Nov. 21, 2019 "Spouse strays from empty marriage": Today I found this advice column by Amy Dickinson in the Edmonton Examiner:
Dear Amy: I’ve been married for over 20 years. Early on in the marriage, the intimacy died. I have tried everything I can think of — talking to my spouse, lingerie, seducing him, making the first move, and therapy. Nothing has worked.
He is a hardworking man and has taken excellent care of me and our three kids. We had our kids through artificial insemination because we didn’t have sex often enough for me to get pregnant.
I am positive he is not now, nor has he ever, cheated. He does have thyroid issues, chronic fatigue, and is an over-worker.
I have been committed and faithful throughout, and have tried repeatedly to make things work.
I have come to the realization that I’ve waited for 20 years for my husband to touch me. (In the last 15 years, we’ve maybe touched about 10 times, if that.)
He claims it’s “my fault” and that I don’t try enough, or when I do it’s the wrong time, etc. He even once claimed I was unattractive because I had put on some weight.
I have recently decided that enough is enough, and I’m planning to divorce him. I’ve gotten a job and am saving up to rent an apartment on my own. I’m a couple months away from moving out of the house.
I’ve recently met a guy. We have a deep connection. I want to move on, because in my mind and heart this marriage is dead. This other man is very interested in me, but doesn’t want to be “the other man.”
I completely respect his opinion, and am not pushing him.
Do you think I’m justified in moving on, even though I’m still living (temporarily) in the house with my (future) ex?
— I Need Affection
Dear Need: Your situation is very challenging and depleting.
You seem to be asking for (my) permission to leave your marriage, and to become sexually involved with this other man before you do. I can’t supply you with a justification to leave; it’s your life and you alone are responsible for your choices.
You seem to believe in the institution of marriage enough to have children with and stay faithful to someone who wants no physical contact with you.
This new romantic interest of yours has catapulted you into a sexually exciting phase, but — you are married, and you are a parent. It’s not just about you right now. You should see a lawyer. Discuss your responsibilities and options, as well as the real-life impact of your choice.
The other man in your story does not want to become involved with you while you are married. Follow his lead.
My opinion: I will give points that the woman tried everything to save the marriage. However, she should have left the marriage sooner like 5 years in.
Dear Amy: Wow, your so-called “advice” to “Upset” was terrible.
Upset is an 88-year-old woman who wondered if her family members had the right to tell her not to drink, even though her doctor said it might cause liver problems one day.
For Lord’s sake, Amy, let the woman have her wine!
— Frustrated with You
Dear Frustrated: My response was universally reviled by readers. And here is the first line of my answer: “You have the legal right to harm yourself with alcohol use, although dying of liver disease is exceptionally painful.”
I then went on to outline reasons her family members might be worried about her consumption. But yes, I agree that she has the right to do — and drink — as she wishes.
Feb. 24, 2020 "Celibacy causes partner's esteem to plummet": Today I found this advice column by Amy Dickinson in the Edmonton Sun:
Dear Amy: I am a woman in my mid-50s. I had a brief, miserable marriage in my 30s (no children), and have been happily single ever since.
“Jack” is 60, was married for his entire adult life, and has two grown kids. He thought his marriage was happy, but his wife just left one day, moving halfway across the country. (I knew them both before this happened.) After their divorce, Jack and I started dating.
Jack is loving and considerate. We have a wonderful life with fulfilling jobs, a great circle of friends, and shared hobbies. His children and their spouses have welcomed me with open arms. We talk through differences like rational people. We’ve purchased a house together. I could not imagine a better relationship!
Still, my self-esteem has taken some hits. Jack did not choose to end his marriage, and being aware that he would prefer to be with his ex makes me feel like I’m the consolation prize. Jack has never said anything about it, but it’s something I’m aware of.
Also, for some reason that he is unwilling to discuss, Jack does not want to be intimate. We had a few encounters early in our relationship solely because he wanted to please me. Whenever I bring up the subject, he just says he’s more interested in companionship (yet he loves movies or TV shows that show a little skin).
Is a lack of sexual intimacy common in relationships between older people?
Or is it because he wants to be with his ex-wife?
I’m OK with never having sex, as long as it’s not a sign that there is something bigger missing in our relationship.
— Confusedly Celibate
Dear Celibate: You say that you and “Jack” talk through your differences like rational human beings.
I don’t relish poking holes in your happiness, but … Jack lets you assume that he would prefer his ex. He frames his marriage as having ended out of the blue. He won’t have sex with you, and won’t discuss it with you.
Has it occurred to you that this behaviour might have contributed to his wife’s choice to leave?
Libido does drop for some people as they age, but it hasn’t dropped for you and no — I do not think it is the norm for people in this age group to be celibate. There is nothing wrong with choosing celibacy or living a celibate life. But you didn’t choose it. He did.
True intimacy entails being courageous enough to let yourself be loved through your weakest, weirdest, or more challenging moments. Intimacy starts with talking, disclosing, listening and responding honestly.
If your relationship was in the right place, your self-esteem would not take such hits.
You have the right to ask questions and engage in honest conversations.
If your guy can’t (or won’t) engage with you in this way, then you’ll have a tough choice to make.
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