Apr. 11, 2019 "Finding balance when a relationship ends": Today I found this article by Judi Light Hopson, Emma H. Hopson, and Ted Hagen in the Star Metro:
Have you been forced to end a friendship, marriage, love relationship, or a work partnership?
Ending a relationship can be worse than a death. It can feel very disturbing, especially if betrayal has taken place.
Few of us end a relationship unless something tragic has happened. Even cutting ties with a dating partner isn’t often that easy. It’s a shock to the system, if you ever cared about the other person at all.
“I found out my business partner had been robbing me blind,” says a friend of ours we’ll call Bart. “We’d been friends since grammar school. This was worse than a divorce I went through. There were more emotions to deal with that involved extreme betrayal.”
Bart goes on to explain that he must legally prosecute his business partner and lifelong friend.
Here are some coping strategies that help in such situations:
— Realize that your emotions will switch directions rapidly. You might still care about your friend one minute and hate him the next. You might cry over your cheating ex-spouse one minute and curse her the next.
— Focus on talking out the pain, so you won’t act it out. For example, you might fantasize about beating up your best friend who stole your husband. But, talking it out with a counselor or friends helps you purge hate-filled emotions.
— Accept the fact that total cutoff from a relationship will create a hurtful void in your life. Even if you turn away from a scoundrel, the good part of your relationship dies as well. Turning away from someone completely will cause you to think about the other person so much, you’ll wonder if separation is worth it.
— Strive to feel neutral vs. angry as time goes on. Try not to hate someone or love someone you need out of your life. Feeling completely neutral, neither good nor bad about this person, is your goal.
It’s important to take good care of your emotional needs. In order to deal with the stress of a recently-ended relationship, try to focus on other things as much as possible.
“I learned that my pain over my failed marriage got worse, if I talked about it too much,” says a woman we’ll call Pam. “I found that talking about it to several people a day was reversing my healing process.”
Pam is right. None of us should bend the ears of others for hours as we wail about our failed relationships.
Instead, write your feelings down on paper and hide your notes in a locked drawer. Later, you can burn your notes, so no one will accidentally discover them.
“Setting new goals helped me a lot,” says a business owner we’ll call Al. “I had to fire two top employees for having an affair. Both were married to other people, and their respective spouses came to confront them during a big sales meeting!
“When I let them go, some of my clients fell away, so I had to build up my business quickly. When I got busy planning new ways to increase profits, it helped me forget the damage the two lovebirds did.”
A psychologist we’ll call Anne says working on your own goals keeps any relationship mess from destroying you.
“I tell my hurting clients to get busy on self-care,” says Anne. “I advise them to start with a good 30-minute walk every day. I tell them to watch their favorite movies, buy some good self-help books, and nurture themselves.”
———
(Judi Light Hopson is the Executive Director of the stress management website USA Wellness Café at www.usawellnesscafe.com. Emma Hopson is an author and a nurse educator. Ted Hagen is a family psychologist.)
Jan. 3, 2018 "Make room for good relationships this year": Today I found this article by Joanne Richard in the Edmonton Journal:
Clean your room! Roll up your sleeves and assess the mess. Sort through the clutter, and only keep what you need and want, then close the door quick.
We’re talking about cleaning up your relationship room because whoever’s in it dramatically impacts your well-being – you invited them in, so time to show them the way out.
“While you can’t quite kick anyone to the curb without causing a substantial amount of drama, you can however box them up and put them on a shelf, so to speak,” says Dr. Ivan Misner, author of the brand new book Who’s in Your Room? The Secret to Creating Your Best Life.
Research shows that friendships that bring us down are actually worse for our well-being than having fewer friends. Actually friends may be more important to well-being than romantic and family relationships, but friends in need are not always friends indeed!
“The best part of a big clean is that it’ll free you up to spend more time with people that add value and joy into your life, thereby making you happier and more fulfilled,” says Misner.
So what you need to do is to put a metaphorical doorman in place, and then curate your room to create your best life, says Misner, of ivanmisner.com and author of 23 books. Be very careful about who you let into your room and learn how to manage the relationships you have with the people who are in your room.
