The number of couples in long-distance relationships (LDRs) is on the rise, owing primarily to the decrease in job security that means many couples have to spend time apart if both are to remain employed and/or create stability of location for their family.
The fact that many young adults already in a relationship go to university means rates are particularly high for those in their 20s and 30s.
The factors that matter most to those in a relationship - trust, mutual commitment, good communication, comfortable levels of independence, and mutually satisfying levels of intimacy - are the same whether couples live together, nearby or apart.
There are, however, unique challenges faced by those in LDRs. Brooks Aylor, at La Salle University, found four factors that set LDRs apart from others.
First, there's an increased financial burden to maintain the relationship.
Second is the difficulty defining friendships with others, in particular keeping those friendships within mutually agreed boundaries.
Third are the high expectations that individuals create for their partner while they're apart.
Finally, Aylor feels it's more difficult for couples who communicate from afar to assess the state of the relationship and estimate accurately the strength of emotion each partner is trying to express. How might these issues be addressed?
* Prioritise frequent meetings, even though this may be costly. Aylor, together with colleague Marianne Dainton, found that couples in LDRs who had frequent face-to-face contact experienced less jealousy, were more trusting, and felt more satisfied in their relationship.
Interestingly, Gregory Guldner and Clifford Swensen at Purdue University found no significant difference between levels of relationship satisfaction and overall time couples spend together, so total time isn't as important as frequency of meetings. More frequent encounters also mean there's less time to idealise one another when apart.
With social media it's possible to communicate face to face without being in the same place.
However, the myriad non-verbal cues you pick up (mostly unconsciously) when you're together allow you to feel more confident you're "reading" your partner accurately.
* Establish ground rules before separating, and review them regularly. Rather than trying to please others, create rules that work for the two of you.
* Make plans and share experiences; for example, watch the same films or programmes while apart, then share your reactions.
* Vary the ways that you communicate - sending letters and gifts make interactions feel more personalised.
Finally, if you're struggling in an LDR, take heart: in a survey of 485 individuals, Dainton found those in LDRs felt their relationship met or exceeded their expectations more often than those whose partner was nearby.
Linda Blair is a clinical psychologist. Her book is The Key to Calm (Hodder &Stoughton).
Oct. 27, 2017 "Curate before you date": Today I found this article by Courtney Shea in the Globe and Mail:
Two years ago, Julie Bogdanowicz was in her late 30s, with a rewarding career as an architect, an active social life and a passion for urban cycling. But her love life felt as promising as the first five minutes of an Adam Sandler comedy. She had been on various dating apps, but half-heartedly and without much luck.
Feeling a sense of urgency around her desire to find a partner and start a family,
Bogdanowicz made a decision to prioritize, scaling back on professional responsibility and time with friends to focus on her search for love as it if were a job. She overhauled her generic Tinder profile, fine-tuning it with specific interests and uploading pictures of herself in urban settings, to reflect her passion for buildings and cities.
She even made reference to her perpetual helmet hair in her bio section – shorthand for the role that biking plays in her life.
Bogdanowicz made a decision to prioritize, scaling back on professional responsibility and time with friends to focus on her search for love as it if were a job. She overhauled her generic Tinder profile, fine-tuning it with specific interests and uploading pictures of herself in urban settings, to reflect her passion for buildings and cities.
She even made reference to her perpetual helmet hair in her bio section – shorthand for the role that biking plays in her life.
"I wasn't consciously thinking about it in terms of personal branding," she recalled of her profile revamp, speaking last month at a marketing event in downtown Toronto. But that's what it was.
Based on her targeted and (spoiler alert) successful search for love online, Bogdanowicz was invited to appear as a panelist at the event titled "Kim Kardashian is My Copilot," where the program promised "a deep dive into the inescapable role personal branding plays in both our professional and personal lives."
Based on her targeted and (spoiler alert) successful search for love online, Bogdanowicz was invited to appear as a panelist at the event titled "Kim Kardashian is My Copilot," where the program promised "a deep dive into the inescapable role personal branding plays in both our professional and personal lives."
It's a cold, hard truth around dating in the digital age: Branding is everything. And if that strikes you as a little unromantic, you're not alone. But you're also kind of kidding yourself.
That perfectly worn-in Sonic Youth T-shirt you wore on your first date with your future husband, the one you thought made you look like the quintessential "cool girl"? Personal branding. The way he pronounced the name of the fancy wine he ordered in a flawless French accent? Ditto.
