Five years ago, I became good friends with a gentleman in my beginner dance class. We had good dance chemistry, so we would go to multiple classes and open dance sessions each week. We weren’t “together,” but we’d check in and see if the other person was going and dance with each other frequently. These meetups weren’t dates and didn’t feel like them, but after a few weeks of this, my dance partner asked me to get dinner instead, without any further explanation.
I had entertained the idea of a romantic connection early on in the dance friendship, but as we remained platonic for weeks, I had closed off the possibility in my mind. This dinner seemed too late to be a move toward romance, especially given that I was moving away within a few weeks.
We ate at a romantic outdoor restaurant and got entirely off the subject of dancing, talking about our families and other personal topics. I found myself asking outright whether it was a date or not, and I got a pretty confusing answer: “I don’t know.”
The confusion was eventually cleared up through a few multi-hour talks: We weren’t meant to be in a romantic relationship, and the timing would have been terrible even if we were.
Part of my concern with dating him was the confusing way our relationship would have started, especially since it made me feel like he wasn’t interested enough to make a clear move. And this confusion also ended up having a chilling effect on what was otherwise a good friendship.
This kind of “surprise date” — what I call a social outing that turns out to be a date, even if one or even both parties don’t know it beforehand — can seem innocent enough, and perhaps exciting to some people.
But to me, it seems like a way to risk making a friendship uncomfortable or making someone feel like you don’t really like them, even if you do.
Dating apps and a pick-up line in a bar clearly signal a person’s intentions as romantic. Unfortunately, if those intentions are clear, it allows us to avoid the words “Want to go on a date?” and so we aren’t used to stating what we want in ambiguous contexts.
“The words ‘date,’ ‘romance,’ and ‘sex,’ even, are taboo words and they make people nervous,” said Thomas Edwards, a professional wingman. “To alleviate that anxiety, they use softer words like ‘let’s hang out’; it makes everything a bit more casual but also confuses the intention.”
Meetups with co-workers, friends or acquaintances from clubs or organizations can sometimes fall into in this middle ground between a date and not. There might also be more at stake if the intentions are expressed poorly, as compared to a casual first date arranged on Tinder.
“You have to ask yourself: Is the prospect of having a romantic relationship more valuable than the risk this poses to the current relationship?” Edwards says. “You must be clear, transparent and honest, because without that, things get very complicated.”
Intentions can become an especially serious issue in an era when Harvey Weinstein and other men accused of sexual misconduct have allegedly tried to initiate physical contact in encounters that were purportedly business-related.
Even when nothing illegal is happening, when someone creates an atmosphere of romance without voicing their intentions, they might make the person uncomfortable.
Given these complications, specifically saying, “Want to go on a date?” can be useful.
“Doing a surprise date, even when done in a nonaggressive, undeniably romantic, well-intentioned way, can be tricky,” says Laurel House, a dating and empowerment coach. She mentions that it might work for rekindling a relationship with an ex or for making the person you’re hooking up with more of a long-term romantic partner, but in both of those cases, some mutual interest was expressed already, and she recommends moving slowly to make sure the other person is on board.
Even when no one intends a surprise date to be manipulative, they can come across that way. If simply asked to eat dinner together, without the implication of a date, many people might say yes in part because they thought they were safely out of “date” territory.
“At its best it could be an awkward situation for the person to gracefully bow out of,” Kali Rogers, founder of Blush Online Life Coaching. “At its worst, they could easily feel like they’re being sexually harassed. It’s best not to put somebody you like in either of those situations.”
And if you do find yourself on a surprise date, then once the mental fog clears, it’s important to remember you always have a choice.
“It is more than acceptable to end the date immediately,” Rogers said. “You do not need to continue being put in a situation you did not agree to in the first place.”
“You are adults and can communicate with each other; it can be hard to say ‘I don’t feel the way you do’ but it’s necessary,” Edwards added. “Then you can collaborate on whether to continue with the planned activity.”
While there are other strategies to finding out if these friends or colleagues are interested in dating — like getting a friend to ask the person subtly or observing whether this person gives you more attention than other friends — the main rule of thumb is more communication rather than less.
And sometimes, holding off on the date can help. House describes smaller moves toward a romantic relationship as a better way to go, with simple compliments and kind gestures to start: “You are planting little seeds that will hopefully root down and grow up. You are dropping little thoughts in her mind that will unexpectedly pop up and make her start to see you from a new perspective.”