Why not just totally dispose of the toxic human debris? “Let’s say you kick them out of your life. Good riddance, they’re gone. But are they really? Can you think of someone who was in your life that is no longer part of your life? What did they do?” Just remembering their toxicity means they’re still in your head.
Misner adds that you may be able to get people out of your life but you can’t get them out of your head. If they are still in your head, they are still in your room. “You will make decisions for the rest of your life with that memory and that experience – good or bad. Kicking them out of your life doesn’t get them out of your room.”
New year, new room! Misner says to curate your room and well-being:
* First and foremost, be here now. Wherever you are, be present fully and completely.
* Think about the things and people that are truly important in you life and hold on to them with all your might. Let go of the rest.
* Communicate and enforce boundaries clearly and politely. “People may be in your room but their baggage is not allowed in.”
Distance yourself from toxic types without creating drama with tips from Misner:
* Master the art of benign neglect. Start intentionally distancing yourself by increasing the time between your responses.
* Suggest virtual meetings instead of in-person ones. Keep in-person meetings short. Give parametres as to how much time you have. Gradually but consistently reduce contact. “Think about good friends you had that you’ve lost touch with over the years. Now do that but do it with purpose.”
* Whenever possible, speak when he/she calls, but only initiate a call occasionally and make it gradually less over time.
* Take more time between your responses to calls/emails, and increase this time a little bit each month.
* Use homeopathic doses. Structure your interactions with this person. “For example, instead of telling them weeks in advance that you’ll be in town and can meet, tell them shortly before you arrive and keep your available window specific and small.”
* When they do call, say you’re so glad they called but you only have five minutes to talk before you head into an appointment.
* Instead of meeting one-on-one, set group outings to water down your dose of this person.
Types to keep out of your room!
* Gossip addicts: These people cannot keep a secret and they love sharing other people’s secrets. They want to be in the know and they want everyone to know they are in the know.
* Self-destructive individuals: These people continually make bad choices in life and it is everyone’s fault but theirs.
* Slash and burn zealot: They think that almost everything that anyone else does is wrong and they are completely right and they will purposely undermine all efforts by others because they want their agenda to prevail.
* Emotional vampires: They suck the life out of you and people around them. They make people miserable and are consistently negative about almost everything.
New year, new life. Think on this:
“What if you had to live your life in one room? Whoever you want to interact with in life is in that room. There is only one door. It is a one-way door. Whoever is in your room, stays in your room forever.
Whoever comes into your room impacts your life directly in many ways. If you knew that this person would be in your room forever, would you have let that person in your room?
“We design the room we live in, along with the people who are in it. We can do that consciously, or we can do that by happenchance. The choice is ours.
Understanding this idea now, who are we going to let in our room from this point on?”
Jul. 12, 2021 My opinion: This is a good article. I'm sure we all know someone who is toxic to you. I admit I was toxic to this guy. He was my friend M's brother and we exchanged email addresses. I wrote way too many emails like 3 small emails a day. So that's like 21 emails a week.
This was back in 2006, and not a good time in my life. I got laid off from my Call Centre #1 job and developed an anger management problem. I was only working part-time and was bored, so I wrote a lot of emails.
He ended it with me after a few months of emails because he was overwhelmed by them. I posted the apology to him on my blog years later, and he accepted my apology.
This part stood out to me the most:
Research shows that friendships that bring us down are actually worse for our well-being than having fewer friends.
I know because that has happened to me before. I have mentioned her before on this blog. I was friends with Grace in gr. 5 and 6.
1. She was always ringing my door bell to ask me to play with her: That was annoying. I did turn her down and I did say no to her. I make excuses and reasons like because I'm busy watching TV. I did set my boundaries.
In the summer between gr. 5 and 6, she was ringing my doorbell daily.
She was so bored and lonely, that if I turned her down, she asked my little brother to play with her and he's 3 years younger.
I was like her only friend. She was relying on me way too much.
2. My friends then are Leslie, Heather, and Christina. They ended their friendships with Grace. They didn't like each other. This is a mild reason.
