Dec. 8, 2017 "I was a Muslim divorcee": Today I found this life essay by Sarah Malik Sayed in the Globe and Mail:
I left my husband because I never should have been married in the first place, Sarah Malik Sayed writes. Why doesn’t my culture understand that?
It is a truth still universally acknowledged in Muslim culture that an unmarried woman at 30 has failed at life. But my case wasn’t so simple: I was divorced and I lived on my own, two taboos that made me undesirable (and suspicious) in addition to my advanced age of 29.
People suggested that I should get a professional matchmaker’s help and so my family paid $300 to a woman who claimed to have deep connections across Canada. Once I found a match, I would have to pay another $300.
The first match she sent my way made me realize exactly how undesirable I was. The potential mother-in-law wanted to take a photograph of me during our first meeting, as though I were an exhibit at a museum.
I waited an hour and a half at an upscale coffee shop in downtown Toronto while she sent texts that she was “nearly there.” When she finally walked in, I found out that her son had never planned to come along, a detail she had omitted when we were arranging a time to meet. Barely 10 minutes into our conversation, she insisted on taking a photograph of me in “good light” to show her son. We hadn’t even placed our order yet.
Another potential mother-in-law asked why my husband had left me, automatically assuming that he had done the leaving. The matchmaker, who had built a national reputation, said that because I was a divorcée and “likely infertile,” I should be open to men over 40 with children.
I was childless by choice. It was my only act of will in a long marriage.
Let me backtrack. I married when I was 20. Growing up in a traditional Muslim Pakistani home in Calgary, my whole world was turned upside down when my parents left Canada and moved to the Middle East. I stayed in Calgary because I was in the middle of my semester at university.
Before they left, I had never even been permitted to go out on my own except to attend university.
When a man who was a few years older than me proposed, I accepted because I didn’t know how to say no and felt unmoored without protection and support.
On the day of my nikkah, my Islamic marriage ceremony, I went to an empty room and cried so much I ruined my makeup. I knew I was making the worst mistake of my life, but felt powerless to stop what was going on or even to name my feelings. I had been taught that I was an amanat to my family – something given for safekeeping that must be returned.
My true home was with a husband, as is the case for all girls in traditional Pakistani culture. Living alone, I was an abnormal occurrence and people would doubt my chastity. I had been taught that I would be disowned if I engaged in any physical acts, even kissing, before marriage.
I stayed in that marriage for seven long years. Looking back, those years are a blur, as though they’re someone else’s life. Although my husband was kind, marriage from the start had meant social isolation.
At university, while others partied or travelled on study-abroad programs, I spoke another vocabulary altogether. No one understood why I was married, so I stopped talking about it and became more isolated because I had to hide my truth.
Confused about my place in my culture and religion, cut off from my family, I had no idea who I was and what I wanted from life.
Each time I tried to talk about it, my family shushed my unhappiness because they told me I had no reason to leave. My husband was letting me study, he was from a good family, he treated me well, so what did I mean I was not happy?
In a fit of desperation, I left Edmonton to study at University of California, Berkeley, for four months, using my wedding gift money. The next year, I went to City University of New York for graduate work and then to Toronto for an MA program.
I initiated a divorce because I wanted more from my life and I wanted to figure out what those goals were without a sense of duty to another person.
When my stepmother heard about my decision, she fainted.
I lost the support of my parents and my extended family for almost five years. During that time, we only had scattered meetings and conversations that always ended in tears on both sides.
Their disappointment was a constant presence in my life. In a culture where arranged marriages are common and romantic love is often scoffed at as unrealistic, my family did not – and could not – understand why I had chosen to leave.
It took a long time for my relationship with my family to normalize. To this day, no one talks about that time in my life. The cost to me has been heavy: I’ve learned to be silent about my past so that I won’t embarrass anyone.
Between the ages of 20 and 27, it was like I ceased to exist. Although that first marriage was the biggest influence on my identity, it also feels like a major chunk of my youth is an entire blank.
Now, I am 33, with a new husband and a baby (without the help of a matchmaker, I must add).
It took a long time to find someone who accepted that I lived alone and had divorced my first husband “for no reason.”
