Aug. 7, 2018 "Inside the business of breaking up": Today I found this article by Megan Haynes in the Globe and Mail:
For two years, Hamilton-based Joshua Lombardo-Bottema was stuck in a love-filled, passionate, but often toxic relationship. When his partner ended things, he got stuck in a rut.
“My relationship was super dramatic,” the 31-year-old says. “But I loved her very much and a breakup can feel as bad as physical pain. I’d rather be punched in the face – at least that pain fades in a few days.”
A few weeks later, when he couldn’t shake the depression, Lombardo-Bottema called up Natalia Juarez, a Toronto “breakup coach” who’s part of a burgeoning cottage industry for the newly single.
Dating is a $142-million industry in Canada, according to research firm IBISWorld – it’s natural there is money to be had at the end of relationships as well.
There are workshops and online classes that provide heartbreak-coping techniques, such as those offered by Toronto’s Joana Lopez. In these courses, Lopez spends time explaining the psychological responses people have to breakups, because understanding helps people better accept the associated sadness, which, in turn, helps them move on, she says.
For people who want a more intensive approach, there are retreats, such as Renew Breakup Bootcamp out of the United States, which offers four days of uninterrupted healing time, complete with yoga, healthy meals and group and solo therapy (at a cost of $1,600).
For the tech-savvy, there are apps including Mend, which offer customized recovery plans based on where in the heartbreak cycle a user is – such as an “ex-detox” – and advice on how to be more active again.
Breakup coach Juarez worked with Lombardo-Bottema over five sessions. At first, she offered an empathic ear, which helped him feel like he wasn’t alone in his grief, he says.
Next, she gave him reading assignments to help him better understand what kind of boyfriend he was. “I learned I wasn’t actually listening to my partner and hearing her fully,” he says. “I was pretty selfish, but I thought I was doing a good job because I was doing my best at the time.”
Juarez’s work isn’t always focused on recovery, she says. About 50 per cent of her clients, largely men in their 30s and 40s, want help winning back their former partners, she says. A good portion of her time is spent working with these clients to determine whether the relationship is viable and getting to the root of why it didn’t work out in the first place.
About 25 per cent of her clients want help with the actual breaking up, and the last 25 per cent are seeking help in the aftermath.
But people have been dating and breaking up for centuries – is an entire industry dedicated to heartbreak necessary?
The niche market is a coalescence of two trends, says Toronto’s Johanna Faigelman, chief executive of market-research firm Human Branding and an anthropologist who studies millennials in particular. First, there’s a focus on “wellness.”
“[Adults today] want to be healthier than their parents and a big part of that is about ‘self-care,’” she says. “They’re spending twice as much as [older adults] on things they see as self-care essentials, like work-out regimes, meditation classes, diet plans, therapy.”
Coaching is also seeing a rise with today’s 20-to-40-year-olds, Faigelman adds: In the United States alone, “life coaching” has ballooned to a US$1-billion industry, according to IBISWorld.
It’s important to note that there’s no “right way” to heal from a breakup, says Montreal’s Nadia Szkrumelak, psychiatrist-in-chief at McGill University Hospital Centre. Everyone deals with grief differently, and, for most, time will do most of the work for them. But for people who tend to handle stress badly or may be slipping into depression, support from third parties to develop coping plans can help ease the pain.
Psychologist and couples therapist Nicole McCance says these niche breakup services are not surprising, and can even be very useful.
“Breakups are about rejection,” she says. “It can feel like a death to some. They are grieving not only losing their partner, but the life they thought they would have.”
She warns that not everyone will be well-suited to breakup coaching services and retreats, however. “Sometimes people will need more than a niche focus. There might be underlying [issues] that caused the breakup that coaches won’t be trained to deal with.”
But for Lombardo-Bottema, the experience has been life-changing. He says he’s trying to get better at listening, taking the time to really understand what the other person is saying.
That’s helped him not just in his relationships, but also in his business dealings, he says. But more than that, working with a coach has helped him move on from his ex.
“I felt like I was crippled emotionally,” he says. “With Natalia, I’ve done a tremendous amount of work on myself [since then]. I feel like I’m twice the man I used to be.”
https://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/article-inside-breakup-wellness-bootcamps-apps-counselling-coaching-and/
Aug. 14, 2018 "Should you wait for someone who isn't fully invested in the relationship?": Today I found this advice column by David Eddie in the Globe and Mail:
The question
I’m in a stinky situation and need advice. I’ve been single for two years, and haven’t met anyone I like until I met this amazing guy a month ago. We have great chemistry and a lot in common. But this week he “needed to talk” because he’d been feeling unsure about us. He said he thinks we’re great together and loves spending time with me, but hasn’t fallen in love. We’ve been trying to figure out why, until he realized he may not be over his ex (they dated until a few months ago).
