This email/ blog post is negative. You may be angry and depressed after reading it. You are allowed to skip to the "my week" part.
Oct. 31, 2016 "Out of the friend zone into the cheat zone": Today I found this article by David Eddie in the Globe and Mail:
The question
My guidelines for a marital partner’s friendship with a member of the opposite sex are simple: the “friendship” must be transparent in every way, and the circle of “friendship” must extend to include (at least occasionally) the individual whose partner is doing the befriending.
Past history indicates that my husband’s rules are very different from mine. A “female friend” is the source of the current problem. He admits that he sees her four times a week for various sporting activities, and frequently exchanges lengthy, philosophical, cozy e-mail messages.
Past history indicates that my husband’s rules are very different from mine. A “female friend” is the source of the current problem. He admits that he sees her four times a week for various sporting activities, and frequently exchanges lengthy, philosophical, cozy e-mail messages.
Our discussions about this have gotten us nowhere; he says that the friendship is platonic and he’s not doing anything wrong. Perhaps technically so, but the frequency of the connection is making me feel truly uncomfortable.
His lies and omissions and forgetfulness when it comes to sharing information about the friendship (as he easily would if this were a male friend) are undermining the stability of our relationship, causing me serious doubt about his proclaimed interest in preserving our marriage, and at this juncture even giving me cause to doubt his sanity.
I seriously doubt that I’ll ever be able to trust him again. Please help.
The answer
On the one hand, I think extramarital, opposite-sex friendships are great, and can be part of a healthy all-around dynamic for all parties.
I have several female friends. My relationships with them bring me great joy, and although we might have long chinwags on the phone and the occasional cozy tête-à-tête, they are in no way a threat to my marriage.
In fact, it’s often been the opposite. My female friends advise me on marital protocols – e.g. what to do when your wife calls and you can’t talk (hint: don’t answer the phone and brusquely tell her it’s not a good time), what to buy her for a birthday or anniversary present (jewellery), and when to wear nice stuff, even if it’s just you two hanging around the house (e.g. nice shirt, not a white undershirt).
Having said that, there are too many red flags in your description of your husband’s activities to ignore: “Lies”? “Omissions”? “Forgetfulness”? These words all jump out at me from your question like frogs on pogo sticks.
And also, odd as it may sound: “philosophical.” That’s a total red flag. In fact, it makes me laugh. Men – pardon the sweeping generalization, obviously I mean “some men” – suddenly turn into poets, troubadours and great thinkers when their intentions are amorous.
(On my first date with the woman who would later become my wife, I was like Socrates, Percy Bysshe Shelley and Jean-Paul Sartre rolled into one.)
They muse, speculate, ask the big questions: Why are we here? What is the purpose of our brief sojourn on this planet? Why must mankind eternally be shackled by conventional notions of so-called “monogamy”?
Basically, you need to put your foot down on your husband’s cozy little arrangement pronto and posthaste.
He may already be having an affair, from the sounds of things, but even if he isn’t, I can certainly see – and hear (choo-choo, he’s going to cheat on you) – that train coming down the track.
Remember, most affairs begin in these “friendships” (your air quotes, not mine).
Of course they do. Of course there’s a period of doubt, testing the waters, both parties wondering if they’re going to take the plunge – if they’re going to get their tickets punched to “the cheating side of town.”
A period invariably characterized by little tete-a-tetes, frequent e-mail/text communication (which is how so many get caught) and cute little gifts. I remember one previous Damage Control – about a guy describing his married friend giving a woman he wanted to sleep with a compass – and I could just see it all so clearly: “So you can always find your way to me in life’s confusion” or some such b.s.
I said then and reiterate now: men in that position are not poets, troubadours or philosophers. They’re schnauzers, great Danes, Rottweilers … dogs, in other words. Your husband’s actions are giving off a distinctly canine aroma – you need to put a leash on that puppy immediately.
Your protocols sound about right to me – in fact, they are the protocols of extramarital opposite-sex friendships: transparency, including the spouses, and so on – and, I might add, observing a decent amount of infrequency in the encounters.
I mean, seriously, four times a week? Maybe it’s not his sanity you should question, but your own credulity.
But I shouldn’t be mean. You know what to do.