Pakistani culture, Muslim culture and, frankly, South Asian culture over all makes marriage the epitome of a woman’s life. (I remember how my former roommate in Toronto would proudly boast about the doctors who were sending her proposals.)
But the dialogue around divorce, particularly when a woman initiates it “for no reason,” as I did, does not occur in my culture.
We celebrate when a woman makes a good match and we are learning to celebrate when a battered woman finds the strength to speak up and leave her marriage.
So why do we counsel silence and shame when a woman leaves to find her place in the world?
What should be celebrated as an act of strength, becomes instead an untouchable topic. An awkward pause, an embarrassed “oh” moment and then a quick scramble to change the subject.
Parents in South Asian culture spend years finding a suitable match for their children. In that process, education, job, common values and family lineage are the most important
considerations.
While no romantic relationship can last if there are major disagreements over money and values, Muslim families also need to consider the intangible factors which make for true happiness.
Divorces in Muslim culture are on the rise, yet few are opening their eyes to this new reality and considering why.
Instead of shunning divorcées and humiliating them, we need to let them voice their truth and make a place for the strength they bring to our culture.
My opinion: This article reminds me of the girl who's in a religion that doesn't allow her to talk to boys, like this part:
"I had been taught that I would be disowned if I engaged in any physical acts, even kissing, before marriage."
Also I know an East Indian woman and her religion is Sikh. Her parents are divorced.
The Simpsons: This reminds me of the ep where Apu gets married to his arranged marriage.
Sept. 22, 2017 "What to expect when you're separating": Today I found this life essay by Alana Giustizia in the Globe and Mail. I like the picture.
"And you will grieve the loss of his family … "
It was 10 minutes into my first appointment with a counsellor after the heart-wrenching realization that my then-husband and I may soon be separating. Separating from the man I had believed, without a doubt, would be my forever husband.
She had started with what was likely her standard introduction to "What to expect when you are separating." I found myself thinking back to almost 25 years ago and reading What to Expect When You're Expecting before the birth of our first son.
Most of what she was saying didn't surprise me. That I would grieve the good things about our marriage, the loss of what I imagined the future together would have been, our memories and family traditions, having a partner.
But when she got to grieving his family, I stopped her mid-sentence. "No, no, no you don't understand. They are not just his family. They are my family, too. As much my family as his family. As much family to me as my own large and loving family. That won't change."
She looked at me knowingly, with sympathy, and said, "It will."
His family, "our" family, did everything together for the past quarter century. They are a beautiful, kind-hearted, outrageously funny (pee your pants funny) and a little bit crazy (or more than a bit crazy) Italian family. "Good crazy, really fun crazy, life-would-be-boring-without-it crazy" is what my younger son calls it.
Our kids are all the same age. We vacationed together, raised our kids together, took care of aging parents together, celebrated life, marriages and death together, were there through life's hardest challenges together and healed hurts and grievances together.
And we managed to do all that while living provinces apart and, for some years, continents apart.
After we separated, I did grieve all of the things my counsellor had mentioned. And thousands more. I grieved them deeper, longer and harder than I could have ever imagined.
One of the thousand things I grieved was the fact that the term "ex" was now a part of my life. I despise it. I have spent the past two years avoiding the term "ex" like the plague. I have only said "ex-husband" once, maybe, I always seem to find a way around it. I generally refer to him by name, even when people would not know who he was, which causes all kinds of confusion. But I still prefer it over using the term "ex."
But somehow, two years post separation, through a combination of circumstances and perhaps a bit of my own denial, I was not yet faced with grieving his family. The traditions continued and those that started to change were affected by things other than our separation.
Our children were becoming young adults with more responsibilities and teenagers with summer jobs and our lives were pulling us all in different directions. We managed to continue to do what we had always done – we supported each other, vacationed together and celebrated special occasions together.
At the two-year mark, a few days after receiving the divorce papers in the mail, an acquaintance was telling me about her coming cottage weekend. "We do a girl's weekend every year" she said, "with my mom, my sister and two ex-sister-in-laws."
I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach. Ex-sister-in-law? How could I be two years into this process and not have once considered that his whole family would, at least anecdotally, perhaps even legally, be considered "exes?"
