts, on average, to leave such men?
The whole campaign was designed to get at the “why” of that statistic. Ultimately in these relationships – unhealthy as they may be – there is love. A relationship doesn’t start out abusive.
There is a hope that maybe once you get through this rough patch it will be back to the honeymoon phase. A statement that’s applicable to abusive relationships is, “Don’t hang on to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it.”
We put a lot of time, effort, energy, love, care and even resources and money into a relationship. It can be hard to let it slip away. It can take quite a few times before women realize it’s not going to get better. That’s why they go back until there are no chances left to give.
The ad also turns a syrupy sentiment – “the one that got away” – on its head. When it comes to identifying abuse, is our language of romance part of the problem?
Looking at comments on social media, the use of this line in our video has become contentious. But we are not suggesting that everybody’s “one that got away” actually got out of an abusive relationship.
Most of us have a past relationship that we think on fondly. We wonder what would have happened if circumstances had changed. You can have a lost love, something that was healthy, amicable and respectful.
That’s not what this video is showing. We know that sometimes, the one that got away was safer for it. What do you say to critics who feel this unfairly paints smitten, nostalgic men with the same brush as it does abusive stalkers?
People should think about it more critically. And if this video is ringing a bell with some people, maybe it’s time to consider if there’s been harassing behaviour, or whether their breakup was the healthy breakup they thought it was. Is this a bit of a downer on Valentine’s Day?
There are certainly people who would rather see pictures of candy, flowers and kittens. There will be loads of that for them today. We needed to put this out there, too.
People have love and relationships on the mind today. It’s an opportunity to have a wider reach. We want to reach the women who need our support in order to leave a bad situation.
This interview has been edited and condensed.
Jun. 16, 2017 "Necessary conversations": Today I found this article by Elizabeth Renzetti in the Globe and Mail:
Maya Roy, 37, is the new head of the YWCA, the largest women’s service organization in Canada. The 147-year-old charity works toward improving women’s lives through its 32 member agencies across the country, campaigning for an end to gendered violence, and supporting women – often those who are most marginalized – in job training, housing and education. Roy trained as a social worker and was most recently the head of Newcomer Women’s Services Toronto.
There has been a lot of talk over the past couple of years in this country that we are finally having “necessary conversations” around violence toward women. Do you see those conversations manifesting in real change?
Yes, because I’ve seen the shift. Even with The Globe and Mail’s Unfounded series: I’ve been doing this for 20 years now, and I can tell you that, especially as racialized women, Indigenous and trans women, we are Unfounded every day.
How so?
I’ll give you an example. A couple of years ago, a newcomer woman from Afghanistan was a volunteer with our program. A man claiming to be her brother had shown up to pick her up after our drop-in program. A couple of days later, she came in and showed me the bruises on her arms. He had tried to abduct her outside her English class that morning. I called the police four times in seven hours to make a report. They didn’t come.
Seven months later, I got a visit from a York Region police detective. The man had sexually assaulted, and videotaped the assaults, of 11 women, all newcomers in his community.
At the trial, they subpoenaed my calls. The whole notion of Unfounded, I’ve seen that over the past 20 years. But the rules of the game have changed. We’re not going to ask for permission for equity. We’re going to hold institutions accountable.
You talk about how important it is for feminism to have an intersectional lens. How will that inform the work you’re doing here?
Like a lot of us, I’ve been living that intersectional piece every day, being both brown and a woman, and at one point young – though not any more! But I also can’t stop learning and growing.
For example, doing work in the settlement community around ensuring that trans and queer-identified voices are heard. If we’re not doing something correctly, trans community members will tell us, and we would need to make those changes. This young generation is not interested in asking permission, and that’s okay.
I learned a lot from Black Lives Matter Toronto. They were holding rallies after Andrew Loku was shot [by Toronto police in 2015]. That’s transitional housing for people with mental-health issues. He was holding a hammer.
As social workers, we didn’t do a good job as a sector in responding. It wasn’t until Black Lives Matter began raising those issues and having a march that we started to pay attention. As a society, we failed someone who was among the most marginalized. It taught me where things were missing in my own work.
Are you taking the YWCA in a more political direction?
No, it’s about being responsive to community needs. I’m interested in getting things done. It can be anything from whether an ESL school expands, or someone gets a job, or if certain policies are changed for undocumented newcomers. I come from a time where, if you were getting funded as a settlement agency, there was such an advocacy chill that even talking about refugee rights was a problem.
When doctors and nurses were protesting health cuts [to refugees], I was literally standing behind them, hiding. Then all of a sudden everything changed.
What do you think are the biggest misperceptions about gendered violence?
That the work is over. That because it’s illegal we don’t need to talk about it any more.
Where is the demand increasing for your services?
Housing. Whether it’s affordable rent, or needing second-stage housing for women leaving abusive relationships. I just got back from Iqaluit, and rents there are as problematic as they are in Toronto. Women are choosing to stay in abusive relationships, because where would they go? In a wealthy country like ours, that’s really problematic.