3. She didn't like me after awhile because I turned her down a lot. I felt like she didn't respect me because she dissed me for being friends with the above people.
4. The main reason that really ended the friendship was that I lent her $5 and she never paid me back. So she can buy a birthday gift for her teacher. She bought a birthday card so that was a good cause.
Fortunately $5 isn't a lot of money to me as my 10-11 yr old self. I felt disrespected that she wouldn't pay me back.
Tracy is a bad friend to Grace: I retaliated. I didn't want to be friends with her.
1. I went to Calgary without telling her: In the summer time, I and my little brother went to Calgary for a few days without telling her. I did that on purpose to hurt her. It was to get Grace to feel shocked and surprised. She needs to learn that Tracy and her brother are not always going to be around and to appreciate me more.
When I got home, I wanted her to be angry and yelling at me: "Why did you go to Calgary without telling me? Do you know how bored and lonely I was? I watched a bunch of talk shows and game shows while you were gone." She didn't yell at me and was neutral.
2. I wrote this prank letter to get my $5 back: I felt like I was staying in the friendship so she would eventually pay me back. I wrote this like chain letter to get her to do 2 things for 2 friends and one of them was to pay me back.
I was one of the five suspects who would have wrote the letter. She kept asking me and others if I wrote it. I kept saying no. After a week, I admit that I did it so I would get my $5 back.
It's good to have clear communication: We aired it out.
However she didn't pay me back. Also she stopped ringing my doorbell.
Aug. 15, 2021 Expand your social circle: Grace was relying on me way too much because there is a small school. There are like 30 kids in a class/ grade. She could be a so-so friend to other people.
This is the time when I accidentally offended my friend in 2013: In 2010-2012, I became very into jobs, careers, and business. I got laid off from the Soup place and was very productive about getting a job.
I called my friend and talked to to her for like 1 or 2 hrs a month. I send my 3 emails a week to all my friends. However, I guess in a way I was relying on her too much. She didn't like how I was calling her and leaving her messages and saying: "Hi, it's Tracy. I just wanted to talk." I leave that message to all my friends.
At least with this friend, I still liked and respected her.
I lived a busy life of work, looking for a job, and reading the newspaper (like the business section) and entertainment and life section for fun. I watch TV. I don't have to spend time with people to be happy.
However, I know someone else who could expand his social circle. He goes out once a week to dinner with his friend. They spend hours together like 5 hrs every week.
Then in 2015, I really went out and expanded my social circle. I went to speed dating events and Meetups.
This week's theme is about friendships;
"What should I do about my controlling and disrespectful sisters?"/ "What to do about a friend who never picks up the tab?"
"The benefits of girlfriends"/ "Men should make friendships a priority"
My week:
Aug. 9, 2021 "$35,000,000 Lotto Max secret: Toronto man wins massive jackpot, but doesn't tell anyone for over a month": Today I found this article by Elisabetta Bianchini on Yahoo News:
A ToroCBC reached out to the family, who asked not to be identified to maintain their privacy, but they responded with an email.
"We went to the beach this Saturday [July 31] for a family picnic and were enjoying the water when the tides made us lose our balance. I, my sister, my niece and my brother-in-law, all were almost drowned when Bronson saw us and helped us," the email reads.
"I and my sister had surrendered to the waves and had lost hope of coming out alive. I am amazed by his courage, speed and strength with which he pulled both myself and my sister out of water. We cannot thank him enough for what he did."nto Lotto Max winner has been keeping a $35 million secret to himself this summer.
Ginno Torres, a recent college graduate, is now ready to reveal that he is a lottery winner from the June 22 Lotto Max draw, splitting the $70 million top prize with another winner in British Columbia.
"I wanted to make sure it was real before I surprised my family and friends with this incredible news,” the 29-year-old said when he received his cheque at the OLG Prize Centre.
Torres is a regular lottery player and purchased his winning ticket at King Grocery on King Street in Toronto. He checked his ticket at a local store but initially thought he had won $35,000, before checking again at another store.
