Mar. 27, 2017 "What should I do about my controlling and disrespectful sisters?": Today I found this article by David Eddie in the Globe and Mail:
The Question
I know that getting along with family is one of your things, so here goes: Five years ago, my husband and I sold our house in the city and moved to a small town about 50 kilometres away to be near my four sisters.
He died two years later and my two youngest sisters began trying to control me, often with offensive remarks about my behaviour and with unrequested advice.
Now, I decline their invites to visit their homes, but too often they ask me why. I don’t answer truthfully. Should I tell them I dislike the way they treat me?
I’m not unpopular in my new residence and have made a few close friends.
The Answer
I’m not sure that “getting along with family is one of [my] things.”
It is true that I tend to favour keeping relationships alive and well instead of avoiding people and/or turning your back on them.
I probably get more questions than any other kind saying some variation of “so-and-so has done such-and-such a thing to me, should I turn my back on that person indefinitely?”
To which my answer is always: No. I prefer what I call “The Penalty Box” approach, about which I will get into more detail later.
First, though, in every long-term relationship I’ve ever had, the other person has either had to forgive something fairly major of me, or I them – often both.
And I’m glad, because my life would be much worse without those who have forgiven me, and/or I them.
That’s the positive, Pollyanna-ish thing I have to say. On a moodier, more misanthropic note:
I’ve also found, over the years, that almost everyone is, ultimately, kind of annoying.
And nothing’s more annoying than unsolicited advice.
It never ceases to amaze me the mania people have for shoving their opinions down each other’s throats, like an old boot.
Outside of this column, I never give advice in my personal life. People say, “Hey, Dave, what should I do about [this, that, or the other]?” I shrug and mumble something like, “I don’t know, whatever you think is best.”
It does sound like, vis-à-vis your sisters, you should push back. Pardon me, I misspoke earlier: There is one thing more annoying than unsolicited advice and that’s unsolicited advice coupled with unsolicited zingers about your health, comportment, looks, weight, or whatever.
What makes it difficult when it comes to family members is this notion that “Hey, we’re just saying this because we care about you/are concerned about you, worried you’re on the wrong path,” and so forth.
And maybe there’s a grain of truth there. Naturally, your family is allowed to be more blunt with unsolicited advice and observations than the general population. It cares about you.
But it can also be a smokescreen to hide behind so family can lob verbal hand grenades.
"If I want your opinion about something, I’ll ask. Otherwise, I’m good.”
They might squawk. They might bristle. But, as I’ve often said, we teach other people how to treat us.
You’ve obviously given your sisters too much leeway. It’s time to draw a line in the sand.
If they continue to disrespect you – well (and here, perhaps, is the more nurturing guy I claimed to be at the beginning of this article), I still wouldn’t turn my back on them. They are your sisters, after all.
What I’d do: put them in The Penalty Box. In other words, steer clear of them and put the relationship on ice for a period of time, without making any grand or final pronunciamentos.
I’m a fan of The Penalty Box and have used it many times. Let them cool their heels and reflect on the error of their ways.
If you let them out of it and they haven’t changed: rinse and repeat.
Also: where are your close friends and other two sisters in all this? Surely, they can support you and run interference for you while you’re handling this family friction.
My opinion: I don't get how two younger siblings are trying to control you. It's usually the older one who has power and tries to control you.
You have to tell them not to say anything mean or offensive, and annoying to you. If they say or do anything mean or annoying to you, warn them: "If you say or do something like that again, I'm leaving."
This kind of reminds me of my friend who I accidentally offended. I didn't know that I was annoying her by calling her once or twice a month, and leaving a message just to talk.
She was angry at me because I made a light and fun joke about one of her interests. I wished she would have forewarned me about my behavior. You do have to tell people about their behavior because sometimes they don't know how the way their acting is making you feel.
Comments:
Olivia2405
6 days ago
Ah me, I would never, in a million years live less than two hours drive from my parents or siblings. My husband feels the same way about his family (and mine, as I do his:) But that's us. Some people live near family and wouldn't think of any other arrangement. In our case, absence makes the heart grow fonder.
6 Reactions
Ridgeway2
6 days ago
Groucho Marx said*something along the lines that it is great to have a large loving family...that lives in another city.
*Or attributed to him.
1 Reaction
Hide 1 reply
BrieEncore
7 days ago
This time DE nailed it with his response. I did wonder why it's the younger sisters who are giving her grief.
