Oct. 24, 2019 "Wonderful guy mismanages his anger": Today I found this advice column by Amy Dickinson in the Edmonton Examiner:
Dear Amy: I have been dating a wonderful man for nine months. He is smart, funny and deeply charming, as well as being ridiculously attractive. On a normal day, I see a great future for the two of us.
However, every once in a while he will do something that I just can't get past. We'll be having a normal conversation, when suddenly, he'll pretend to be mad at me (or invent that I am mad at him), and literally pick a fight, even though he knows that neither of us is actually angry to start with.
It comes out of nowhere. Growing up, my father was prone to out-of-the-blue rages, so my first reaction is terror, followed quickly by intense anger, once I realize what he's doing.
I've explained that I find this behavior confusing and very upsetting, and he apologizes at the time, but it keeps happening.
I'm starting to feel that he actually is mad at me but doesn't know how to express it properly and that maybe he enjoys upsetting me in this way.
He's not a great communicator, and I tend to avoid conflict, so I'm not sure how to address this, other than the way I already have.
I don't want to leave him, but this quasi-gaslighting might be too much for me. What should I do?
I Wasn't Mad, but Now I Am
I Wasn’t Mad, but Now I Am: I agree with your take on this, that your guy chooses this extremely passive but very manipulative path as a way of expressing his genuine anger over something unrelated.
I wonder if his parents taught him to suppress his honest reactions to things that upset him, and so he learned to gin up trouble at other times, when it was “safer” for him to do so. However, the reasons behind this don’t matter as much as the behavior, itself.
You should communicate your concerns very clearly, during a time when things are calm. It might help you to write down your thoughts.
Give examples of times when this has happened.
You should explain the effect this baffling behavior has on you, and urge him to try harder to express himself honestly in the moment, versus blindsiding you with an invented problem.
It takes work, but it is possible to change the way you each handle conflict.
If he is unable or unwilling to work on this, I agree with you that this is a deal breaker. In addition to the effect this has on you, imagine the challenge of raising children with someone who behaves this way?
Nov. 7, 2019 "Mom wants 'frumpy' daughter to snag a man": Today I found this advice column by Amy Dickinson in the Edmonton Examiner:
Dear Amy: My 24-year-old gorgeous, loving, and generous daughter dresses (quite honestly) like a messy frump!
This wouldn’t be that big of an issue, but she does not have a boyfriend and is extremely lonely.
So far, she has had nothing beyond first or second dates.
Fortunately, we run a trade school and have about 50 eligible men coming through our school each year, but she refuses to keep her hair brushed or wear stylish clothes (even though I’ve taken her shopping for numerous professional outfits).
It’s not that she’s depressed or doesn’t know any better. Amy, she thinks she looks “just fine” and I’m a “very judgmental mom.”
Her dad and I want someone to love her just the way she is, but first impressions matter — and she makes a poor one.
I have tried to be tactful, matter-of-fact, and even rude.
I have given her clothes, brushes, and hair straighteners. We are almost positive that the reason she has not met the potential “one” yet is because she comes across as a frump.
I assume that you will tell me to stay out of it, but it’s hard to do that when I know that if she just tried to jazz up her initial impression a wee bit it would make all the difference in the world.
— Mom of fantastic frump
Dear Mom: Wow, mom. Your question reads like something pulled from the way back machine — when mothers encouraged, coached, or bullied their daughters on how to catch a man. (In the movie version of this, Joan Crawford might play you.)
Your daughter might be lonely, but maybe she doesn’t want to date men. Or she might want to date men but perhaps NOT the ones who pass through your trade school.
At 24, with full access to options and information, she should be free to make her own choices about how she wants to look and dress.
You’ve already deployed the nuclear option by being flat-out rude about her looks. I wish you would imagine the impact of this on her.
Of course, the pressure you are exerting is not helping her. In fact, it is hurting her. Your description of her comportment and dress is of someone who is trying to be invisible.
If you can’t love your own daughter as she is, then how will she gain the confidence to find someone else who loves her as she is?
Ideally, home and family should be a safe harbor from the slings and arrows of the rest of the world. Or, as my mother used to say, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” (Yes, her silence sometimes spoke volumes.)
Your daughter should seek gainful and fulfilling employment, concentrate on her professional and personal development, work on her peer-friendships, and move away from your orbit.
These are the only life-skills you should be passing along.
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