"Spouse is ensnared in alarming marriage"/ "Gift horse"

Jan. 10, 2020: "Spouse is ensnared in alarming marriage": Today I found this advice column by Amy Davidson in the Edmonton Examiner:

Dear Amy: I met my husband at my workplace.

After three years of dating, we recently got married. Now, our workplace has become really stressful.

I have wanted to quit my job and change jobs for the past year, but when I brought this up, my husband (who was still my boyfriend at the time) was against it. I thought he was probably just being possessive.

After we got married, he still went deathly cold on me if I so much as mentioned quitting. The situation has become so bizarre that he won't even go to the office without me.

What is the psychology behind this behavior?

Newlywed

Newlywed: When it comes to relationships, I seldom react with total certitude, because I acknowledge that most relationships are complex, layered and — with effort — are often reparable.

However, I am alarmed by your situation. I believe that you should not only leave your job, but you should also leave this relationship — and take extreme care when you do so, because — based only on what you report — this is a risky and potentially dangerous situation for you.

The psychology behind your husband’s behavior is fairly transparent. Yes, he is being possessive. Now that you are married, he feels entitled to clamp down on his possessiveness, which has morphed into extreme control.

Given the dynamic in your marriage, you should take steps to avoid getting pregnant. Pregnancy and a child would likely delay or prevent your exit.

I hope you will take your situation extremely seriously and develop a safety plan for when you are ready to leave. Victims of intimate partner violence (IPV) are at an extremely heightened risk when leaving, and it is important to have a plan in place.

You could take the first steps by contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org or call 800-799-7233). It is important to make sure you contact the Hotline safely — if you and your husband share a computer at home and if he can check your phone or computer searches at work, you could be at risk. 

Do your research and make the Hotline call from a friend’s computer or phone.

I genuinely hope I am overreacting to your situation. I also hope you will take this very seriously.

Perspective | Ask Amy: Spouse is ensnared in alarming marriage

Mar. 5, 2020 "Gift horse": Today I found this advice column by Amy Dickinson in the Edmonton Examiner: 

Dear Amy: My boyfriend has made a habit out of using birthdays and holidays as an opportunity to upgrade his own lifestyle — under the guise of generous gift giving.

After buying himself the latest upgraded laptop, he gave me his used laptop for Christmas. (He did spend money getting it cleaned up.)

For my last birthday he took that opportunity to upgrade his own set of scuba gear and gave me his used gear.

The thing is, I’m not a diver, and my current laptop is perfectly adequate for my needs (the one he gave me is much less portable).

He gets upset if I politely decline these gifts, so these items are really just taking up valuable closet space at this point.

Am I ungrateful or am I justified in feeling a bit stuck in an ungrateful recipient position?

I’m also not able to figure out why exactly this irks me, and it seems ingenious to fake enthusiasm as I’m walking gifts over to the closet.

Your reaction?

— Gift Horse

Dear Gift Horse: This irks you because it is irksome.

There is nothing at all wrong with giving a loved one a reconditioned, used, vintage, second-hand gift (in my opinion), as long as the item is personal in nature, wished for or asked for — and not the direct descendant of the giver’s own upgrade!

(I’m talking about you — unwanted, unloved, and unused scuba gear!)

You should convey to your guy, “Honey, if you want to give yourself new stuff, then good for you! But I don’t want your castoffs. In the future, you should sell the stuff you don’t want and use the proceeds however you wish.”

You might be able to drive this point home the next time you upgrade your phone. Wrap up the old one and present it to your guy.

He might say, “Thanks, babe — but I don’t need this. I don’t want it. I already have one!

And you can say, “Exactly.”

https://torontosun.com/life/relationships/ask-amy-wonderful-grandson-is-terrible-at-the-table

My opinion: This reminds me of when I was a teen and I gave my magazine clippings of favorite celebrities to my friends.  The pictures and articles are from old magazines, but my friends really loved them.

These were not castoffs.  

Or that time back in 2007, I offered to give my friend Sherry an extra discman (it was my sister's and she gave it to me.  I already had one.)  Sherry got the discman.   

Tracy's blog: Quickbooks/ How to make decisions/ Tracy giving away her magazine clippings (Work from Home Part 1) (badcb.blogspot.com)

My sister giving me her old stuff: magazines, books, clothes, CDs.  The magazines were old, and I cut them out to give to my friends.  I read the magazines and books, and wore some of the clothes.