Feb. 10, 2023 "5 steps to stop feuding financially with your partner": Today I found this article by Sandra Fry on the Financial Post:
The statistics aren’t great for couples who argue about money.
Being on the same page and having a way to talk — rather than fight — about money with your partner is crucial for a stable financial future.
Whether you and your partner stay together or go your separate ways, what you do now will impact each of you for years to come.
Talking about money with your partner can seem a bit strange at first, because most of us didn’t grow up doing that. We may have watched the adults in our life manage on a shoestring from one crisis to the next, but they didn’t talk to us about the choices they were having to make.
Alternatively, we may have grown up in a home where money was plentiful without knowing how it’s being managed in the background to afford the lifestyle we were living.
For many of us, our home life fell somewhere in between and we learned how it felt to try to balance priorities.
Even then, nowhere along the way did anyone explain to us the ins and outs of managing money, let alone with a significant other.
We bring all our financial experiences with us when we enter romantic relationships.
The values we developed over our formative years influence our spending choices.
I often see someone trying to save a lot when they’ve grown up in a family that struggled because they saw how hard living paycheque to paycheque was.
That can cause conflict with a partner who spends on “extras” because they value some recognition for their success or status, or don’t feel that debt is a big deal.
It may cause arguments about excessive spending and incurring debt versus saving for emergencies.
This may lead partners to keep secrets from each other or question each other’s choices in a way that starts to break down the relationship.
Even positive secrets about saving can be perceived negatively in such situations.
It can be hard to remember that each person is making choices based on their own values and beliefs around money when we’re in the midst of not agreeing with our partner.
No choice is better or worse than the next, but finding a happy middle ground that works for both people takes compromise and communication.
It takes a two-pronged approach to get onto the same page when arguments about money are based on a communication gap:
develop a way to talk about money without arguing
and implement a financial fix.
We have talked about strategies to manage money as a couple in the past, so let’s tackle some tips on how to talk to your spouse about money.
Set aside time to talk about money
Schedule it in your calendars and ensure you have a predetermined end time for your appointment. By limiting the time and topic, it’s easier to listen and focus on solutions.
Progress, not perfection
Leave your judgment behind and know that you don’t have to agree on everything. Money management isn’t about being perfect;
it’s about working together,
drawing on each other’s strengths
and agreeing to disagree (for now).
Avoid the blame game
The debt is there. The money has been spent. The bills are past due. Now what? Draw a line in the sand and start from there. Decide how best to organize your finances to end the financial feud.
Start by working on what you can agree on
At some point, you’ll need to outline a budget that accounts for all sources of
income,
bills
and debts,
household expenses,
savings
and costs that crop up seasonally
or once a year.
You’ll likely have different ideas about how to balance your budget to ensure you don’t spend more than you bring in.
Rather than argue or come to a frustrating stalemate, leave it for a day or even a week.
Regroup and see if you can try talking about it again later.
In the meantime, work on what you can agree on
so that you’re still moving forward.
Set joint financial goals
Working on something together, even a jigsaw puzzle or paddling a canoe around a lake, can bring you and your partner closer.
Set a goal to save for something you can enjoy together within the next six months.
A special date night,
weekend getaway,
some paint and trim to fix up the spare room
or even bi-weekly payments to completely pay one bill off.
Success with one goal will show you that you really can do it,
so the next ones won’t seem like such a challenge.
If it gets to a point where you and your spouse can’t figure things out, don’t wait too long before asking for professional help.
A non-profit credit counsellor in your area can help you work on your finances.
A clinical counsellor can help with communication strategies.
Your medical doctor can help with mental health and addictions that one or both of you might be facing.
Go easy on yourselves as you work towards your combined financial future.
Sandra Fry is a Winnipeg-based credit counsellor at Credit Counselling Society, a non-profit organization that has helped Canadians manage debt for more than 26 years.
5 steps to stop feuding financially with your partner | Financial Post
Feb. 9, 2024 "As Valentine's Day nears, third of Canadian couples say they fight about spending": Today I found this article by Noella Ovid on the Financial Post:
A third of Canadian couples continue to have disagreements about money, finds a new study by Bank of Montreal, just in time for Valentine’s Day.
The BMO Real Financial Progress report, which interviewed 2,500 adults, found that
spending is a frequent source of conflict for 32 per cent of Canadians who are in romantic relationships.
A big reason for that tension is that 35 per cent of partnered Canadians believe their significant other spends too much money.
It is not surprising, then, that 36 per cent admit to not always being truthful with their partners about their finances.
“Many couples continue to underestimate the emotional implications involved with money,” Gayle Ramsay, the head of everyday banking at the Bank of Montreal, said in a press release.
“This can lead to miscommunication, disappointment and conflict.”
Ramsay added that relationship compatibility should include understanding your
partner’s financial goals,
spending habits,
and financial obligations.
“It is important to communicate your financial expectations early and frequently in order to build a financial future together,” she said.
Half of the surveyed Canadians are in agreement.
Forty-one per cent believe finances should be discussed when the relationship becomes official
and 10 per cent said the conversations should take place after the first few dates.
About a third say it should happen when moving in together
and 12 per cent, when getting engaged and/or married.
Most of the people surveyed,
82 per cent, have already combined and/or integrated their finances with their partner,
but 18 per cent have not.
Over a third believe that the right time to do so is when getting engaged,
22 per cent said it is when the relationship is official
and nine per cent when moving in together.
Most of the couples believe that sharing similar financial goals makes them compatible,
but they do have financial relationship deal-breakers.
Forty-seven per cent said they would be most concerned about their partner’s mortgage,
38 per cent about credit card debt
and 33 per cent about their partner’s credit score.
Differences in income would be a concern for 26 per cent of respondents.
About a quarter of those surveyed admit that differences in income have already created tension in their relationships.
Desjardins financial adviser Angela Iermieri has three tips on how Canadians can talk to their partners about finances:
1. Just dive in: While often a taboo topic, talking about money is simpler when you have a foundation of open communication.
Some topics couples should discuss are things like wills, life and disability insurance and power of attorney.
2. Establish a budget and stick to it: It’s essential to properly distribute
expenses,
savings
and costs equally.
Building a shared financial future requires joint planning to maximize financial security.
3. Honesty is key: Don’t hide your financial situation from your partner. It will eventually become known, so it’s best to be honest from the start.
My wife and I keep it simple. We pool our income together for our budget. Although I make considerably more than her, the money left over after budget expenses is divided equally between us.
Out of that extra money left after the budget, we can choose to spend or save as we wish.
We each have our own credit cards. She doesnt use mine and I dont use hers. I dont worry about what she does with her disposable income and she doesnt worry about mine. It works!
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