Feb. 27, 2017 "My wife has gained weight, and if things don't change I'll want a divorce": Today I found this advice column by David Eddie in the Globe and Mail:
The question
I’ve been together with my wife for nine years, married just over three. She was a soccer player, very fit, and exactly what I wanted from a wife so I stuck with her. But she gained 80 pounds about two years into our relationship. I always saw her working it out and getting back to her old self.
Instead, she has regressed further, both physically and personality-wise, whereas I am very driven and active and want to experience all I can in life. I’m at the point where if she doesn’t take things seriously soon, I’ll want a divorce. Is this wrong of me to want a deeper connection and attraction? I’ve given so much time to waiting without result.
The answer
It’s funny: We live in a culture where this is a taboo topic. It’s “fat shaming,” we should all be happy with our bodies the way they are, and so on.
And to be honest, I’d feel a lot more comfortable with this question if the sexes were reversed and it was a wife complaining about a husband.
Also, I’d love to drop bromides like: These considerations shouldn’t matter, it’s the love and spiritual connection that counts, the main thing is communication and whether you’re soulmates.
But I just can’t. Time and experience and everyone I talk to and everything I’ve read indicate otherwise.
Google “my spouse got fat.” Hundreds of online forums pop up. You tend to hear more from the women, and the common thread is along the lines of: “I love my husband, he has a great personality, but he’s become a tubby hubby and refuses to do anything about it. Now I’m finding I’m not attracted to him and thinking of leaving him. What do I do?”
It’s been a problem for me, too, I won’t lie. My wife loves me, we’re soulmates, but I’ve always wrestled with my weight. And I know my wife has wrestled with it (my weight) too.
Time passes and wrinkles and grey hair happen to everyone, but she has the right to a reasonable facsimile of the hot guy she married.
Or at least someone who’s trying. And I do: I go to the gym (I live across the street from one, so I really have no excuse), watch what I eat. I fight the fight. If I decided just to pull the ripcord and let myself go, I think you’d have to stick a fork in her, because she’d be done.
(Cyril Connolly famously said: “Imprisoned in every fat man, a thin one is wildly signalling to be let out.” But Kingsley Amis was truer and funnier, I think: “Outside every fat man is an even fatter one trying to close in.”)
Which leads me to your question. Two words jump out: “regressed” and “divorced.”
Are you sure it’s not a medical or psychological issue? If so, she should see a shrink or a doctor prontissimo.
If not – well, it’s unclear if you’re communicating your concerns, or the gravity of your concerns, but if you aren’t you should start to do so immediately.
But you have to do it gently, tactfully. Gaining weight can be a vicious cycle: you get fatter, you get depressed about it, gain more weight, etc.
You have to help her, not hurt her. It’s a fine line between insulting and “fat shaming” a person and making them even more depressed and self-conscious, and encouraging and praising them into getting their old self/mojo back.
It takes delicacy and diplomacy. Show her you care.
Meanwhile: Have you taken a long look at the man in the mirror and asked if he really loves his wife?
It was interesting, I thought, you mentioned she was fit and a soccer player and “everything you wanted in a wife,” but not one word about her personality or loving her or being soulmates.
Could you have gotten married for the wrong reasons? If so, the sooner you open the Yellow Pages to “Lawyers – Divorce” the better, so she’s still got time to find someone who really loves her.
If you can honestly say you love her, then realize: These things go in cycles. According to my calculations, in your eyes she’s been overweight for seven years – a long time, but not that long, really. If you love her, give her more time to get her old self/mojo back.
Encourage her. Praise her efforts. Maybe keep healthier food around the house, and suggest you exercise together – even if it’s just something mellow, especially at first, like going for a walk together.
But ultimately motivation has to come from within. She has to want it herself. No amount of hassling or browbeating or encouragement or praise is going to change that.
The comments: Right now there are 64 comments. I read the first 4.
Ridgeway2
5 days ago
Geez, if you wanted someone to play soccer with, join a team rather than get married.
51 Reactions
shoshanab
4 days ago
The problem is not the weight. it's the behavioural change. Look I've always been bigger, but by bigger I mean 20 pounds, that I gain and lose over and over for 25 years, not 80. And I can tell you that extra 20 goes along with a depressed attitude, no fun and not feeling great about things. And that's just 20 pounds. No one gains 80 pounds without a psychological issue.
Ignore the weight. Get counseling. Clear out the cupboards. Spend time together. See what happens.
Then again maybe she senses your lack of attraction and its a vicious circle. If that's the case then maybe counseling won't be enough. But when you leave her you gotta know she is going to lose that 80 pounds, glow with new found love and happiness and look smokin' hot again for some one else, so be prepared for that.
37 Reactions
schmingus
1 day ago
So why does it take that to look "smokin' hot again? Why can't she look smokin' hot for her husband? So he's damned if he leaves her and damned if he doesn't. I wonder if this is where that saying "you can't have your cake and eat it" came from.
4 Reactions
j_wilson
22 hours ago
Because she's depressed - and the problem is the guy who's writing the letter.
Jun. 18, 2021 My opinion: I'm rereading this advice column now. The article is still up and there are 95 comments on that Globe and Mail website.
Then like 15 min. later I go on this, and I can't read it or the comments because it's only available for subscribers. I read a few more comments like paraphrasing:
"You will have wrinkles and grey hair if you don't gain weight."
This should be a good thing that I can't read the comments, because I would be going down that rabbit hole. The comments are well-written, but it's not as productive as reading comments on the job articles.
Jun. 20, 2021: If you want to be a relationship, then you can read the relationship article and the comments because it's productive and you can learn something that you want to know.
If you're not interested in this, then you don't have to read the article or comments.
