Sept. 11, 2017 "First comes love- then comes getting them to fly the coop": Today I found this advice column in the Globe and Mail:
The question
My fiancé and I have known each other since 2006 and were engaged in 2012. But after 10 years dating, he is still living with his mother and not willing to move out to live with me. He bought a house in 2010 as I pushed him to find his own house, hoping he would move out of his parents' and start his own independent life, but he didn't.
His mother has an opinion on everything in his life and his house's renovation, painting, landscaping etc. I never got to move in nor even get a key. We are both middle-aged, professional and educated. He is 53 and I am 48. I want to settle down and build a life with him, but he's still dragging his feet and living at home. He asked me to wait until his job was less stressful and until he can find another, better house for us to move in to. He has many excuses. He told me he loved me and would marry me soon. But 10 years passed and nothing's changed: He's still single and irresponsible. Please advise if I am right to break up with him.
His mother has an opinion on everything in his life and his house's renovation, painting, landscaping etc. I never got to move in nor even get a key. We are both middle-aged, professional and educated. He is 53 and I am 48. I want to settle down and build a life with him, but he's still dragging his feet and living at home. He asked me to wait until his job was less stressful and until he can find another, better house for us to move in to. He has many excuses. He told me he loved me and would marry me soon. But 10 years passed and nothing's changed: He's still single and irresponsible. Please advise if I am right to break up with him.
The answer
The word "duh" comes to mind.
Also: "Listen to yourself. Can you – can you just listen to yourself?"
You know, generally speaking, I try to make Damage Control a "safe space" for people to unburden themselves, vent spleen as may be and admit to making mistakes.
Then, I'll say something along the lines of: "Hey, don't worry about it, we all make mistakes, me at least as much as anyone. Here's what you do."
But every once in a while, a question comes across the transom where the person is so egregiously unaware of the elephant-in-the-room obviousness of the problem my pen is obliged to flash from its scabbard and I have to administer some "tough love."
This, madam, I'm afraid, is one of those, so gird yourself.
But first, let's take a look at this so-called man, your so-called fiancé.
Man, I hate time wasters. And this guy is clearly wasting your time.
It is a terrible, grievous sin to waste another person's time. Time is the most precious commodity we have on this planet. But to waste a decade of another person's life? I'm no priest, but I'd say that's a cardinal, a.k.a. "mortal," sin.
The worst, IMHO, is when a man – dithering, heel-dragging, prevaricating, if not downright filling the air with lies – wastes a woman's prime child-bearing years, so she has to give up her cherished dream of being a mother.
Then dumps her. I've seen this happen. There is a special place in hell for such characters, full of demons with pliers, blowtorches, iron maidens and other instruments of torture.
But it must be said it requires some collusion, willful blindness and/or naïveté on the part of the victim (you).
Certainly the case here. This cad/mama's boy hasn't stolen the past decade of your life – you've given it to him! Is he so dazzling, dashing and debonair that he has a Svengali-like hold over you? Is he like some combination of George Clooney and the reincarnation of Cary Grant and Fred Astaire? (Although it's hard to imagine such a being living with his mommy.)
Not sure I fully understand his living arrangements. Does he live in this house or with his mother? It's unclear. Doesn't matter. Bottom line: You need to dump this chump, prontissimo and post-haste, before he wastes another decade of your life.
Life's too short to flick decades out the window like so many spent cigarettes. If it helps, read the book He's Just Not That Into You, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.
Or just read the title: The contents of the book don't elucidate or elaborate much.
(Yes, columnist admits, blushing: I read it.)
A book that electrified a generation of women and freed many of them, it seemed, from the type of wafflers and heel-draggers such as the one currently bleeding you white.
Put this mama's boy in the rear-view, watch him get smaller and smaller. Then, find someone who really is into you. Who appreciates you, who "gets" you, who wants to spend your lives together, so you can have some fun in the time that remains and stop living a life of anxiety and doubt.
There are 17 comments right now:
daysofcoleco
5 days ago
$100 says the guy is from the Mediterranean. Those guys put the mama in mamasboy.
9 Reactions
DeeDun
4 days ago
Could be Chinese or Italian guy?
The guy's mother cooks for him, he lives in the house for free, he doesn't have to pay for wife. The mother controls the son.
4 Reactions
Barbiedoll
2 days ago
In reply to:
$100 says the guy is from the Mediterranean. Those guys put the mama in mamasboy.