My dear late mother-in-law and father-in-law who I adored? My numerous sister-in-laws and brother-in-laws and nieces and nephews, each one with such an important place in my life?
The extended Italian family of aunts and uncles and cousins and second cousins and third cousins once removed? Did I now have hundreds of "exes" in my life?
Over the course of the next few weeks, the universe made sure I wasn't going to skip over this part of the grieving process. I realized that certain casual family get-togethers had to go on without me, such as not getting an invitation to a special great aunt's 80th birthday party.
Missing the wake and funeral of a great uncle. Planning a scaled-down version of our annual family vacation. None of this should have been unexpected or a surprise, but it was painful, very painful. Just as I had been warned, I was fully grieving "his" family, my family.
But from this grief came an acceptance of my current reality. And with that acceptance came a deep gratitude for the gift of being part of that family, along with the powerful realization that I get to choose my own rules and define my relationship with "his" family in whatever way I want.
While things will continue to change, I have chosen that they will always have a huge place of my life.
Exes? Never. My forever family? Absolutely.
Alana Giustizia lives in Oakville, Ont.
This week's theme is about divorce:
"Bill and Melinda Gates already decided how to divide wealth: 'Divorce is not something to waste money on'"/ "Divorce is usually caused by the 3 'i's"
"Who gets divorced at 73?"/ "No hearing aids? Then no marriage"
My week:
Sept. 20, 2021 "'This election was an abuse of power': Canadians criticize, roast Liberal leader Justin Trudeau after repeat minority win in 2021 election": Today I found this article by Bryan Meler on Yahoo News:
Following the projected result, many took to Twitter to voice their frustration and to also even mock the prime minister. It comes after Trudeau called a snap-election in late-August, two years into a four-year term, while holding a minority government. While he never explicitly stated that he was after a majority, it's become the clear assumption among Canadians, as they headed to the polls amid a fourth wave of the COVID-19 pandemic.
Throughout the campaign, Elections Canada projected a $610-million price tag for the election to come to fruition, making it the most expensive to date, according to CBC.
The large price tag of north of $600 million became a staple in the Conservatives' campaign, and also clearly rubbed many Canadians the wrong way as its projected result became known.
'This election was an abuse of power': Canadians criticize, roast Liberal leader Justin Trudeau after repeat minority win in 2021 election (yahoo.com)
My opinion: This is a big waste of money. However, the people who worked for and during the campaign and elections did get paid.
Sept. 25, 2021 Set up my voicemail: Yesterday my mom told me to check the phone's voicemail. I went on the internet and looked up how to set up and check voicemail. This morning I was on the phone for like 25 min. listening and deleting old messages. I feel good that I accomplished this.
Sept. 24, 2021 "Zellers makes a comeback with pop-up store at Hudson's Bay": Today I found this article by Alicja Siekierska and Jeff Lagerquist on Yahoo News:
Zellers is back.
As first reported by Retail-Insider.com, HBC has opened a pop-up Zellers shop within its Hudson's Bay store in the Burlington Centre mall. The shop, decked out in the classic Zellers white and red, is the first Zellers pop-up rolled out by HBC, but a spokesperson for the company says future shops may be introduced at other locations.
"Hudson's Bay has created a pop-up Zellers shop at our Burlington Mall location, meant to delight our customers with a fun and nostalgic experience with one of HBC's most beloved brands," HBC spokesperson Tiffany Bourre said in an emailed statement.
The Zellers pop-up shop features a range of goods, from toys to housewares to Canada-themed clothing. Zeddy, the company's beloved mascot, was notably nowhere in sight.
Sept. 27, 2021 "A woman who can see after being blind for 36 years describes the surreal experience of seeing her own face in a mirror": Today I found this article by Andrea Michelson. This is positive:
Olivia Durant's world was once blurry beyond the tip of her nose. But at age 36, she got a series of life-changing surgeries that allowed her to see clearly for the first time.
Durant grew up legally blind due to an irregularity in her eye shape. She also struggled to walk because of a condition called ligament laxitity, and she was bullied for her differences, she told BuzzFeed.
When she was finally able to see herself in a mirror, Durant said she had to adjust her perception of herself - along with getting used to things like body language.