You have your rules: just enforce them. He once promised to love, honour and respect you. If he refuses to do those things now, tell him you’ll have to find someone else who will.
You have your rules: just enforce them. He once promised to love, honour and respect you. If he refuses to do those things now, tell him you’ll have to find someone else who will.
Dec. 16, 2016 "One last time": Today I found this article by Dave McGinn in the Globe and Mail. It's about how people have one more holiday together and then get divorced in the new year. I have heard of that before. In fact, one of my friends at the Soup place had that happen to her.
She was a teen and her parents said they were getting divorced on Boxing Day:
She was a teen and her parents said they were getting divorced on Boxing Day:
Unhappy couples often delay their breakups until the new year for the sake of their families. But as Dave McGinn writes, making it through the holidays in an imperfect union can be excruciating
The holidays are supposed to be a special time for family, full of joy and warm pleasures. For people in unhappy marriages, though, there’s no joy in party-hopping, decorating, shopping or visiting in-laws with a partner they no longer love.
But December is a tricky time to end a relationship. Parents are reluctant to spoil the holidays for their children, let alone their siblings, parents and inlaws.
And those who have been unhappy for months (if not years) tell themselves they can ride out a few more weeks, especially when there is already so much to do. While the reasons for delaying a divorce until the new year seem obvious, the experience of making it through the holidays in an imperfect union can be excruciating.
“The reality is, if you have a difficult relationship, holiday times are times when you are spending way too much time together and that becomes very, very stressful,” says Jim Stoffman, a family lawyer in Winnipeg.
Once the new year arrives, it’s peak season for splits. “January really is divorce month,” he says.
This seems to be true in plenty of places: British family lawyers call the first working Monday of the new year “Divorce Day,” when their phones ring off the hook, and a 2012 analysis conducted by the U.S.-based site FindLaw.com found that Internet searches for “divorce” and related terms such as “child custody” jump 50 per cent from December through January.
The trend is backed up by Julie Brines, a sociologist from the University of Washington. She co-authored a study this year that looked at divorce records in Washington State between 2001 and 2015. It found filings rise like a temper from January through to March, with another large peak in September. “We refer to it as ‘the broken-promise hypothesis,’ ” Brines says.
“The promise that’s being broken is the promise of the holiday.”
“The promise that’s being broken is the promise of the holiday.”
That was the experience for Carly L., a stay-at-home mother who lives in Stouffville, north of Toronto, who endured a “sad and miserable Christmas” four years ago. Her marriage of seven years had been souring for at least three, and the final nail came during a visit to her parents’ house at Christmas with her now-ex-husband and then five-year-old daughter.
“He drank so much before dinner he actually fell over in the living room – from standing, to on the floor,” says Carly. “If you’re not happy, people tend to drink more and they don’t want to be around your family.” (Her ex would later accuse her parents of poisoning him.) She announced her desire for a divorce on Dec. 31, hoping to clear the slate for the next morning. “New Year’s Eve just seemed like the most appropriate time to start fresh,” she says.
The end-of-year breakup takes courage, though, especially since making a move to end a marriage during a time of year so focused on family is “such a socially stigmatized thing to do,” Brines says. Many parents hold off, so as not to have their children link the holidays with divorce.
Two decades ago, John Stevens of Kitchener, Ont., held off asking his ex for a divorce until the middle of January. His kids were then just 4 and 1 and he says that “from the very first moment” that he decided to end his marriage, he knew that he also didn’t want family discord to define their future holidays.
“They had a happy Christmas and they still seem to enjoy that time of year,” says Stevens. “For me, it remains one of the most down parts of the year. It’s a time for family, and where there’s none around, it’s tough.”
“They had a happy Christmas and they still seem to enjoy that time of year,” says Stevens. “For me, it remains one of the most down parts of the year. It’s a time for family, and where there’s none around, it’s tough.”
On the cold, calculated, legal side of things, some law firms actually recommend getting divorced before the ball drops on New Year’s Eve.
Ashby Law, a U.S. firm with offices across the Pacific Northwest, points out on its website that getting it all over with has certain advantages. Filing for divorce early means beating the new year rush, while waiting can lead to messier financial paperwork due to year-end bonuses or your relationship status at tax time. Of course, anyone in a volatile or abusive marriage should get out of it immediately.
