Sept. 30, 2016 "Once, twice. Three times married": I found this article by Zosia Bielski in the Globe and Mail:
A staggering percentage of third marriages end in separation. So what drives people to tie the knot again and again?
If, as Oscar Wilde said, a first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence and a second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience, then – as we sift through the ashes of Brangelina – what’s going on with the third?
We still know precious little about what led Angelina Jolie to detonate her third marriage to Brad Pitt and seek sole physical custody of their six children, this amid reports of an incident on a private plane and Minnesota airport tarmac allegedly involving Pitt, booze and a rogue fuel truck.
What we do know is that a remarkable 74 per cent of third marriages end in divorce. That’s up from a 67 per cent divorce rate for second marriages, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. And according to the most recent data from Statistics Canada data, 41 per cent of first marriages end in divorce before the 30th anniversary.
In the face of such statistically diminishing returns – and societal derision – what drives some people to do it again and again?
We are well out of the era of Elizabeth Taylor, who married a total of eight times (twice vowing lifelong love to Richard Burton). No longer is serial marriage a marker of the heady and indulgent A-list celebrity, the way it was when Mickey Rooney, Rita Hayworth and Frank Sinatra married eight, five and four times each, respectively. Nor does the Hollywood studio machinery force its actors to marry or risk facing audience censure for having extramarital sex.
So what is the personality trait shared by regular folk playing Liz and Dick today? Are they idealists, romantics, or actually traditionalists keen on enshrining their commitments on paper, however many times it takes?
“People are optimistic. They love to be in love,” says Marni Sky, a co-founder of Divorce Angels, a Toronto-based service that connects those divorcing or contemplating separation with therapists, coaches and mediation lawyers.
“Today, a lot of people say divorce doesn’t mean their life is over,” said Sky. “They’re going to get back up on that horse again.”
While she believes that three marriages is “kind of where the buck stops” in 2016, Sky said that those embarking on their third have often already undertaken the introspection and therapy that multiple divorces entail. They tend to be looking for someone who motivates them to have a better life, for what’s left of it.
Clarice Schoen, a Fort McMurray equipment maintenance planner, is on marriage No. 3, which surprises even her. “I said I wasn’t going to get married again – No. 2 and No. 3 – but they asked so I said ‘yes,’ ” said Schoen, 52. “I’ve been called relentlessly positive, as if it were a bad thing.”
Schoen sums up her first marriage in 1989 as “young and dumb.” She says the second, a decade later, was marred by substance abuse. She wed her third husband in 2008, with a total of nine guests in attendance (third weddings are often drastically pared down). “Your third marriage, you get smarter. Hopefully,” said Schoen.
While we celebrate first marriages and treat second marriages like a sober second thought, third nuptials often bring judgment. For traditionalists who stick it out for life, collecting husbands like shoes feels like hubris.
For others, it just feels outdated: In 2011, married couples accounted for 67 per cent of all families, down from 92 per cent four decades earlier, according to the most recent data from Statistics Canada, which also notes that common-law couples have quadrupled since 1981. Why do it once, let alone thrice?
For others, it just feels outdated: In 2011, married couples accounted for 67 per cent of all families, down from 92 per cent four decades earlier, according to the most recent data from Statistics Canada, which also notes that common-law couples have quadrupled since 1981. Why do it once, let alone thrice?
Schoen, who has no children, believes spouses often evolve at different rates, sometimes in opposite directions. Despite the vows, she hazards that “confident humans aren’t meant to be tied down to one person forever.”
Schoen circumvents judgment with humour: “I say my first husband and my ex-husband aren’t the same person. I own it.”
Fiona is a 24-year-old recent child development studies graduate in Ottawa whose mother, father and stepfather have all been married three times. She said they’ve routinely felt the sting of ridicule. “I don’t see why we choose to stigmatize those who choose to remarry,” said Fiona, who is withholding her last name to protect her family’s privacy.
“The choice to continue searching for love, for commitment and companionship after failing is one that requires great strength of character,” she says. “Optimism in the face of loss or failure is something that I think should be celebrated, not laughed at.”
Though the divorces and subsequent marriages of parents are hard on children, for Fiona the experience also offered a bright spot: extended family. “My family is a large web of incredible people, including four siblings who I love more than anything, none of which are my full siblings by blood,” she said.
Despite the unexpected perks, three marriages is enough for some. Robert Billard, an architect in New Westminster, B.C., is on his third divorce and said that he’s learning: “I’ve given up [on] impulse.”
Like many others in the trio club, Billard’s first wedding came too early, at 19. The second one fizzled out because of incompatibility; in the third, they simply grew apart. Why did he keep proposing? “I have no idea. I won’t do it ever again,” he replied.
Billard, 46, is currently in a relationship but not looking for the spotlight of a fourth wedding, or possible dissolution. “If you’re in a boyfriend-girlfriend situation for three or four years and you break up, people go, ‘oh well, that happens.’ But if you’re married and break up, suddenly the world is going to end,” he said.
“It took me way too long to realize that the piece of paper and the ceremony are really of little consequence to actually having a good relationship.”