3 Reactions
Ridgeway2
6 days ago
They want an inheritance, or at least POA? Or it might be a reflex. I think my sister no longer realizes she's throwing shade, after nearly fifty years of it. My favorite was when she told me to quit grad school because I was wasting my time. Yeah, getting a degree, a job and tenure was a huge waste.
1 Reaction
CYNIC11
3 days ago
Dave should have called it what it is "Put Downs" They are usually fueled by jealousy of
some sort. Maybe they will diminish over time maybe they won't. I would certainly give them the hint that you don't appreciate them. Then it is up to them.
1 Reaction
Hide 2 replies
atheistpreacher
3 days ago
One of my siblings is incredibly hard on me and has often times harassed me. I am a young man that suffered a brain injury a few years and am no longer capable of doing things I used to. He will often bug me for staying home and resting. He is also incredibly manipulative. The rest of my family just shrugs and says "that's the way [blank] is" and they never stand up for me.
Life is hard...
Ridgeway2
1 day ago
You might enjoy the online advice column, Captain Awkward, which is very good on parents who stand by and let one sibling mistreat the other. (They dont want the happy family illusion disturbed).
Hide 1 reply
East of Eden
3 days ago
If your sisters are controlling you it's because you are allowing them to control you.
When you decline their invitations, tell them the truth.
When they make rude remarks, shoot them down.
When they become annoying, tell them.
Now, is there any way you can move back to where you were before you made the boneheaded decision to live near them?
1 Reaction
My opinion: I totally agree with that. If they say or do anything mean or annoying, tell them to stop.
duali
3 days ago
I believe you are the one who is now "throwing shade", of a kind. "Boneheaded decision"?
PS: When I try to post on the current Picard article re: tuberculosis, the system tells me I have to wait 8 minutes because my account is "restricted". And then, two minutes later, the system then says I have to wait 10 minutes. So, the longer I wait, the more time needs to pass in order to be able to post - at least on that article.
This system has some big flaws. As a paying subscriber in what appears to be a sea of non-paying participants, the flaws look suspiciously like sabotage,....or, a form of "throwing shade".
Hide 1 reply
duali
7 days ago
The Globe and Mail and David Eddie need to understand that this question involves extreme harassment. It's very dangerous to treat people like this and support abuse.
6 Reactions
Ursula Seawitch
2 days ago
My sister is 5 years older. When we were kids she was quite often put in charge of my younger brother and I. She still seems to think she is the boss even though it is 50 years later.
Everything is either her way or no way. She always seemed to disagree about how I raised my children even though she had no children herself.
I live in a different city and have my own family near by. I try not to let her upset me. An argument just makes things worse.
atheistpreacher
2 days ago
I have an older siblings that takes that approach. Also my sibling is allowed to criticize me, mock me and tell me how to live my life., but if you criticize my sibling they lash out or get overly sensitive. Crocodile tears my friends.
1 Reaction
Hide 1 reply
app_65112322
6 days ago
Please, someone, send Eddie a question so he doesn't have to make them up like this.
3 Reactions
wombat12
6 days ago
Sometimes you have to be blunt with those who are not listening. You may just have to tell them to mind their own f.....g business. That will bring them up all standing(That`s a nautical term)
1 Reaction
JPP221
6 days ago
So circuitous. How about, "Betty, don't be such a b!tch. Mind your own business." To the follow up retorts ("why do you say that?", "oh she means well, you're too sensitive"), whatever, just, "really? Come on."
(It makes clear your position without giving them substance with which to continue the conversation--the whole Mark-Twain-debating-with-fools thing.)
Let that rotten egg fester on her lap.
Sept. 11, 2018 "What to do about a friend who never picks up the tab?": Today I found this advice column by David Eddie in the Globe and Mail:
The question
I have a friend I've helped through hard times, including often taking him out to eat. This friend now has a full-time job but still calls and says, “Are you going out tonight?” If I say yes, he rides the bus and comes there. I usually pick up the tab – and, since he has no car, offer a ride home. This is becoming a once or twice a week thing and is getting expensive. Somehow I will have to stop it. I am not supporting a child here. How do I stop this selfish behaviour without ruining a friendship?
“No good deed goes unpunished” is the pithy saying variously attributed to Oscar Wilde, Clare Boothe Luce and others.