Jan. 30, 2018 Steve Murray dating advice: I found this article I cut out called "Extremely bad advice" in the National Post on Nov. 8, 2012:
"How do I find a guy that's single, interested and long term relationship material?":
STEP ONE Get with an ugly dude! If you can find an ugly man who doesn’t make you physically sick to your stomach, you have an excellent chance of bagging him in our looks-obsessed society. He will be so happy to have been plucked out of the ugly mud and given a relationship that he’ll do anything for you, from the dishes to murdering your enemies. But beware, though! The neediness of an ugly man can also mean jealousy stemming from low self-esteem! So never, ever let him know that he’s ugly. Call him “uniquely handsome” or “sexy in specific lighting.” A lot of people will say I’m a monster for daring to stereotype ugly men, but I used to be one so I just know these things. But then my ugly hair started falling out, leaving me with gentle, attractive wisps on my aging head and now I’m super attractive and NO woman can tie me down now, metaphorically speaking!
STEP TWO You probably have one of these in your life: a happy couple who’s always trying to set you up. There are a couple of things at play here. These people are probably deeply unhappy and want to stop focusing on each other and, instead, redirect their romantic energies toward helping you find love.
But at the same time, they don’t necessarily want it to work because they love living vicariously through you. Essentially, they’re asking for you to break them up and destroy their home. You probably already fancy the husband, because, hey, he’s clearly someone you like that’s good in relationships. So, just go ahead and do what they’re begging you to do and start seducing some good ol’ husbands!
STEP THREE In a previous advice column, I suggested that people become psychotherapists in order to meet people, and now that I have several lawsuits against me from the Canadian Council of Maligned Psychotherapists, I will no longer be giving that particular bit of advice. But, there are certain positions out there that are unbound by codes of “ethics” and “laws” that you can aspire to in your coupling quest.
I suggest becoming a “life coach!” That way you can meet men who strive to better themselves and are clearly missing things in their lives! As an added bonus, you can work on changing the things that are wrong with them PRIOR to entering into a relationship! And you get paid! And I’m, like, 90% certain there’s no such thing as the Canadian Council of Life Coaches! Win-win!
STEP FOUR Look, you’ll probably just end up meeting guys online, like most people these days. If this is the case, I really only have one tip for you. It may seem like you have no time and can sense duds when you meet them, but trust me, a second date is usually a good idea.
A combination of nerves and awkwardly trying to put their best foot forward can really kill a first date. Unless the guy is very clearly a no-go, keep the idea of a second date on the table. From my own experience, I can safely say I have been responsible for some wretched first dates. I may have even destroyed first dates I wasn’t a part of. I may be ruining a first date right now as you read this out loud to a potential lover. As always, I’m sorry for everything. Good luck finding love.
http://nationalpost.com/entertainment/extremely-bad-advice-finding-mr-right-i-guess
My week:
Mar. 5, 2018 "Male escort IDs 40 active gay priests": Today I found this in the National Post in the Edmonton Journal:
VATICAN CITY — The archdiocese of Naples says it has sent the Vatican a 1,200-page dossier compiled by a male escort identifying 40 actively gay priests and seminarians in Italy.
In a statement on the diocesan website, Cardinal Cresenzio Sepe said none of the identified priests worked in Naples. But he said he decided to forward the file to the Vatican because “there remains the gravity of the cases for which those who have erred must pay the price, and be helped to repent for the harm done.”
The dossier, containing WhatsApp chats and other evidence, was compiled by a self-proclaimed gay escort, Francesco Mangiacapra. He has told Italian media that he outed the priests because he couldn’t stand their hypocrisy any longer.
None of the 34 priests or six seminarians was accused of having sex with minors, Mangiacapra was quoted as saying in the diocesan statement.
Il Papa will assume the thousand yard stare to some point in the vague distance and ignore any sex problems to do with his priests who are living unnatural lives due to the absurd requirement of celibacy and the problems that causes.
l ·
Evidence of cause and effect please?
While blaming celibacy is a facile answer (that accomplishes the critic's real goal of blaming Church tradition) there's no proven link or even correlation to support such a claim.
I have mentioned this before like how in Feb. it was so busy.