That perfectly worn-in Sonic Youth T-shirt you wore on your first date with your future husband, the one you thought made you look like the quintessential "cool girl"? Personal branding. The way he pronounced the name of the fancy wine he ordered in a flawless French accent? Ditto.
Personal branding – as a concept, if not an annoying buzz term – has been around since Adam met Eve. (What, you think she ate the apple because she was hungry?) What's changed in recent years is the extent to which looking for love has become a digital pursuit.
In many ways, that has made romance easier. From the comfort of pretty much anywhere with WiFi, a person seeking companionship can scroll and click and swipe their way through hundreds, even thousands, of potential partners.
On the flip side, the competition can be fierce, which is why a growing community of consultants, coaches and even ghostwriters are helping would-be daters to hone their personal brands.
On the flip side, the competition can be fierce, which is why a growing community of consultants, coaches and even ghostwriters are helping would-be daters to hone their personal brands.
"When the supply is so huge, it's important to distinguish yourself," says Katryna Klepacki, Toronto spokeswoman for the social and dating app Bumble, who was also on stage at the Pilot panel.
Everyone "loves to travel," she says: To stick out, list some specific places you have recently visited. Rather than saying you're a foodie, mention favourite restaurants.
Don't say you "love music" – share the last concert you went to. The goal isn't necessarily finding someone who shares your taste in travel destinations, food or tunes, but "giving the other person something they can ask you about," Klepacki explains. "And it makes you seem authentic. Authenticity is so important."
Everyone "loves to travel," she says: To stick out, list some specific places you have recently visited. Rather than saying you're a foodie, mention favourite restaurants.
Don't say you "love music" – share the last concert you went to. The goal isn't necessarily finding someone who shares your taste in travel destinations, food or tunes, but "giving the other person something they can ask you about," Klepacki explains. "And it makes you seem authentic. Authenticity is so important."
But is there such a thing as too real? What if your current passions include watching television in your track pants, while eating chips out of the bag? "Authentic doesn't always go hand in hand with the notion of branding, which is essentially applying a gloss," says Anne Marshall, founder of Junia Matchmaking Services in Guelph, Ont.
Creating and updating her clients' dating profiles is a huge part of Marshall's business. "I guess it's trying to make reality sound as palatable as possible," she says of massaging the lifestyle of a chip-loving couch potato, into a "culture vulture" whose favourite show is Sherlock. "One term that I sometimes use is 'great indoorsman,'" Marshall says.
After all, humour is the No. 1 thing that online daters respond to, although that, too, is a matter of brand calibration. Self-deprecating humour, for example, is often a turn off – "unless the person is extremely good looking and successful," says Marshall, in which case a little light self-slander can help them seem more approachable.
Personal-branding strategist Cher Jones mostly works with people looking to leverage their personal brand in a professional context. Lately, though, clients have been asking her about their dating profiles as well.
"We are seeing more and more intersectionality between personal and professional lives," says Jones, noting the recent launch of Bizz, networking mode on Bumble that lets users swipe left or right on potential professional contacts.
"We are seeing more and more intersectionality between personal and professional lives," says Jones, noting the recent launch of Bizz, networking mode on Bumble that lets users swipe left or right on potential professional contacts.
She calls it "a 360 view of our personal brand": when profiles on multiple platforms (Twitter, Tinder, Instagram, LinkedIn, OkCupid, Match.com, etc., etc., etc.) allow users to present viewers with slightly different vantage points. Still, while it's perfectly logical to be more playful on Snapchat than a networking platform, it's important that the overall picture be cohesive.
That means making sure Tinder photos wouldn't be off-putting to a potential client or employer, but also that your LinkedIn page doesn't make you look like a personality-free robot. ("People are so worried about doing something that will 'break' the internet, when really they should be worried about boring it," Jones says.)
Toronto copywriter Kennedy Ryan recently quit Tinder after she got tired of continually getting matched with different versions of the same person, who she calls "the Frank and Oak guy": bearded, modern-metro types who favoured the same hip cocktail bars and distressed denim. She thinks one downside of personal branding is that everything has become "so curated."
Having seen advertising buys move from broad to microtargeted, Ryan says "I guess it makes sense that the same thing is happening with dating." She believes her ability to distill a lot of information into a few concise and catchy phrases gave her an edge in online dating, but she wonders whether this sort of slick, surface communication is conducive to forming a meaningful connection.