— daysofcoleco
As one of them told me, in all seriousness, "A man's wife is only his wife, but his mother is family."
shoshanab
5 days ago
Wow, I am going to be more blunt.
He is either gay and hiding it from his mother with you as his beard, or that is NOT his mother and he already has a wife that he lives with.
She didn't go into details of how often they date, if he sleeps over, if she has met and interacted with the mother, or if he has a close male friend who lives in the house he bought perhaps.
Yep there are women who can delude themselves into a decade long relationship with an unavailable man of all kinds, married, gay, or just plain uninterested. Uninterested is the most benign of those choices which is the one Dave Eddie chose; but it usually something else, why uninterested?
I place bets on his mother is actually his wife; he never sleeps over; she has never met the mother; she can only call him at work, so as not to disturb his mother of course, and the entire engagement is something she just wants to believe. Seen it!
He could be in the closet, but that's a smaller percentage of the population.
9 Reactions
DeeDun
4 days ago
It's true that he could be a repressed homosexual or not interested in sex.
1 Reactions
Donalda Duck
4 days ago
He's already told you in so many words (try years) which woman comes first in his life, so why are you not listening? It's NOT you, and it will NEVER be you. If you need permission to move on - you now have it. Find yourself a partner who is worthy of you.
15 Reactions
Maya87
3 days ago
Either this is a joke, or..........Who would waste years of their life on someone like this guy?? I think the writer should forget about her "fiancé" and start tending to her own issues - he's not the one with the problem, she is.
5 Reactions
MaryJay1
3 days ago
Until you meet some of these "willfully blind" people, you have a hard time believing they exist. Years ago I had a room mate whose boyfriend was such a pig that none of her friends, male or female, could stand to be in the room with him--you see everyone slowly migrate from kitchen to living room.
He had no job and would use her car while she was at work to go have affairs with other willfully blind women. Then he fixated on a friend of one of her friends and started sending her stalker, creepy, explicit e-mails to which she would reply F-off.
She finally printed them out and showed up at the door and tried to hand them to my room mate saying she needed to see what her so-called boyfriend was up to. She just looked at the sheaf of paper and walked away. After he totally spent all her money, he left her for another sucker. I also met a male version of this type who lost everything. Intensive counseling only works when the person admits something is wrong.
He had no job and would use her car while she was at work to go have affairs with other willfully blind women. Then he fixated on a friend of one of her friends and started sending her stalker, creepy, explicit e-mails to which she would reply F-off.
She finally printed them out and showed up at the door and tried to hand them to my room mate saying she needed to see what her so-called boyfriend was up to. She just looked at the sheaf of paper and walked away. After he totally spent all her money, he left her for another sucker. I also met a male version of this type who lost everything. Intensive counseling only works when the person admits something is wrong.
7 Reactions
Lamont Cranston
2 days ago
hmmm.
Don't know about all that....when I was growing up, both my parents had stories of oddballs that dated for 45 years, and both waited for all four parents to die before they wed.
A high-school buddy still lives in the house he was raised in. He and his wife go to sleep every night in the same room he was a 5 year old in...(that would creep me out)
Another friend was raised in a house his mother was born and raised in. When she got married, they moved in "to save up for a house"...three kids, and decades later, they are still there...
The circumstances don't tell you everything, and you DO need a compliant partner, but it can work (I do not recommend, but am just relating situations that have actually worked)
1 Reactions
RubytheRedhead
4 days ago
I think telling LW to just move on is not quite enough. She has spent ten years of her life betting on a three-legged horse and now she needs to find out why. It's true that she needs to get away from Mommy's precious little boy, but she also needs some counselling before she even attempts to find a partner so she doesn't fall into the same or relatively similar situation.
As always, Donalda Duck has summed up the situation perfectly, but I think LW will need some assistance before she begins to look for a partner that is worthy of her.
8 Reactions
Andrew from Toronto
1 day ago
Either leave, or put out a contract on the mother.
1 Reactions
willow_breeze
4 days ago
If you truly believe that it takes all kinds then you have to consider that this man may just be sufficiently spineless or devoted to his mother that he has chosen to not grow up (that is, I don't buy the cheating or gay explanations of another commentator).
Letter writer may believe that she's doing the man some good but she's probably just enabling his behaviour. Dave is certainly right--moving on is the only sane course of action. Dave's bluntness is really kindness. There's no other sane choice.
Letter writer may believe that she's doing the man some good but she's probably just enabling his behaviour. Dave is certainly right--moving on is the only sane course of action. Dave's bluntness is really kindness. There's no other sane choice.