You were the victim of an attack in 2002 [Roy had her throat cut by an assailant while working in Thailand]. How did that affect the kind of work you wanted to do?
Thank God, I had done a Wen Do women’s self-defence workshop two weeks before. If it wasn’t for that, I would be dead. Someone decided to climb a 12-foot-high fence. It was in the media, it was a really big deal in Thailand.
It made me think about and understand trauma, coming from a place of lived experience. I do work with young people who are street involved or gang involved, and when they see the scar they know this is not just something I read about in books.
This conversation has been condensed and edited.
3 comments:
Good Samaritan
3 days ago
What is disturbing about this column is the omission of children, elders and men. The statistics are clear. Spousal abuse occurs by men and to a lesser degree by women - as does elder and child abuse. This not a gender issue; it is a social issue, and group identity should not be part of the process of reducing the violence, nor should demonizing men. This article uses stereotyping - the very thinking fallacy that has hurt women.
"to a lesser degree by women"
Nope the research is in on that and women commit DV more than men. In fact the most kind of relationship to be in is a lesbian relationship. The safest? A gay relationship. Followed by a heterosexual relationship. Check the CDC.
Sigh I meant "most dangerous kind" not "most kind"...
This week's theme is about domestic violence:
"The Woman Facing Life in Prison for Killing Her Incestuous Stepdad-Turned-Husband"/ "French woman convicted of killing abusive husband walks free from court"
"Powerful new video reveals the hidden trauma of stalking victims"/ "Financial abuse is a form of domestic violence"
My week:
Mar. 18, 2022 "Halifax retiree conned out of $12K after scammers threaten her with arrest": Today I found this article by Simon Smith on CBC news:
Gay Durnford was about to make breakfast at her home in Halifax last Wednesday when she heard her phone ring.
The woman on the other end, who claimed to work for the Canada Revenue Agency, told Durnford that her social insurance number had been used in multiple scams. She said the RCMP had issued a warrant for Durnford's arrest.
The woman told Durnford, a 73-year-old retiree, that the RCMP would be in touch to confirm her identity, and hung up.
For several hours, multiple scammers intimidated Durnford over the phone and repeatedly threatened her with arrest, eventually coercing her into turning over $12,000.
Feeling she had no choice, Durnford drove to her two banks and drained her accounts, save for a few hundred dollars.
The man told Durnford she had to deposit the money into a "safe wallet," which could be accessed via a yellow machine resembling an ATM at a convenience store on Brunswick Street.
Durnford's daughter, Lisa Pottie, said she was heartbroken when her mother told her what had happened.
Eventually, Pottie's anger and frustration gave way to determination. She started doing research on phone scams and contacting the banks and the Canadian Anti-Fraud Centre. She wanted to find out how her mother was allowed to withdraw all of her money so easily.
On Tuesday, Pottie's efforts paid off. One bank informed her mother they would be crediting $6,000, the amount she withdrew, to her account.
What to do if you're targeted
The RCMP advises anyone who thinks they're being targeted by a fraudster over the phone to report it to their local police department.
"The police will never contact you directly to obtain or ask for money from you," the RCMP spokesperson said.
CRA said if you're not sure the person you're talking to is actually from the agency:
Tell the caller you want to verify their identity. A CRA employee will not be resistant to this.
Request and make note of their name, office location, a direct phone number if they have one, and the purpose for their call.
Hang up the phone and call the CRA directly at 1-800-959-8281.
The Canadian Anti-Fraud Centre also has a guide on its website explaining how to protect yourself from scams and fraud.
Halifax retiree conned out of $12K after scammers threaten her with arrest | CBC News
Mar. 20, 2022 The Calgary Philosophy Meetup: I went to this online event. I was there for 20 minutes as they talked about psychological experiments like "the marshmallow test." A 3 yr old is in a room and there is a marshmallow. They could eat it now, or wait 10 min. and get to eat 2 marshmallows. This is about delayed gratification and if they manage to wait, they will be more successful in life.
They talked about what I already know, so I left after that.
Table Topics Daily: There was one event last week and there were 4 of us.
Mar. 17, 2022 "This Country Was Just Named Happiest in the World": Today I found this article by Dobrina Zhekova on Yahoo news:
Every year for the past decade, the World Happiness Report ranks how people in more than 150 countries evaluate the quality of their lives to find the world's happiest countries. And for the past four years, the top spot has been claimed by Finland. Today, the Sustainable Development Solutions Network, which publishes the report together with Gallup World Poll, announced that the Nordic country is yet again leading the list.
Generosity, perception of compassion, freedom to make life choices, social support, and life expectancy are some of the factors evaluated when determining the rankings, with each country scoring on a 10-point scale.
Finland was named the happiest country in the world with a score of 7.821 out of 10 ahead of Denmark (7.636) and Iceland (7.557), which came in second and third, respectively. The United States came in 16th place, up three spots from last year.