Feb. 11-Feb. 17, 2018: I worked so much. The highlight of my week was that I watched Riverdale and the new CBC TV show Burden of Truth. I went to one social event.
Feb. 18-Feb. 25, 2018: I worked so much. The highlight of my week was that I watched Philip K. Dick's Electric Dreams.
"A sci-fi anthology series with stand-alone episodes based on the works of Philip K. Dick."
My opinion: I had some reservations of this show. I decided to record all the episodes and watch it all in one week.
Philip K. Dick is a big sci-fi writer and wrote Minority Report. I never saw the movie, but I saw the pilot of the TV show based on the movie. The Electric Dreams is very good. I went on the internet to see how close the short stories and TV shows are. Here's the article:
I liked it very much. It was thought- provoking. Most stories are set in the future and there are a lot of special effects. I guess my personal favorites are "The Hoodmaker" and "Impossible Planet."
Feb. 26-Mar. 3, 2018: The highlight of the week was that I saw the new CBC TV show Caught:
David Slaney escapes from prison tries to hook up with his partner for one more drug deal and while being hunted by police. Based on the novel by Lisa Moore.
My opinion: One of my favorite Edmonton actors Eric Johnson is in it. However, if he wasn't in it, I would still watch it. There are only 5 episodes.
Little Dog: This is a new CBC TV show. There are only 7 episodes.
Five years after quitting a match, boxer Tommy "Little Dog" Ross begins a quest for redemption.
My opinion: I thought I was going to watch the first 2 episodes that aired and not watch it again. However, I liked it because it reminded me of my script I wrote The Vertex Fighter. There are only 7 episodes so I'll watch the rest of the season.
Mar. 8, 2018 Ryan Arcand's death: I found this in the Edmonton Journal. I remember listening to this on the radio in 2014. It sounded so beautifully:
Man on the street plays beautifully
Ryan, a man who has been living on the street for 30 years plays the piano outside in downtown Edmonton, in Churchill Square, no one taught him to play, he just could. His original song... The Beginning by Ryan Arcand
Arcand was a member of the Alexander First Nation in Alberta and was placed in the foster-care system along with his brother at the age of three or four, family members told CBC. It was in foster care where the musician first found a piano in a basement.
"It was as though we were meant for each other," Arcand explained to the CBC shortly after the YouTube video went viral. "You're looking at the piano and you're falling in love with it."
He learned to play themes from television and movies by ear, and later began to write his own music.
At 13, he says he ran away to the city of Edmonton where he lived on the streets. Alcohol soon became the driving force in his life, but beneath the haze, his love of music persisted, he said.
He played on pianos in churches, hospitals and in Sir Winston Churchill square.
That was where Roslyn Polard discovered him one day, and took the video that would make him famous.
The song he played for her was appropriately called "The Beginning".
His newfound notoriety earned him the nickname "piano man" and helped get him into supportive housing. Polard used the money she made from the video to buy a piano for the housing complex's lobby so that he could play every day.
We Ride Africa:
The story of water and adventure cycling in Ethiopia.
In partnership with local organizations and the HOPE International Development Agency we ride our bikes across, around, and to the world's forgotten places to raise money for water.
Mar. 9, 2018 School cafeteria job: I'm going to write about it so I can deal with it and move on. I did an interview for this a couple of months ago. I did the interview on Thurs. I thought of calling on Sat. to see if they made a decision. I called on Mon. and they haven't decided yet.
I didn't get hired. That's fine. I know that this is just a regular job, and not a career. I wanted to work there.
Law firm job interview: I did an interview in Jan. 2018.
Pros:
1. It was in downtown.
2. The hours were full-time.
3. The pay was $15/hr.
4. I can do the job.
Cons:
1. It may be too hard and stressful.
My opinion: I would work there if I got hired. I will give them points that they called me to say I didn't.
Fast food place: I did an interview for them last month.
Pros:
1. It was really close by.
2. The hours were full-time.
3. The pay was good $14.50/hr.
4. 50% off food.
5. Benefits after 3 months.
Cons:
1. This is a mild con. All the workers there were seniors. They could be retired. I'm young so I may not fit in and they are looking for someone older.
My opinion: I would work there if I got hired. I had a good rapport with the boss.
Restaurant: I saw this job ad for a restaurant where I had passed my resume to. It turns out they were looking for nights and it closes at 11pm.
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