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Jan. 23, 2017 "Want to save your marriage become more flexible": Today I found this article by Linda Blair in the Edmonton Journal:
When couples embark on a new relationship, they hope it will last forever. Sadly, statistics show that for as many as half, this will not be the case. Recent U.K. figures put the divorce rate at 42 per cent, and the average length of a marriage at 11 years. (In Canada, rates have been similarly pegged at 48 per cent and average marriage length at 14.5 years, based on statistics from the past decade.)
This is despite the vast amount of advice out there about how to make a relationship last. Daniel Gottman, a leading psychologist in the field, offers excellent guidelines on how to have a successful partnership. He urges couples to prioritize each other’s needs, to spend time apart as well as together, to listen fully to one another, and to be willing to compromise when solving problems.
Why, then, do so many of us still end up going through the painful process of separating? The most likely explanation is that we’re living longer lives, during which we’re encouraged to assume a wide range of roles. As a result, relationships today need to be more flexible than ever to accommodate these changing circumstances.
Not long ago, for example, most couples started a family soon after they married and retired toward the end of their active lives, so their relationship almost always revolved around work and family.
Today, partners may establish independent careers, interests and friendships long before they have children — if they even choose to have them. They can also expect many years of active life in retirement.
Today, partners may establish independent careers, interests and friendships long before they have children — if they even choose to have them. They can also expect many years of active life in retirement.
Yet, despite this, the deeply entrenched habits established at the outset of a relationship encourage couples to continue behaving toward one another just as they’ve always done.
When one partner reaches out for help and comfort, for example, the other responds just as they did when they were first together — even when those ways may no longer be helpful.
How can you break this pattern? Applying Gottman’s guidelines will help, of course, but the real secret is to set aside some times when you presuppose nothing about your partner.
Take turns asking each other out for a “date,” and pretend while you’re out that you’ve only just met.
Ask each other what you love doing and what’s most important to you, and listen as if for the first time.
Ask how you can help your partner fulfil their dreams.
When one partner reaches out for help and comfort, for example, the other responds just as they did when they were first together — even when those ways may no longer be helpful.
How can you break this pattern? Applying Gottman’s guidelines will help, of course, but the real secret is to set aside some times when you presuppose nothing about your partner.
Take turns asking each other out for a “date,” and pretend while you’re out that you’ve only just met.
Ask each other what you love doing and what’s most important to you, and listen as if for the first time.
Ask how you can help your partner fulfil their dreams.
You can also use what you’ve learned on your “dates” to find new common ground, things you’ve never worked on together but that could become new adventure to share.
Just because you’ve lived with someone for years, doesn’t mean you know them as well as you think you do — in fact, your presuppositions may even get in the way of really knowing them.
Be guided by Charles Dickens’s words in A Tale of Two Cities:
“A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.”
“A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.”
Just because you’ve lived with someone for years, doesn’t mean you know them as well as you think you do.
My week:
Mar. 31, 2019 Work: It was quiet at work.
K: She was a young woman I met who worked here last week. I was looking at the schedule and she's not here. I don't know if she quit or got fired after a week.
Apr. 1, 2019 2nd restaurant job: My on-call job called me last week to work today. I worked 9am-2pm. It was really quiet. I worked there for 2 yrs and was dismissed in Jan. 2017. After that, the boss M called me every few months to work.
K: She was a young woman I met who worked here last week. I was looking at the schedule and she's not here. I don't know if she quit or got fired after a week.
Apr. 1, 2019 2nd restaurant job: My on-call job called me last week to work today. I worked 9am-2pm. It was really quiet. I worked there for 2 yrs and was dismissed in Jan. 2017. After that, the boss M called me every few months to work.
Why wealthy men are better daters!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmoTuhCmMHI&feature=youtu.be
The most common mistakes women make with high-quality men
The highlight of the week:
The Passage: I watched 5 episodes over the weekend. I decided to watch it because it turns out Telus is coming over and they will reset my DVR, which means all my recordings will be deleted. This show is on Fox, and I can't access the show on Telus On Demand where I can watch other shows on CTV and Global (at a later date).
This is a good action drama.
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1074206/?ref_=nv_sr_2?ref_=nv_sr_2
Telus: This company is good. The tech guy came and put everything together. It took 3 hrs.
The Globe and Mail: For the next few months, my family will be getting this Sat. section of this newspaper for a discount.
Diamond company charities: I found this article called "Hidden gems" by Gayle MacDonald in the Globe and Mail. It was about lab created diamonds. These are the companies mentioned:
Miadonna: "The company plants one tree through One Tree Planted for every order to offset the carbon emission generated during shipping."
Diamond Foundry: They use solar power technology to create it's stones. Leonardo DiCaprio supports it.
Spence Diamonds: For every Artisan Created Diamonds sold, Spence donates to Not For Sale, a charity that supports a refugee camp in Ugunda.
VRIA and ORO: Fake diamonds.
Lark and Berry: Fake diamonds.
FBI: Most Wanted: I love the new show FBI. They had created a spinoff already during the 1st season. I saw the backdoor pilot ep in the FBI show called "Most Wanted." It was an average ep.
I see that Canadian actor Nathaniel Arcand is going to be a regular on that show. I wrote about meeting him before when I was working in the Soup place. This was around Jun.-Jul. 2008.
Tracy: Hey aren't you from the TV show Heartland?
Arcand: Yeah.
Tracy: I forgot your name.
Arcand: It's Nathaniel. I play the vet Scott.
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