This year, the most significant gains were by three Eastern European countries — Bulgaria, Romania, and Serbia — while the biggest losses were by Lebanon, Venezuela, and Afghanistan.
While 2021 was again marked by the COVID-19 pandemic, which has upended people's lives globally, including in Finland (the country faced an economic slump like many nations around the world), there is a silver lining.
"We found during 2021 remarkable worldwide growth in all three acts of kindness monitored in the Gallup World Poll," John Helliwell, professor at the University of British Columbia and editor of the report, said in a statement released to Travel + Leisure. "Helping strangers, volunteering, and donations in 2021 were strongly up in every part of the world, reaching levels almost 25 percent above their pre-pandemic prevalence. This surge of benevolence, which was especially great for the helping of strangers, provides powerful evidence that people respond to help others in need, creating in the process more happiness for the beneficiaries, good examples for others to follow, and better lives for themselves."
This Country Was Just Named Happiest in the World (yahoo.com)
My opinion: I remember when I used to watch 20/20, and Denmark was the happiest. I told this to my little brother P and he guessed it was Finland.
Mar. 23, 2022 "Self after Death: A Thought Experiment": I attended this Meetup. There are 15 of us at this online event.
If you live on in some form after your physical body dies, how will you know you are you?
The idea of an afterlife brings up an interesting philosophical topic, the nature of personal identity. We do not need to affirm belief in an afterlife to consider the topic; instead, we can look on it as a thought experiment. All this is speculative, of course, but apparently the transition from one form of existence, the physical, to another, whatever that may be, involves shedding layers of what we might call our self. The more that are shed, the closer the remainder would be to the essence of selfhood.
In this seminar we will look at the three aspects to the self defined by William James: the material, the social and what he calls the "spiritual," which nowadays we should rather call the mental or psychological. If we still exist after the physical self goes away, what will be left? I'll present my ideas and then we'll have an open discussion.
Note -- this is not a discussion of whether or not there is an afterlife. It's just a thought experiment using that idea.
If you want a preview of the ideas I'll present, see my essay "Self after Death" at https://www.bmeacham.com/blog/?p=1978.
Self after Death: A Thought Experiment | Meetup
Mar. 25, 2022 Homes for Heroes Foundation: I saw an ad for this:
The Homes For Heroes Foundation was developed in response to the growing number of military veterans who are facing crisis as they return to civilian life and find themselves on the path to homelessness. As many as 5,000 veterans are homeless and living on the streets in Canada. These veterans put their lives on the line to protect our freedoms and now they need, and deserve, our support. With your help Homes For Heroes will provide them with housing along with the resources, services and training that will enable them to successfully transition back into civilian life.
Your gift to Homes For Heroes will enable us to continue to build, equip and operate more tiny home villages for veterans across Canada. Each village will provide 5,000 to 9,000 bed-nights per year for veterans experiencing homelessness. With your support, veterans who are in crisis will have the breathing space they need to embark on the path to stability and self-sufficiency.
Homes For Heroes Foundation is a registered charity (#727544892RR0001). Tax receipts are issued for all donations over $20.
Online donations are accepted below through our PayPal portal, or through Canada Helps. Canada Helps will issue a tax receipt automatically and PayPal donations will receive a tax receipt within three weeks of receiving the donation.
Donations made by cheque can be sent to:
Homes for Heroes Foundation
Suite 900, 2424 – 4 Street SW
Calgary, AB T2S 2T4
Mar. 21, 2022 "Ukrainian Canadian businesses pivot to provide aid to a country devastated by war": Today I found this article by James Dunn on CBC news:
Canadians have responded with a range of assistance for Ukraine as more than three million people have fled the country during the Russian invasion that's now in its fourth week.
There are community donation drives, fundraisers like perogies for peace, non-profit organizations supplying immediate needs in Ukraine, people buying gear for the Ukrainian army and even Canadians enlisting to fight on the front lines.
Also eager to help, several Ukrainian-Canadian businesses have pivoted their operations to fund or deliver humanitarian aid. Three businesses with ties to Toronto and Central Ukraine told CBC News they're putting profits aside to do so.
"We're trying to do literally everything that we're able to do to help get aid into Ukraine," said Iryna Kisil, chief experience officer of Meest Group, a shipping company based in Toronto and Lviv, where shelling recently intensified.
In the first days of the war, which began Feb. 24, Meest switched from moving international packages for profit to delivering humanitarian aid at cost.
There's an urgent need for help from all sectors.
According to the International Red Cross, conditions in Ukraine have become "nothing short of a nightmare."
From shipping company to crisis courier
So far, Meest has flown 50,000 kilograms of clothing, food, medical supplies and military gear from Canada, and 280 000 kilograms of aid from the U.S. to Ukraine.
As well, 30 containers are on the way by sea.
Meest provides free shipping for medical aid and deep discounts on the rest through donations from the BCU Foundation, a charity created by Canada's largest Ukrainian-Canadian credit union.
Many of those staying are working free.
Ukrainian Canadian businesses pivot to provide aid to a country devastated by war | CBC News