8 Reactions
JPP221
2 days ago
Engaged for FIVE YEARS? Forgetting the rest of the letter (which only piles on further annoyances that make it all even worse), isn’t that reason enough to call it quits? How long can a plane maintain a holding pattern without landing?
7 Reactions
DeeDun
4 days ago
Woman wasted years of her life for ghost fiancé/ ghost boyfriend. She willingly did it. She has no one to blame but herself. Did she want kids? If she didn't want kids, it's okay that she wasted her child bearing years on him.
2 Reactions
LloydJohn
4 days ago
< this comment did not meet civility standards >
Lebail
4 days ago
Oh my, are you OK?
LloydJohn
4 days ago
Lol.
Yes, the problems always must be someone else's huh...
I am great thanks, married 36 years to a great woman from Finland. But I am from a different generation where is was good to be married.
Two adult sons have a different world.
Very soon one will have his phd and the other msc comp sci, and like most men have zero interest in western women today...
A world in which truth about the gender BS and divorce rape is posted, and then responded to by BS like yours.
Watch what happens over the next generation, very few women will get married or have a man, and many will never have kids...
Thanks feminists.
But of course that will be the man's fault and then you can ask all those people what afflicts them too, lol
Yes, the problems always must be someone else's huh...
I am great thanks, married 36 years to a great woman from Finland. But I am from a different generation where is was good to be married.
Two adult sons have a different world.
Very soon one will have his phd and the other msc comp sci, and like most men have zero interest in western women today...
A world in which truth about the gender BS and divorce rape is posted, and then responded to by BS like yours.
Watch what happens over the next generation, very few women will get married or have a man, and many will never have kids...
Thanks feminists.
But of course that will be the man's fault and then you can ask all those people what afflicts them too, lol
13 Reactions
DeeDun
2 days ago
You can see on Facebook, Instagram & reality tv shows that "western" couples, women, men are getting married & having kids.
There have been tv news shows & news articles about North American men who married non-western women (example: Brazilian, Japanese, etc).
The couples divorced. The foreign women didn't like living in North America so they went back to Brazil, Japan. They brought the kids with them to Brazil, Japan.
The North American fathers went to Brazil & Japan to get their kids back. The fathers couldn't speak the foreign language & the authorities in Brazil, Japan didn't care & didn't help the fathers.
There is an American actress who married a French guy. They divorced & the father brought the kids to France. American actress went to court to get her kids back from France but it didn't help. Her kids are still living in France with their father.
North Americans are better off marrying North Americans.
And think about how your kids will look like when choosing a mate.
There have been tv news shows & news articles about North American men who married non-western women (example: Brazilian, Japanese, etc).
The couples divorced. The foreign women didn't like living in North America so they went back to Brazil, Japan. They brought the kids with them to Brazil, Japan.
The North American fathers went to Brazil & Japan to get their kids back. The fathers couldn't speak the foreign language & the authorities in Brazil, Japan didn't care & didn't help the fathers.
There is an American actress who married a French guy. They divorced & the father brought the kids to France. American actress went to court to get her kids back from France but it didn't help. Her kids are still living in France with their father.
North Americans are better off marrying North Americans.
And think about how your kids will look like when choosing a mate.
3 Reactions
https://beta.theglobeandmail.com/life/my-fiance-wont-move-out-of-his-mothers-house-is-it-time-to-break-up/article36199751/?ref=http://www.theglobeandmail.com&
Jan. 22, 2018 "Dating rut? Time to ditch bad habits": I found this article by Amber Madison in the Metro on Jan. 21, 2014:
My opinion: Does he have a job?
This reminds me of 2006 The Year of Anger Management. I was laid off from my Call Centre #1 job and I was angry about it. I spend a lot of time on Television without Pity.com where I read and write comments about TV shows.
Jan. 24, 2018 "Social media content lands CP conductor": Today I found this article in the Edmonton Journal:
My opinion: Where do I start? Let's list the ways of all the bad things that you are not supposed to do:
1. Don't put sexual pictures of yourself on the internet. Or at least make sure your head and face is not in the photo so they can't ID you. I know she's doing this for modeling and it's fun for her, but it does affect your employability. People don't take you seriously.
Call for help: I have to write about it so I can deal with it and move on.
I was working on the weekend morning, and I see this couple arguing and yelling. He grabbed her by the arm. I then got to a phone as soon as I could and called security to report it. I described it as a "domestic disturbance."
The dispatcher asked me to describe the couple. I did my best there. I was more on telling them the exact location.