I would like to expand on that, shade it in a bit and probably be a tad less pithy by saying:
When you consistently perform a good deed or service for someone else, you may discover, over time, depending on the character of the favouree, that your good deed or service becomes “your thing,” and thus invisible – and the favouree feels zero gratitude for your efforts.
Parents of teenagers will understand what I’m saying.
Let me give two examples from my own life: doing dishes and walking the dog. How many (seeming) eternities have I spent slaving over a sudsy sink, thinking those around me were turning internal cartwheels of appreciation that I was shouldering the burden of this never-ending task?
And how many tens of thousands of times did I walk our family dog (Murphy, now sadly deceased, R.I.P.) through sleet and hail and snow, in rain and horrible muggy weather, thinking my loved ones were sending metaphorical thumbs-ups and fist-pumps of gratitude my way for my stoicism?
Only to discover my efforts in these departments, if anyone ever thought about them at all (i.e., never), came to be viewed as “my thing” – and on the rare occasions I dared suggest anyone pick up the slack in either of these departments, they would squawk and bridle.
In effect: “Dad, why are you suddenly hassling me out of the blue to do the thing that is traditionally your thing?”
Slowly but surely, I realized that in order to have anything I do appreciated, it would be better if I were to force my beloved loved ones to get off their behinds and help out.
And so it has come to pass.
By the same token, it’s clear to me picking up the tab and giving your friend a lift have become “your thing” – i.e., invisible, and no longer met with gratitude on his part.
Your job now is gently to ease him out of this mindset.
Even if it means a bit of tough-love pushback – or pullback, really. You need to pull back from being cast as the character in his life who whips out the plastic when the bill comes, then becomes his personal pro bono Uber and drives him home.
You say he has a full-time job. Next time you go out, say something to the effect of: “Who’s going to pick up the tab?”
Or even (you have my permission): “So: are you going to pay this time?”
If he says: “What? No!” You say: “Why not?”
If, spluttering, he then turns around and responds with (words to the effect of): “Because … well, I don’t know, because … that’s your thing!”
Say again: “Why?”
Or even: “You’re working now. I picked up the tab all those years. Now it’s your turn.”
Same goes for the lift home. You, at end of meal: “So how are you going to get home?” Him: “I assumed you were going to drive me.”
You (with puzzled, blank, almost cherubic face): “Why would you assume that?”
Passive-aggressive, some might say. But better and, I think, more effective over the long run than any kind of one-off confrontation.
Eventually, he’ll get the message. There may be some friction as he navigates the transition period from using you to viewing you as someone no longer useful to him in this vein.
But in the long run it’ll be beneficial for both of you.
You’ll save money – no small consideration. He’ll no longer look upon you as a doormat.
And I’ll wager that eventually he will come to appreciate the services you’ve done for him as, like a newborn faun, he slowly, with knees trembling, learns to stand on his own.
https://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/article-what-to-do-about-a-friend-who-never-picks-up-the-tab/
My opinion: I would split the bill. Also, I have invited friends with not very expensive outings like to attend my Filmmakers Meetups where you can get a coffee. Or you can come to my house and watch a TV show or movie on my DVR.
I don't want to pressure my friends to spend money they don't have or don't want to spend.
Also I am mindful of even meeting up with my friends. They have busy lives and it's hard to meet up or even to talk to them on the phone.
There are 18 comments:
Just say, no. Tell him to come over, pick up a Xtra large pizza and a 12 pack.
Bad enough to have a "friend" who consistently avoids the tab, but he calls you once or twice a week effectively to ask if you will buy him dinner and you are worried about being one to ruin the friendship.
I have go news for you he stopped worrying about the friendship a long time ago. You are nothing more than a meal ticket.
A true friend would call you up and say can I buy you dinner in appreciation for all you have done for me in the past. In appreciation you could then offer a ride home afterwards. That is how real friends would handle the situation.
Offer to drop your friend at the bus stop on the way home.
The old columnist Ann Landers often said no one can take advantage of you without your permission.
The guy is a freeloader and you're worried about "ruining a friendship". It's not a friendship.
If you stop paying for him, you think he will no longer be your friend?
If that's the case, he never was a friend, just someone who takes what he can and gives nothing in return.
I believe it was originally Eleanor Roosevelt who said no one can take advantage of you without your permission.
I like this post. I think we have all had times where we felt taken advantage of. No good deed goes unpunished indeed. I like the idea of asking the waitress for separate bills.
No comments:
Post a Comment