actual label instructions/ cop article/ writer joke

Mar. 17 Joke: I got this from Daily Silly. Here's some more label instructions.

"Actual label instructions:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Frito's - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special?!?)
12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)"

Mar. 19: Actual label instructions:

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to what?...use in outer space?)
On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)
On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST. ( OK lets eat it frozen!!!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.(Kids no more driving)
On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)

Dog joke: I got this from Daily Silly.

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with
Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop
with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing to the ground 40 floors down. Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."

Me: I'll add this to the "my cat committed suicide" joke.

Cop article: Jay Smith sent this to me through my blog. It's called "9 Surprising Reasons a Police Officer might Pull You Over." It's a quirky article.

"#3 You're singing a rap song with the windows down. In Rockville, Maryland, Section 13-53(a) of their municipal ordinance states that, "[a] person may not profanely curse and swear or use obscene language upon or near any street, sidewalk or highway within the hearing of persons passing by, upon or along such street, sidewalk or highway." Then you click on the highlighted link Michael Bolton. It's a clip of the movie Office Space. A white guy is singing a rap song.

"#6 You’re Doing A Real-Life Oregon Trail in Wisconsin"
According to Section 86.025 of Wisconsin traffic law, it is "unlawful for any person or persons to camp in wagons [. . .] on the public highways." You then click on the "Oregon Trail" and this pic of 2 oxen pulling a wagon pop up. It says "You have died of dysentery."
lol.

I love that computer game in the early 90s when I was in elementary school. My sister bought the cd-rom game for $10. My siblings and I had fun playing it. We still have it, I just need to look for it.

Mar. 20 Writer joke: I was going through my old newspaper clippings and I found this from the National Post. It was published on May 14, 2011. It's called "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions from a Cranky Author." The author Emily St. John Mandel gets these questions at book signings. On the blog Blurb is a Verb (what a quirky title), she writes this:

"So when's your next book coming out?"
I have no idea, but it'll probably be a while. In the meantime, allow me to introduce you to my current book. It came out a week ago. It took me 2 and a half years to write.

"How many books have you sold?"
You know, the last royalty statement was a few months back, so I'm actually not entirely sure. But while we're on the subject of our personal finances, what's your checking account balance?

"Here's my copy of your book. Please sign it and also draw a cartoon."
I'd love to, but I have no idea how to draw cartoons. Would you like a shakily rendered outline of a penguin?

Me: So if you go to a book signing, don't ask those questions. I thought the first question about next book coming out kind of seemed appropriate. Well maybe the author was writing 2 books at the same time and another book is going to be published next year. I don't know.

Asking how many books you've sold, I guess you could look the fact up on the internet. I have met celebrities before like the singer Kyle Riabko and the British boy band Blue, and I have never asked for them to draw a cartoon. I have been to more autograph sessions with music artists, and I never seen or heard anyone ask to draw a cartoon.

Here's some info on Emily St. John Mandel:
http://redroom.com/member/emily-st-john-mandel

Here is the Blurb is a Verb blog:
http://blurbisaverb.blogspot.ca/

Mar. 21 Compliments: I asked earlier: "What do you want to be complimented on? Looks, talent, smarts, or personality?" I was watching that Vampire Diaries season 2 bloopers. The actor Ian Somerhalder is good looking in the handsome and hot way. I would say he's talented because he plays the complicated character Damon very well on the show.

However, I would have to say his personality is the best quality. I like that blooper where Mason and Damon are talking at the end 2:15 secs in.

Mason: Mason Lockwood, I don't believe we've met.
Damon: Oh sure, hey Ian.

IS really shows his true personality here, like when he meets someone new, he smiles and shakes hands. He's friendly. Then when he realizes his mistake, he starts laughing and saying "Oh my God!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAk80_LOSUI