Mar. 6, 2018 "Transparency is the answer to a cycle of infidelities": Today I found this advice column by David Eddie in the Globe and Mail:
The question
I've been with my husband for a total of eight years, married for four. We are both 27. I love him. I have loved everything about him from the day we met. But I made a mistake in the beginning of our marriage and had an affair.
In retrospect, the affair had everything to do with me and my lack of self esteem, and nothing to do with anything he was lacking. Then last year my husband had three affairs of his own, moved out and came back. I've decided to give it another shot, but I'm wondering if it's worth it.
The pain I feel on a daily basis is horrible, and I'm starting to think of leaving the marriage. He seems so remorseful, but I can't help but think he's getting off the hook too easily. Essentially, his version of reconciliation was a slew of revenge affairs, screwing his pain away. My version was to take him back and work through it, no matter what he had done.
How do I get over thinking it isn't fair? That maybe I love him more than he does me? That I could forgive, but he couldn't unless he had sex with other women to make it "fair"?
The answer
Affairs are a tough issue.
Of course marriages can survive them.
Well, some do, some don't. I've read somewhere that something like 30 per cent of marriages survive an affair.
But who knows how they come up with these statistics? And anyway, as Mark Twain (crediting British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli) put it: "There are three types of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."
Each case – each marriage – is, obviously, unique. In your case, your statement, "I love him. I have loved everything about him since the day we met," kind of jumps out at me.
That's not an easy state of affairs, pardon the term, to arrange. People try and fail, try and fail, their whole lives, to find that – in other words, to find someone about whom they find every little detail enchanting.
That's something worth fighting for, if you ask me! But at the same time, you and your husband have inflicted a lot of damage on one another.
Before I proceed, I should probably issue a caveat at some point. My views on the topic of monogamy may be antiquated, antediluvian and outdated. My own children, and their fellow millennials, roll their eyes at them.
"Dad, it's just not like that any more." They seem content to exist in the grey area between "hanging out" and "hooking up" and there are a lot of "open relationships." So: fine for them. Who am I to judge?
But I'm a big believer in monogamy and fidelity and all the other stuff you vow to observe when you get married.
So having issued that caveat, I think for you and your husband to have any hope of success going forward, you have to first lose this notion of the "tit for tat" or "revenge" affair.
Secondly – and who knows, some sort of "renewal of vows" type of ceremony might be involved – you need to pledge fidelity to one another all over again.
And then reaffirm those vows on a more or less daily basis. Also, I've read, and I believe, since there tends to be a fair amount of deceit in infidelity, the best path for you both, going forward, is complete and utter honesty and transparency.
Even (and this may seem counterintuitive) when it comes to the affairs themselves. Painful as it may seem, you need to tell each other all the details and the whens and whys and wherefores.
But bottom line? Well, you reached out to me, which suggests you want to save this relationship.
But you had an affair on him and he had three on you (that you know of), which suggests to me he likes the furniture and architecture on "the cheating side of town" – and my aphorism here always used to be: Once you go through that door, the one marked Adultery, it gets easier to go through again and again.
It may be you should consider throwing in the towel on this particular relationship, and both waste no time trying to find someone a) you will be faithful to, b) who will be faithful to you.
My opinion: The advice is to be completely honest with each other. They should go to counselling if they really want to work this out. If they feel they are ready for it, then do the ceremony of the renewal of vows.
This reminds me of my Aug. 2016 blog post:
"New checks on 'predatory' payday loans"/ Cottage couple advice column/ Maury's cheating examples
Aug. 29, 2016:
Maury's cheating examples:
Maury example: If you don't like this show, you can skip to the next paragraph. Here is some shades of grey situation. It was back in 2004 when I used to watch this show.
Couple #1: I remember this white couple. A blonde woman with some weight on her suspect her husband who is a skinny guy is cheating on her. They have 2 kids together. He was put in a room with a "sexy decoy" who is a sexy woman. He hits on her and he kisses her. There is a hidden camera filming all this.
Couple #1: I remember this white couple. A blonde woman with some weight on her suspect her husband who is a skinny guy is cheating on her. They have 2 kids together. He was put in a room with a "sexy decoy" who is a sexy woman. He hits on her and he kisses her. There is a hidden camera filming all this.
He failed the lie detector test (I don't remember the questions). When they showed the hidden camera video of him kissing another woman, he laughed it off and was like "whatever." The wife yells at him.
Cut to one year later she says to him: "I cheated on you to get back at you for you cheating on me. And the baby may not be yours." He is upset and crying. Before the results come, she says: "No matter what happens, I hope we can work it out." He is the father. The audience cheers.
My opinion: I see the husband is 55% wrong because he cheated on her first and didn't feel guilty about it. She is 45% wrong because she cheated, but she wouldn't have if he hadn't cheated on her first. Two wrongs don't make a right, but in this case it does. I 100% see this marriage lasting because they're even and all the kids are theirs. If he wasn't the father, I would still say the marriage was going to last.
Do you think this marriage is going to last?
A. It will last.
B. It will not last.
C. Undecided.
Do you think this marriage is going to last?
A. It will last.
B. It will not last.
C. Undecided.
It's totally fine, if you guys disagree with me and say the marriage isn't going to last.
Sept. 1, 2016: One more example is this white married couple.
Couple #2:
Couple #2:
1. Woman cheated on her husband and the baby may not be his. He is the father.
2. They have a second kid and the man thinks he may not be the father due to wife's previous cheating. The woman's mom also thinks the same thing. He is the father. The woman yells at them both.
3. Woman thinks her husband is cheating on her to get back at her for her previous cheating. He does the lie detector and he passes. He hugs her.
My opinion: I see this marriage has a 90% chance of lasting. If he cheats on her, I don't know if it will totally even out. They would need counseling.
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