The procedures Durant underwent - called intraocular lens replacements - were partially covered by insurance because she developed cataracts at an early age. Even after qualifying for some coverage, she told Buzzfeed she ended up paying around $10,000 for her surgeries.
Before the surgeries, Durant could see some colors and shapes. She explained in a TikTok that she was born with eyes shaped like a football, resulting in her vision being similar to someone looking through a microscopic lens.
"I also had floaters, flashers, and a weird flame effect over the top of my field of vision," Durant added in an interview with Buzzfeed. "So I could see the tiny threads in the carpet if I pressed my eyes up to it, and the fibers in the paper where words were printed, but not anything in life past my nose."
While some may assume that blind people can't see at all, very few people have a "simple black field," as portrayed in movies, she told Buzzfeed.
A woman who can see after being blind for 36 years describes the surreal experience of seeing her own face in a mirror (yahoo.com)
My opinion: I remember watching a commercial about how blind people do have some vision.
I watch the TV show In the Dark about a blind woman. Please go to your eye exams about every 2 years. I remember in gr. 12 drama class, Mr. Mills had the students being blindfolded. We all had a bad experience and I remember a blonde girl saying she felt sad and frustrated.
We all learned what it's like to be blind and value our eye sight.
Sept. 29, 2021 "Death toll in Ecuador prison riot rises to 116, six decapitated": Today I found this article on Yahoo news: Here is some crazy news:
QUITO (Reuters) -The death toll from a riot at one of Ecuador's largest prisons rose to 116, President Guillermo Lasso said on Wednesday, adding that he would send additional security forces and free up funds to avoid a repeat.
Death toll in Ecuador prison riot rises to 116, six decapitated (yahoo.com)
Oct. 3, 2021 ESIO Film Networking event: I went there. I heard about it 2 days ago on Facebook. The event was free and I had to register. I met about 7 new people and Edmon from the Screenwriters Meetup group was there.
It was at District 102 in City Centre mall. I liked the restaurant.
ESIO Film Networking & Gathering Tickets, Sun, Oct 3, 2021 at 1:00 PM | Eventbrite
Oct. 4, 2021 "Rental scam cheats would-be tenants out of $4,300 and leaves owners with a shocking surprise": Today I found this article by Stu Mills on CBC News. Here is an excerpt:
There they met David Polk, still settling into the townhouse that he and his family had moved into just two days earlier.
Polk explained he had spotted the rental listing on Kijiji and had agreed to inspect the property, sign the lease and pay the first and last month's rent over a series of text messages with the supposed landlord, all without an in-person meeting.
But neither the Mittals nor their MLS agent had ever created a Kijiji ad for the unit.
Polk, who hadn't been in the rental market for many years, said he thought closing the deal without a face-to-face meeting was in line with how many businesses were operating during the pandemic.
"Under normal circumstances, yes, this would have raised some red flags," said the 36-year-old construction worker and father.
Polk said he e-transferred $4,300 in rent to a man who called himself Mikhael Gland, who provided the combination for the lock box to give Polk access to the keys.
Rental scam cheats would-be tenants out of $4,300 and leaves owners with a shocking surprise | CBC News
Oct. 7, 2021 CSI: Vegas: I only liked to watch the CSI: NY for Eddie Cahill. I don't think I will like this show, but I will check out the pilot. I don't know if I will be watching this when all my other TV shows are on break.
"Facing an existential threat that could bring down the Crime Lab, a brilliant team of forensic investigators must welcome back old friends and deploy new techniques to preserve and serve justice in Sin City."
My opinion: I saw the pilot and was just average. I didn't like it. I didn't expect to like it.
Sept. 28, 2021 "The original 'Law & Order' is coming back for Season 21": Today I found this article by Jolie Lash on Yahoo News:
Long before Netflix had TUDUM, NBC had DUN-DUN, and the network is about to get even more of it. Law & Order — no colon, no subtitle — is coming back.
Wolf Entertainment announced Tuesday that the original incarnation of its flagship series will be returning to air for a 21st season, more than a decade after it initially handed in its badge and gun.
"There are very few things in life that are literally dreams come true," Wolf Entertainment boss Dick Wolf said in a statement. "This is mine."
The original 'Law & Order' is coming back for Season 21 (yahoo.com)
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