Whatever your situation, planning is essential, says Deborah Moskovitch, a Toronto-based divorce coach, because divorce can be a long, acrimonious process. “My recommendation is, start thinking about it in September,” she says. “You don’t want to be fighting the last week of December over who gets the kids when.”
And while many people want to believe the magic of the holidays can fix a broken marriage, that wasn’t the experience of Tereasa, a Calgary-based researcher who ended her marriage in January, 2012. She and her husband of 15 years had been drifting apart for at least two years, and she vividly remembers the gloom of their last holidays.
Despite the clear problems in her marriage, she wanted to believe the magic of the season might repair some of the damage. “You start to fool yourself. You think, ‘Maybe I can make it okay?’ ” Tereasa says. She hoped the Christmas spirit might show through in her husband, that “his real, true, generous, kind nature that I know he has somewhere deep down will come out more.”
Instead, it was a long, painful season, which included having to put on her best face during a visit to her in-laws’ home. “I was sitting there feeling so miserable because if I leave [the marriage], they are going to hate my guts and they’re never going to talk to me again,” she says.
Having waited through December herself, Tereasa is not surprised to hear that divorce lawyers’ doors blow off their hinges in the new year. “The beauty and mystery of Christmas and all of its pressures of family and tradition melt away in the cold light of January,” she says.
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Dec. 16, 2016 Post Secret:
Dec. 2, 2018:
My week:
Dec. 7, 2018 "Teen quits Grande Prairie Wal-mart with epic rant":
Facebook video of a 17-year-old worker airing his grievances over a Grande Prairie Walmart intercom system and then quitting his job is attracting some online attention.
The “How I quit my job today” video posted to Jackson Racicot’s Facebook page at around 4 p.m. on Thursday shows him dialling into the intercom system at a Grande Prairie Walmart and addressing shoppers, associates and management in a speech that could rival Howard Beale’s famous “I’m as mad as hell” monologue from the movie Network.
“I got fed up,” Racicot said in a Friday interview, explaining he felt employees were not being treated well and others should know about it.
He said had been working in various Walmart departments for a little over a year and a half. “I don’t regret what I did, I went into this knowing what will happen,” he said.
Racicot told Postmedia that he had already secured a new job before his rant and he knew that was the way he was going to quit. He had pre-written some of what he said over the Walmart public address system.
Walmart responded in a statement Friday. “We are aware of the video circulating online and are disappointed by this incident. Respect for all individuals including our associates and customers is a core value at Walmart,” said the statement emailed to Postmedia. “We are looking into this matter and will address it internally as required.”
There was support for the way he quit his job posted in comments on Racicot’s Facebook video, but a few cautioned him about a potential backlash for his behaviour.
By noon on Friday, the video had more than 15,000 views, 250 reactions, 434 shares and 275 comments.
My opinion: At first I was like: "Here's another employee who has a big and dramatic way to quit a job he or she hates."
Does anyone remember "Joey who quits his job with a marching band?" I wrote about it on my blog.
Then I actually watched the Wal- mart video and I was like: "Yeah!"
Pros: It's Wal-Mart. There are lots of people who hate this store and would say the same thing.
Cons: What about his future bosses who find this video and decided not to hire him because of it?
Joey quitting with a marching band will not affect if he gets jobs in the future.
Jackson should have posted all his anonymous complaints on a job review site like Indeed and Glassdoor. People say negative comments about companies here.
Dec. 10, 2018 Kevin Hart quits Oscar's hosting: First he's a host and then 2 days later he isn't:
Kevin Hart is stepping down from hosting the Oscars after homophobic tweets surfaced on Thursday.
The tweets, between 2009 and 2011, included derogatory language referring to gay people and made disparaging comments about sexuality.
n one of the tweets from 2011, among some that have been deleted, the comedian-actor said, "Yo if my son comes home & try's 2 play with my daughters doll house I'm going 2 break it over his head & say n my voice 'stop that's gay'."
