Aug. 7 Never slack:
I feel like I can't slack off. I always have to do something
productive. The only time I can
relax is after I did my work. I can go to work at my job. I can do my
job search. If I don't feel motivated, I switch and do research about
writing jobs. If I don't feel like it, I go and read job
articles that are sent to me through my blog. If I don't want to do
that, I read the business section of the newspaper.
This happens in the day. Then I can go and watch TV at
night.
Aug. 9 Best self: I was reading Job Interviews for Dummies
by Joyce Lain Kennedy. She did discuss about how when you go into an
interview, you are not being fake. You are showing your best self. I
have to remind myself that.
Aug. 13 Work: Yesterday I
actually took on more hours by working in the afternoon. One busser had
a day off, and the other one had to leave early for a family event. He
asked another person to feel in for him. She said yes, but then she
asked me to take over because she's too tired. She only had 3hrs of
sleep because she was having fun the night before.
I had a good
night's sleep, so I wasn't tired. Also, it's not like I had a
appointment, job interview or TV to watch. So I worked.
Aug. 14: I felt good for helping out my restaurant, and for the two co-workers who couldn't be able to work that day.
Counseling: Today
is my day off and it was busy. I took 1 hr to get to a job interview.
I got there and did some shopping for 30min, and the interview for the
store took 20min. Then I went home and that was another hr on the bus.
I then called up another counseling service. It was through
alphabetical order in the phone book.
I asked to speak with one,
and then I got some info. I thought about it for 5min as I was doing my
job search. I called them back and asked to set up an appointment.
There was one for next week, but then I asked if I can see one sooner.
There was an opening in the next hr. so I took it.
I went to it,
and I felt good to go see one. I needed a 2nd opinion. I saw one last
month and it was okay, it helped with my career
search. This other counselor was okay, because she encouraged me a bit
more.
I feel good because I stopped procrastinating on seeing one.
Aug.
15: Turns out my benefits plan does cover this, but only a set amount.
Counselor #1 was good, and she was cheaper. Counselor #2 was also
good, but I think Counselor #1 helped me more.
Aug. 21 Feelings: I've been procrastinating, but I need to write about my feelings so I can get over it and move on.
Jealousy:
I am not jealous of my brother or sister for working really hard and
getting good grades, while I work hard and barely pass in school.
They're smart people. Good for them.
I am not jealous of my
friends for going to college either it's 1 yr program or 4 yrs, and they
get a career in their field. My college friends from the same program
I'm in has gotten jobs in their field too. Some got them, others
don't. I have a 2yr
college diploma and I don't have a career in my field. Good for them.
Don't focus on other people, focus on
yourself. I'm happy and proud of myself that I graduated out of high school and college.
Lonely:
I'm not lonely, though I spend a lot of time alone. Well I spend time
with my family. I don't really get to see or hear from my friends. I
know what's up with them with Facebook. I tell them what's going on
with my life with my weekly emails that I send to them. They have jobs
and people in their life.
Elementary school: I learn to be
alone from an early age. It's like that time I used to have a friend
who lived next door. Then the friendship went downhill and she was
always ringing my doorbell everyday. We were in elementary school. She
was bored and lonely so that's why she always asked to spend time with
me. I'm used to reading a book to not get
bored.
There was a time I think I taught her a lesson that I and
my brother are not always going to be there for her. We up and left to
go to Calgary for a few days without telling her. She had to spend a
few days alone because she didn't have any other friends. She did
before with a few people, but that friendship went downhill and was
gone.
High school: This brings to a flashback of how I
wanted to go to Victoria Performing Arts school. I was in gr. 9.
Friend #1 said then we wouldn't be going to the same high school and be
reunited with our Friend #2 who had went to a different jr. high
school. What does it matter? I went to the same high school as them,
and they both dropped out.
Friend #2 kind of stopped hanging out
with us because she was with a new crowd, but it was mainly she got a
boyfriend. Then in gr. 11 she dropped out. When I bumped into her on
the bus at the
end of gr. 11, she told me why. It sounds like her single mom got a
boyfriend and after being a single mom for 10 yrs, she decided to put
her boyfriend first and her kid second.
She kicked Friend #2
out because she didn't want to be a mom anymore. I can honestly say
Friend #2 was not an out-of-control teen girl you would see on the Maury
show. She dropped out, got a job and lived with her friends. She went
to college for a year, and has a career.
As for Friend #1, she
even said it in her own words: "I didn't drop out, I just stopped
going." She didn't really get good grades, but it's mainly the
absenteeism. I went into all the low classes in gr. 10 like Applied
Math, English 13 and Social 13, and it was the easiest school year
ever.
I skated through all those classes. I didn't work hard
or study, and I passed. If Friend #1 went into all the low classes and
just showed up,
she would have graduated. I did have some friends, but I wouldn't say
I'm close to them. I'm still with them on Facebook.
I'm still close to my 2 elementary friends and the jr. high friends I made. They get my weekly emails.
Delusional:
I am also not delusional. I was somewhat delusional in high school.
In gr. 10, school was easy. In gr. 11, school was hard. Applied Math
20 was really hard. Subsequently, Applied Math 30 and Pure Math 30 was
hard when I took it. I was stupid and delusional in gr. 11 to think
that I could do the same thing as in gr. 10 to not study or work hard
and still pass.
I got a wake up call from my sister and parents to study and work hard. I had gotten lazy in gr. 10.
In gr. 7, I was reading the Edmonton Journal
and read about Victoria Performing Arts school. I was like: "I have to
go there to pursue my acting career."
In gr. 8 and 9, I want to indulge in my fantasy that I'm going to go to
Vic and get closer to achieving my dream. I knew I wasn't going to go
there.
Whenever someone asked what high school I'm going to, I
always say: "I want go to Vic, but I probably won't." Like seriously, I
knew my parents wouldn't let me. I found school challenging, and they
are not going to let me go to a school that's far away where they can't
keep an eye on me. My sister went to a high school, and if I went there
with her for one yr, she can keep an eye on me.
She can also
keep an eye on me because she knows the teachers, and how the school is
run. If I went to Vic, she wouldn't know how the school is run because
it could be different.
Angry: I am not jealous, lonely, or
delusional. I am angry. I'm angry at my job search. I've been
looking for a office job for so long and don't have one. Or I
do have one, and get dismissed. I did get one last month, but I knew I
wasn't going to be good at it, so I didn't take it. At least I worked there for one day and gave it a really good try.
As usual,
when I'm angry about one thing it leads to other things that I'm angry
about that aren't related to it at all. For example, I'm angry about
the above with my friends dropping out of high school and not being able
to go to the high school I want to go to.
Let's focus on the present.
Aug.
24: I also want to add something that I learned today from one of my
co-workers. This young woman, her dad got a girlfriend and then he put
his girlfriend first and his kid second. So the dad kicked his daughter
out, and she was homeless by living in her car for a couple of weeks.
She stayed with her sister for a few nights before she found a place of
her
own. |
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