That's my MO, I never personally intervene, I just call security or 911. I'll add this to the other cases.
1. In 2013, on a afternoon, 2 guys were fighting outside my restaurant. I called for help.
I don't know the couple, but I will get someone else to deal with it.
School cafeteria job interview: Now onto lighter material. I did a job interview here yesterday.
Pros:
1. It was close by, and it was 1 bus.
2. The hours are good and full-time.
3. I can work on the weekends at my 1st restaurant job.
4. The pay is average.
5. I get a free burger if I want to when I work there.
Cons:
1. This a mild con. It's a school so there are winter break and spring break, PD days. The days off I don't work so I don't get paid. I can work at my 1st restaurant job on the winter and spring break.
However, I don't know about PD days.
My opinion: I would work there if I got hired.
True North Aid exists to give hope to people in Northern Canada by providing support and practical humanitarian aid to communities who need it most.True North Aid is supported by a Board of Directors who come from respected charity organizations, public service, industry, as well as partners with over 35 years of experience providing aid to isolated communities.
With your help and support, we are seeing lives changed and our True North once again being made strong and free…
Bentley's at Bonnie Doon is closing down: My mom was there and told me about it.
Jan. 22, 2018 "Dating rut? Time to ditch bad habits": I found this article by Amber Madison in the Metro on Jan. 21, 2014:
Are you taking your relationship for granted?
Old habits die hard. But if your love life isn’t quite what you want it to be, you’ve gotta switch it up. Get out of your dating rut, get a new strategy, and ditch these habits once and for all!
1. Making excuses. Are you always making up reasons to not try your hardest when it comes to dating? Maybe some of these sound familiar: "I’m not going to find someone online, anyway." "I’m not going to date until I lose weight." "I’m doing pretty well on my own right now." Stop talking yourself out of taking the necessary steps to find someone. Admit to yourself you want a relationship if that's what you want, make the commitment to try to find one, and be proactive about meeting people.
2. Being too judgmental. Of course when you’re meeting people you have to be a little picky. But whether you’re deciding who to talk to at a bar or whose messages to respond to online, don’t pick people apart and discount them based on one feature you’re not that into —physical or otherwise. You have to give people a chance to win you over with the full package.
3. Staying in a relationship that’s going nowhere. Break ups are no fun. But you can’t stay in a relationship that isn’t right just because you don’t want to deal with a break up, are scared of being alone, or things feel comfortable. You deserve to be with someone who really makes you happy, and more than that your partner deserves to be with someone who actually adores them. If you haven’t caught the right one, you have to get back out there and try again.
4. Taking your relationship for granted. Relationships have to be nourished and protected no matter how long you’ve been in one. Regularly schedule a date night where you get out of the house and do something different with each other. Even when you’re busy and exhausted, make time to talk to one another about your days, what’s going on in your personal lives, and anything else that’s been on your mind. Yes it’s easier to get home from work and just plop yourself on the couch in front of your favorite TV shows. But just like you have to put effort into working out regularly if you want to stay in shape, you have to put effort into your relationship even when things are going well.
— Amber Madison is a nationally noted relationship expert and practicing therapist who lives in Manhattan. She is also the author of"Are All Guys Assholes?"for which she interviewed over 1,000 guys and found the answer to this question is "no." Follow her on Twitter@ambermadito get her latest advice.
My week:
Jan. 22, 2018 Denik: I was shopping before I had to go to a job interview and I found this journal from this company. A portion of the money goes to the artist or building schools:
Jan. 12, 2018 Joshua Boyle: He spends hours writing for Wikipedia before he went to Afghanistan and was captured.
I'm not going to talk about if he is a terrorist.
I have other things to say.
My opinion: Does he have a job?
Is it part-time?
He needs to get a full-time job and work more.
Or the very least, get his own website and write all and whatever he wants.
This reminds me of 2006 The Year of Anger Management. I was laid off from my Call Centre #1 job and I was angry about it. I spend a lot of time on Television without Pity.com where I read and write comments about TV shows.
I then worked at the Office Supply store for 1 month. Then I quit when I got a job at Call Centre #2 that paid more. However, I was still angry and depressed that I got laid off from Call Centre. #1.
Jan. 23, 2018: Now I will write about if he is a terrorist. When I first read the story that he and his heavily pregnant wife were captured in Afghanistan, I was like: "Why were they there in the first place?"
If you are going to go to a war zone, it would be for your job:
-soldiers
-a charity like Doctors without Borders
-journalists
It's kind of grey if he and his wife really was captured by terrorists.