"I have made the choice to step down from hosting this year's Oscar's," Hart, who is currently performing in Sydney, Australia, announced late Sunday on Twitter. "This is because I do not want to be a distraction on a night that should be celebrated by so many amazing talented artists. I sincerely apologize to the LGBTQ community for my insensitive words from my past. I'm sorry that I hurt people... I am evolving and want to continue to do so. My goal is to bring people together not tear us apart. Much love & appreciation to the Academy. I hope we can meet again."
My opinion: Here's another case of someone who posts something racist, homophobic, mean, and offensive and is out of a job.
Well Hart voluntarily stepped down. The last big news was Roseanne was out of a job on her show because of a racist tweet.
https://www.cnn.com/2018/12/07/entertainment/kevin-hart-oscars-step-down/index.html
Well Hart voluntarily stepped down. The last big news was Roseanne was out of a job on her show because of a racist tweet.
https://www.cnn.com/2018/12/07/entertainment/kevin-hart-oscars-step-down/index.html
Work: It was busy on Sun. night with 2 big reservations. We had a new server K help us. At first it was average, and then it was busy to clean up the tables and close on time.
Quit: The busser J quit. He has been here for 3 yrs. I work a different schedule than he was for some months.
Rehired: The hostess G and the server Le were hired back. G has been here for years and quit around 2017. Le was here from 2015-2017.
Charity: I know I write about charity and celebrities donating to charity once a week or every 2 weeks:
Can Man Dan:
This year, Edmonton activist Dan Johnstone vows to complete five campouts, ranging between three and five nights each, to collect donations for the Edmonton Food Bank and Santas Anonymous.
“I had some extra time on my hands this holiday season and I said, ‘Hey, why not? Let’s do five campouts,’” Johnstone said of the increase from four campouts in 2017. “I couldn’t think of a better way to use my vacation time.”
Johnstone is currently on his third campout, sleeping in his collection truck at Famous Toys, 2403 91 St., until Sunday evening to generate toy donations for Santas Anonymous. His second quest at the start of the month raised 20,000 pounds of food for the food bank.
Adopt a Teen Edmonton: Donate money so teens in need can get presents.
Or you can donate clothes to the Youth Empowerment Services.
Cops help kids Christmas shopping:
John of God accused: I know this guy because he was on Oprah:
Silence. The word, repeated exhaustively as an order in pictures and posters hanging on walls at Casa Dom Inácio de Loyola, in Abadiânia (GO) describes what part of the small town's 15,000 residents have been going through since the press reported several allegations of sexual abuse involving João de Deus (John of God), one of Brazil's most famous psychics.
On the streets, few people talk freely about the scandal, since the town's economy relies heavily on the activities of Casa Dom Inácio, João de Deus spiritual healing center, open since 1976. They say they are afraid of retaliation and also because the medium hasn't talked about it yet.
On Saturday (8th), 13 women told newspaper O Globo and TV Globo's late night talk show "Conversa com Bial" that the psychic had been sexually abused them during spiritual healing sessions in his private quarters inside Casa Dom Inácio, where more than a thousand people pass every week, from Wednesdays to Fridays.
https://www1.folha.uol.com.br/internacional/en/brazil/2018/12/abuse-allegations-against-john-of-god-shock-small-goias-town.shtml
Dec. 11, 2018 Pizza place job interview: I went there today. I got a call and we talked on the phone about how it was mainly for evenings, but there are some day time hours.
I attended the interview. It was 5 min. long. I did tell about my kitchen helper experience. The boss did say if there are more day time hours available, she will call.
I then walked over to the coffee shop. I had applied online, and then I got an email for an interview. I emailed on Sun. I then called and left a message with a worker on Mon. I went to the coffee shop in- person to see if a manager was there. There wasn't.
Dec. 13, 2018 Facebook networking: Yesterday and today I was emailing all my friends on Facebook and asking about if they know of any restaurants, stores, or medical offices hiring. The last time I did this was in Feb. 2017.
I got lots of replies of mainly: "No, but I will keep an eye out for you."
There were some I already did:
Cham: Apply online.
K (from the Office Assistant program): The holiday season where stores are hiring. She then tells me this store.
I reply: Yeah, I know. I went to an interview there last night.
A (from Filmmakers Meetup): I pass out all my resumes to stores at the mall.
I reply: I did that.
All I want for Christmas is: a job. A regular job at a restaurant or store.
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