"Real people are messy," Ryan says. "You have to wonder if something is being lost."
Critics posit that dating-app culture has turned people into commodities, that true intimacy is dying as our attention spans shorten and that our standards are growing increasingly unrealistic.
Critics posit that dating-app culture has turned people into commodities, that true intimacy is dying as our attention spans shorten and that our standards are growing increasingly unrealistic.
Still, if "What's your brand?" has replaced "What's your sign?" as the world's most nauseating pick-up line, there are times when effective self-marketing works exactly as it's supposed to.
Torontonian Gloria Arsenal found herself frustrated that the guys she attracted on Tinder were missing the importance she placed on social activism. "I guess they weren't reading my profile," she says.
That changed after she switched her lead picture to one of her wearing a pink pussy hat at the Women's March last January. "The quantity of individuals has dropped," she says, "but the quality has improved."
That changed after she switched her lead picture to one of her wearing a pink pussy hat at the Women's March last January. "The quantity of individuals has dropped," she says, "but the quality has improved."
And then there's Julie Bogdanowicz, who recently returned home from her honeymoon – a cycling and architectural exploration of Pittsburgh. Maybe that doesn't meet everyone's definition of the ultimate romantic getaway, but for Bogdanowicz and her urban-cycling husband, it's exactly on brand.
5 comments:
Cuevas
Fails to mention the singular most important aspect of relationships - physical attraction. Everything else is secondary. If I don't find you attractive and vice versa then it won't matter how funny you are or what wine you like. We will never "mate" and that is, after all, the end game for most of us. As the saying goes, "You can't fool Mother Nature" and she is still calling the shots. Your personal branding are the features God gave you. All the snapshots and tag lines are just semantics. I think the phrase today is "epic fail."
2 Reactions
The Anchor
1 day ago
Wow!. What a load of absolute rubbish. The world has been turned upside down by meaningless nonsense like personal branding , authenticity, social media. It is ironic that these things are actually the opposite of what their labels intend. Social media is actually anti-social.
Authenticity is fake, and so personal branding, an attempt at authenticity through social media ends up creating one big narcissistic lie about who a person really is. It is like that oxymoron reality tv. As soon as you turn the camera on, it isn't real anymore. Well with personal branding, as soon a you turn the computer on, you get a caricature of a person, not a person. You want to get to know someone, go to a social gathering in person, walk up to someone and say "hello".
Authenticity is fake, and so personal branding, an attempt at authenticity through social media ends up creating one big narcissistic lie about who a person really is. It is like that oxymoron reality tv. As soon as you turn the camera on, it isn't real anymore. Well with personal branding, as soon a you turn the computer on, you get a caricature of a person, not a person. You want to get to know someone, go to a social gathering in person, walk up to someone and say "hello".
Government Surveillance Acct.
2 days ago
The problem with "personal branding" is it is usually an idealized version of what a person wants to be, or what they think other people are looking for, rather than an accurate representation of who you are. It's horrifically insincere.
Often, people get so caught up in trying to live up to their "brand" that they forget to be interesting or fun.
Often, people get so caught up in trying to live up to their "brand" that they forget to be interesting or fun.
You want click-throughs? Put up a picture of your dog, he will attract far more clickthroughs than your slightly preachy helmet hair pictures.
4 Reactions
evaleen1
2 days ago
Well said. Navigating dating websites start with promise, but sadly the glow of quantity wears off and lack of appropriate suitors frustrating. I've been advised to add a "Boob Shot" to advance my likes, but that isn't me, and refused. Plus, what is with the amount of men taking selfies in their car? Wearing sunglasses? Out of focus??
2 Reactions
Yjain1
1 day ago
Another click bait for women to spend more $$ as winter / hibernation approaches. Literally no one writes about how terrible women can also be in the dating world.
My week:
Dec. 29, 2017 "Student entrepreneurs create website that finds classmates work": Today I found this article by Gordon Kent in the Edmonton Journal:
Clark, 25, had once applied for a position through Kijiji promising to pay $17 to $25 an hour, only to find out that not only was the pay not guaranteed, but he’d have to spend $1,000 buying knives to sell, so he wanted to provide students with trustworthy job leads.
My opinion: Are you talking about Vector Marketing?
