Aug. 12 Friend advice:
Does anyone remember my blog post “friend advice/ self-esteem study”? It’s about a coffee group, and one person
hogs the conversation:
My friend Sherry emailed
me back and I thought what she wrote was so beautifully written, I asked to put
it up on my blog and she said yes. Here
it is:
Having had periods of low self esteem in my life, and having
had friends that are dealing
with it, I find that often other people seem to be willing to ignore what gets you down, and inform you that you should change it because they say so. They cannot tell you exactly how to do it, so you are expected to just suddenly smile and have your whole world change. Sadly, it is not that easy. I have found that people who are able to look at the world through your eyes, and help you find steps you can understand from where you presently are can help you find for yourself a new 'space'. Yes it takes time, but low self esteem is very often based on long term experiences that have developed an entire way of thinking, reacting, and responding and if you ignore the foundations of what has created it you ignore building foundations that will help that person feel higher self esteem and build on.
I have seen a person expect someone who was abused their entire life and learn an entirely different 'culture' to overnight think positive thoughts and learn an entirely new 'culture' just by saying the world is a great place, even though because of the behavior and response patterns that person has learned people around them will still find it too easy to treat them negatively, because no-one has taught them the nuances they never
learned in the first place. If someone their entire life has been taught to have a certain tone of voice, they don't even know how to have another.
with it, I find that often other people seem to be willing to ignore what gets you down, and inform you that you should change it because they say so. They cannot tell you exactly how to do it, so you are expected to just suddenly smile and have your whole world change. Sadly, it is not that easy. I have found that people who are able to look at the world through your eyes, and help you find steps you can understand from where you presently are can help you find for yourself a new 'space'. Yes it takes time, but low self esteem is very often based on long term experiences that have developed an entire way of thinking, reacting, and responding and if you ignore the foundations of what has created it you ignore building foundations that will help that person feel higher self esteem and build on.
I have seen a person expect someone who was abused their entire life and learn an entirely different 'culture' to overnight think positive thoughts and learn an entirely new 'culture' just by saying the world is a great place, even though because of the behavior and response patterns that person has learned people around them will still find it too easy to treat them negatively, because no-one has taught them the nuances they never
learned in the first place. If someone their entire life has been taught to have a certain tone of voice, they don't even know how to have another.
If
someone subconsciously learns to always walk without making noise, they can't just wake up one morning
and understand how to be reasonably noisy. It's like they learned a different
language, and without being able to observe objectively, from a distance, with
input on exactly what it is they are observing they may never learn to see the
world a different way because they have no comprehension of that 'way'.
If I seemed to be talking in circles it is because this can be hard to describe. An example that comes to my mind might help, though. We are taught from primary school on that when someone is giving you orders you re supposed to look at them, and if you look away you are being disrespectful. We were also taught that we have our own voices, and we are expected to ask for something if we want it or we are not communicating properly.
If I seemed to be talking in circles it is because this can be hard to describe. An example that comes to my mind might help, though. We are taught from primary school on that when someone is giving you orders you re supposed to look at them, and if you look away you are being disrespectful. We were also taught that we have our own voices, and we are expected to ask for something if we want it or we are not communicating properly.
When I was working on the
reservation of a specific native group, I noticed the children would never look at me. They would also constantly be coming up to me
and saying their friend wanted something, but would never speak up for themselves.
At first I thought they were sullen and smartass, but I asked a co-worker who had
been there for a few years. With this specific group, if you respect someone
you avert your eyes to show you are not defying them when they speak to you.
If *you* ask for things you are being selfish, but if you
let your friends know your needs and they ask for you, they and you both are
being unselfish and looking after each other. Until I asked about it, my
students and I had troubles communicating, but once I knew it made all the difference
in the world, and I was even able to talk to them about how white men communicate
in other ways, and make lessons out of it. If I had not asked, i would have
assumed they were sullen and trying to make trouble by purposely not listening.
Learning to understand where someone is coming from is always the first step in
teaching them how to see the world a different way, because you can learn how
to communicate with them in ways they understand.
Aug. 17 Post Secret: I found this on Post Secret
today:
This is my true secret.
Ever since my Step-Mother lost her job, financially my family has been rocky which is what I expected. What I didn’t expect was the screaming matches between my Father and my Step-Mother. All day and all night, it never stopped, my only sanctuary was school. But then my Father said the only words that I will remember him for
“I wish you were never born!”
These words were a definite blow to my psyche and just a couple months earlier my Step-Mother had said to me “The only reason your here is because no one else in your family wanted you.” But the worst part is I’ve tried to stay optimistic through it all and now the house is getting foreclosed upon and there’s nothing I can do about it. Now that you’ve heard part of the story, here’s the actual secret:
I’m planning on killing myself on my 16th birthday in a place where no one can find the body.
P.S. Thank you so much for creating PostSecret
-X
Dear X-
Give your independent 21 year-old self a chance to change your mind.
At 25 you may have found the nurturing friendships that become the family you make for yourself.
At 30 you might be doing important work saving others who will feel the pain you feel right now.
At 40 you might meet and marry the person who would be destroyed if you took your life at 16.
Someday you may have a teenage daughter or son who will be so lucky to have a mother who earned a loving family.
Please don’t try to solve a temporary problem with a permanent solution.
Be well,
-Frank
PS If you give me a mailing address, I’d like to send you a book.
Dear Frank,
I can’t trust a stranger who’s email address I found on the internet. Can you prove to me publicly who you are, I don’t care what you do. I want to accept your kindness, so please prove to me who you are.
Dear X-
I just edited our emails and posted them on the PostSecret facebook page. Over 1,500 have sent hopeful messages your way! I’m glad you’ll have a chance to see you are not alone.
PS I’m still happy to send you a book. I just need a mailing address.
Dear Frank,
Thank you to the marvelous, people of the PostSecret community who have given me hope for the future that I WILL live! Even if I am to have these thoughts ever again at some point when life is going terribly once more, I will read not only your emails but the comments of so many that want me to live and overcome.
With love and a firmly planted reason to live.
-X
No comments:
Post a Comment