I only read the National Post in the Edmonton Journal about this case. If you want to tell me more about why they were in war zone, you can email me.
Jan. 24, 2018 "Social media content lands CP conductor": Today I found this article in the Edmonton Journal:
A Canadian Pacific Railway conductor who was fired following a 2014 derailment in Banff and later reinstated has been dismissed again -- this time over social media posts that included several sexy modelling photos.
Stephanie Katelnikoff says she received a letter from her employer last fall attached to a package of screen grabs from her social media accounts and was told to report to the railway's Calgary office for a formal investigation.
"This investigation is in connection with conduct and actions on Instagram and Facebook and other social media accounts, and the content of and compliance of those postings with company policies," read the letter.
Some of the photos in the package, which Katelnikoff provided to The Canadian Press, show her in cutoff jean shorts and a midriff-bearing top posing on railway tracks. Others are nudes of her shot from behind or the side, or of her in lingerie.
The investigation package also had online comments that included a 2016 Facebook post under the name Steph Kat that calls the railway's code of ethics a "short fictional comedy."
Another profile under the name Stevie Rae says: "Resume: Google Banff train crash," followed by a laughing emoji.
"I was shocked at the length they went to in investigating my personal social media accounts and my off-duty activity," Katelnikoff told The Canadian Press.
"I can't imagine how long somebody spent combing through absolutely every little bit and piece of my social media."
Katelnikoff, 28, said most of her Facebook feed actually pertains to her charity work. She said modelling is a fun hobby that has allowed her to channel her creativity and boost her self-esteem.
"I just can't see how that affects my employability," she said.
Katelnikoff said the Teamsters Canada Rail Conference is grieving her most recent dismissal. The union did not immediately respond to a request for comment.
Katelnikoff said her flippant online comments were a healthy way to process what she went through.
"It was a traumatic event and I used humour as a coping mechanism. I don't think you can fault a girl for doing that," she said.
My opinion: Where do I start? Let's list the ways of all the bad things that you are not supposed to do:
1. Don't put sexual pictures of yourself on the internet. Or at least make sure your head and face is not in the photo so they can't ID you. I know she's doing this for modeling and it's fun for her, but it does affect your employability. People don't take you seriously.
2. Don't diss your employer on the internet. Or if you do diss your employer on the internet, you can do it anonymously on other websites.
Though I'm sure some of you guys are probably going to say you shouldn't do that either.
3. You can use humor as a coping mechanism, but if you have PTSD, you should get counseling or start journaling.
Call for help: I have to write about it so I can deal with it and move on.
I was working on the weekend morning, and I see this couple arguing and yelling. He grabbed her by the arm. I then got to a phone as soon as I could and called security to report it. I described it as a "domestic disturbance."
The dispatcher asked me to describe the couple. I did my best there. I was more on telling them the exact location.
That's my MO, I never personally intervene, I just call security or 911. I'll add this to the other cases.
1. In 2013, on a afternoon, 2 guys were fighting outside my restaurant. I called for help.
2. In 2015, a couple were physically fighting outside Stanley A. Milner library in the afternoon. I got a security guard.
3. In 2016, 2 men were fighting on the street in the afternoon, so I called 911. One of them could be pushed in front of a moving car.
I don't know the couple, but I will get someone else to deal with it.
School cafeteria job interview: Now onto lighter material. I did a job interview here yesterday.
Pros:
1. It was close by, and it was 1 bus.
2. The hours are good and full-time.
3. I can work on the weekends at my 1st restaurant job.
4. The pay is average.
5. I get a free burger if I want to when I work there.
Cons:
1. This a mild con. It's a school so there are winter break and spring break, PD days. The days off I don't work so I don't get paid. I can work at my 1st restaurant job on the winter and spring break.
However, I don't know about PD days.
My opinion: I would work there if I got hired.
Jan. 25, 2018 True North Aid: Today I found this article by Gordon Kent in the Edmonton Journal about:
True North Aid exists to give hope to people in Northern Canada by providing support and practical humanitarian aid to communities who need it most.True North Aid is supported by a Board of Directors who come from respected charity organizations, public service, industry, as well as partners with over 35 years of experience providing aid to isolated communities.
With your help and support, we are seeing lives changed and our True North once again being made strong and free…
True North Aid is a registered Canadian charity providing support and humanitarian aid to underprivileged Northern communities.
Bentley's at Bonnie Doon is closing down: My mom was there and told me about it.
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