Jan. 1, 2017 "After the scam, securities victims find indifference": Today I found this article by Tom Cardoso in the Globe and Mail. It talks about Robin Brown who got scammed by Momentas Corporation. The sales guy on the phone was very "persuasive." He is a VP at a market research company and gave a $10,000 check.
I can't copy and paste the article. All I can say is: "Guard your money. Especially if it's a big amount."
Jan. 3, 2017 Sales phone rep position: I did a job interview here last month and at the interview, I got hired.
The job was 100% commission. However, I did a job interview before at the water systems call centre. At the water place, I got paid $13.60/hr to call and book appointments. The sales people make the sale and I get a bonus. I didn't get hired there.
This sales call centre job was the same duties with call and book appointments for sales people. The salesperson makes the sale and we split it 50/50.
I woke up that day not feeling totally well. I still went there anyway to give it a try. I had told my dad about this job prior to it.
I was with another 20 yr old guy H who is being trained to be a sales person.
It turns out the job is we go on the internet and look up companies we can do business with. We call them. There are some businesses in the database and we can call them back.
After the first day, I quit. The next day I emailed them that I quit.
Law of attraction: It must be the law of attraction, because today I applied to this telemarketer job. It turns out I have to go on the internet and call businesses to sell them ad space.
Telemarketer job interview: I feel like there is a low chance I would get hired there. If I did get hired there, I would work there for a short time.
I have worked at Telemarketer #1 and #2 in 2012 where I sold tickets. The company gave me numbers to call and I don't have to look for people and businesses to call.
Mya: Today I felt like listening to one of my favorite song of hers called "My Love is like Whoa." Here is she performing that song live last year:
Then I watched this 6 min interview with her. The question about "What's the craziest thing a male fan has done?" This is offensive so I forewarn you. This at the 4 min. 55 sec:
She said that she was at a train station and a guy pulled out his private part at her. She told him to save that for someone special and that she will pray for him.
Jan. 4, 2017 Job complaint: I want to write about it so I can get over it and move on. I dislike the Sales phone rep job and the Telemarketer job where I have to look for businesses to do business with.
I have worked at Call Centres #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6, and all the phone numbers I had to call were all generated from the company.
Jan. 5, 2017 Computer: Yesterday I called my dad's friend T and he actually came over with one of his son's to look at the gray 2004 computer. The internet doesn't work on that computer, but it works on the other. They were here for 5 min.
T: Call your internet service provider to fix it.
This was around 4pm on a Thurs.
I called Telus and they can call you back when someone can help you. IT woman Amanda called me back in 30min. On her end, she sees the internet is fine. It is the computer that doesn't work and needs an Ethernet cable to hook up to the modem. It needs a wireless drive installment. I can go to a computer store to get it fixed or send a IT worker and it will cost $100 to put the wireless drive installment. We talked for like 20min.
Later T calls back and says something about a black box wire that needs to connect to it.
I don't know. Yeah, well at least the printer works and that's all I need to get my resumes printed out. I then deleted some documents off my 3.5 floppy disks that has my personal info on it. It seems like my computer is not going to work that well, so I deleted documents off the disks.
I have my The Vertex Fighter scripts saved into my email.
ITunes: I had gotten a old iPod from my mom's work. It was in the lost and found and it is dated 2005. I got this in 2016 and I was listening to the music. I didn't really like it.
I brought it to work and asked to help delete the songs.
C who is in her late 20s said: "This is old. I don't know if I remember how to use it."
Y who is in his late 40s said: "You have to sync up your iPod to your computer and then you can delete the songs. You can't delete the songs off your iPod on your iPod. It is only through the computer."
Today I finally went to the Apple store at 10am on Fri. morning at WEM. There was a wait like 40min to talk to someone. They text you when someone is available so you can go shopping while you wait.
I met a woman with pink hair and tattoos. She told me I had to delete all the songs and I can't keep some. That's fine.
I then went home and asked P for help. I had downloaded ITunes but, it wasn't on the computer.
P: Did you download it or install it?
T: I thought it was the same thing.
He helped install it.
I'm sure some of you guys are saying: "Tracy is so behind on technology."
I sent the below to one of my friends, but I could say that to all of you:
Jan. 6, 2017: It's totally fine if you see that the articles don't interest you, and you skip it altogether.
I didn't put any time or effort in writing it, but reading it.
It's totally fine if you don't read my "my week" part where I put time and effort in it. You can see the subject titles and see if it interests you
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