So he needs time to get over her in order to be open for falling in love with me. He said he completely understood if I don’t want to see him anymore, but that he loves spending time with me. He’s not a guy that says things just to be nice; he’s really honest about what he feels. The thing is I really like him and don’t want to let him go, but what if he gets over his ex and I develop more feelings for him and he just doesn’t feel anything more for me? Or is it a good chance he will fall in love when he feels emotionally available? Should I wait or should I go?
The answer
That does sound like a stinky situation.
Normally, here at Damage Control, we put the call out for “sticky situations,” but I can do stinky as well.
And this one does have a bit of a pong to it, I have to admit: I’m getting strong undercurrents of B.S. with some top-notes of over-florid covering verbiage.
I’ve always felt that the two elements needed in the early going of a relationship are a) momentum, b) exclusivity.
My wife and I (now in our 26th year) came together like a thunderclap. And a big part of that was there was nothing ambivalent about my interest in her.
With her, I was punching way, way out of my weight-class. She was all five of The Five Esses (TM) every bachelor seeks: Smart, Sexy, Soulful, Sane and Single – the last of which I almost appreciated the most. No half-hearted, half-there, booty-call-available half-boyfriends.
She was free and clear, as was I, so our courtship could proceed without a hitch.
And one thing I have come to understand that she appreciated about me: My interest in those early days contained no element of equivocation or doubt.
So now when people ask her (sometimes right in front of me, their faces full of “sociological interest,”) what an uberbabe like her could ever possibly see in an ordinary schlub like me, she will begin by praising me in various ways, for which I’m grateful – but at some point will inevitably say: “I’ll tell you this, though: I was never in any doubt about his interest in me.”
And I think every person, every human, deserves no less. For a potential romantic partner to gaze deep into your eyes and say: “You know what? You are the sole recipient of my exclusive romantic attention. Forget everyone else. I forsake all others and want you.”
Your guy just sounds too ambivalent. “I’m not sure if I’m over my ex, I’m not really sure I love you” and blah blah blah.
I don’t know you, but I know you deserve better than that.
I would put this guy on ice, by which I mean (in a terrible conflation of conflicting metaphors, sorry) put him in the penalty box for a while.
Say (in your own words, of course): “Listen, Mr. Maybe, I need someone who is fully interested in me and fully invested in our relationship; otherwise I want you to release me so I can find someone who is, and you can find someone who pushes all your buttons.”
And then more or less cut off contact with him. I’m not saying “ghost” him, but do be definitive.
And then he may realize what all his fence-sitting is costing him: the potential loss of you. And come at you with a little less equivocation and ambivalence.
Some might accuse me of advocating gamesmanship here, but it’s not really true. I just think we all deserve a partner who is unambiguously interested – especially at the start.
https://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/article-should-you-wait-for-someone-who-isnt-fully-invested/
happycamper14
As a retired therapist, I completely agree with these comments. I would change one comment slightly
" I want you to release me so I can find someone who is, and you can find someone who pushes all your buttons.”
She is fully in charge of her decision and it would be better stated as "I release you" ( and don't let the door hit you on the way out).
Were you waiting for Dave to tell you to 'hang in there'? He obviously has more sense than you. Leave this situation and offer no explanations as he has shown he doesn't really care. Nobody is a doormat unless they lay themselves down.
I think you were exactly right DE. If the writer stays with this person when their interest is iffy, they will at best be taken for granted and at worst, 2 - timed with someone else.
Every person deserves to be the object of devotion. My husband and I have been married for 35 years and I never doubted his total love for me.
Yup, Dave got it right. Move on. Right now. Get going. Don't look back. Nothing but a waste of time and heart-ache with this situation. He's just not that into you.
Excellent article David, even though quite obvious to most other commenters here. But, most of us are easily blinded when the 'romance' of 'love' takes over. It seems that this lady is seaking confirmation ... good that you didn't give it.
It would be interesting to write a similar article about senior couples simply needing companionship ... albeit romantic.
It would be interesting to write a similar article about senior couples simply needing companionship ... albeit romantic.
Run away! and don't look back.You are looking for that man who adores you and thinks you are wonderful from the moment you meet him. And it does happen at every age. Turn the page and think about it this way, this man was a reasonable copy and that means the real deal just might be the next one. Now go have fun!
You should apply to be a cast member on The Bachelor. You fall in love easily - just one month of dating, and the guy has to tell you the 2 of you are not on the same page. He is offering to "set you free", and you should take up the offer. As to why he is not (yet) into you, that is just looking for excuses. See the Colton and Becca / Tia situation on the current Bachelor in Paradise. This week's opening episode is strongly weighted towards that ex-bf/gf relationship.
My advice: Run don't walk for the nearest exit!
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