"My stomach was in knots as I was thinking about what was happening," Torres said. "I was numb!"
"I had to try to continue on with my day as if nothing had happened as a coping mechanism to deal with the shock of this life changing event!"
At this point, Torres is still taking some time to figure out what to do with the money he won.
"I am going to make sure my family is taken care of and I will make some investments to make sure I am well taken care of long into the future," he said.
A portion of his winnings will be shared with charities and Torres also wants to redecorate his home. He plans to commission a piece of art from Canadian Indigenous artists and hopes to travel across Canada, in Europe and Asia, when it is safe to do so.
$35,000,000 Lotto Max secret: Toronto man wins massive jackpot, but doesn't tell anyone for over a month (yahoo.com)
Aug. 6, 2021 "London man saves family of 4 'all drowning simultaneously' at Ontario beach": Today I found this article by Sara Jabkhanji on CBC News:
Bronson Deagle was at a secluded area of Ontario's Grand Bend South Beach last weekend with his wife and two daughters, enjoying their last vacation day, when he noticed a young girl in the water, waving her arms in distress.
After looking around for any lifeguards, Deagle ran over to check on her.
"I saw not one person, but a family of four all drowning simultaneously," he told CBC London.
The family was enjoying the water when a strong current made them lose their balance, and they couldn't get to shore.
Deagle, who is 36 and a London firefighter-in-training, said he was just grateful he was at the right place, at the right time to rescue the family.
London man saves family of 4 'all drowning simultaneously' at Ontario beach | CBC News
Aug. 12, 2021 "UFC's Jordan Williams fights off car thief, proudly shares surveillance video": Today I found this article by Jason Owens on Yahoo News:
You can watch this short video.
Lesson: Do not leave your car unlocked, and running even if you're going to be gone for a short time.
Aug. 15, 2021 Share tables: I found this article when I was clicking to donate at www.thehungersite.com and others. You can click for free every 3 hrs and the website donates. There was an article about this and here is one:
School "Share Tables" Are Taking on Child Hunger and Food Waste: This article is by Caroline Picard in Good Housekeeping:
Update, January 24, 2018: A new law is about to make share tables a reality in one of the biggest states in the country. Texas politicians recently passed a bill that allows school to distribute unused, non-perishable food any way they see fit, and students are already benefiting big time.
After denying children the opportunity to share leftover snacks with their friends, cafeterias are now legally allowed to feed hungry kids unwanted food. One San Antonio principal told KSAT that items placed on the school's new sharing table are taken "almost immediately."
Share Tables at Schools Keep Hungry Kids Fed and Prevent Food Waste - How to Start a Share Table (goodhousekeeping.com)
"Taekwondo Olympian Jack Woolley shares hospital ordeal after brutal attack in Dublin city centre": Today I found this article by Rebecca Speare- Cole on Yahoo News. This article is supposed to be counter to the above of a UFC fighter fighting off car thief. Here's a Taekwondo Olympian, and he got beaten up:
An Irish Olympic taekwondo athlete has revealed how he was brutally attacked in Dublin city centre.
Jack Woolley, who became Ireland's first-ever taekwondo Olympian at Tokyo 2020, was left hospitalised in the early hours of Saturday morning after being attacked on the street by one of a group of people.
He opened up about his ordeal while waiting for surgery.
The 22-year-old shared images on his Instagram account showing himself covered in blood and slumped on the ground.
He was then taken to St James's Hospital, where he said he would require plastic surgery to a lip wound.
Woolley said: "Heading back along the River Liffey a gang of roughly eight to 12 men and women in their 20s began violently attacking people along the broadwalk.
"Unfortunately, I was the victim to these random attacks as I was just walking by before I was punched in the face by one of these group members."
He said he was punched once with his assailant then saying: “my mistake wrong person” before running down the road and attacking more people.
Wooley added: "Thank you all again for the support and kind messages. I hope for a speedy recovery. It's been a tough couple of months."
Taekwondo Olympian Jack Woolley shares hospital ordeal after brutal attack in Dublin city centre (yahoo.com)
No comments:
Post a Comment