funny bad job interviews/ job jokes

Mar. 16 Funny bad job interviews: I was going through my papers and I found this handout when I was in NAIT back in 2005.  There was a unit at the end of the year to help us get a career.  There was this Power Point handout with all these terrible things that happened at the interviews. "A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle." Me: What are you being interviewed for?  Some construction or labor job where you need to show your strength? "Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time." Me: That's terrible and so unprofessional.  This must be really dated with using a Walkman. "Candidate fell and broke arm during interview." Me: That's not unprofessional, but this person was just clumsy. "Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office." Me: That reminds me of an article I read in 2010.  It was in the business section of the newspaper about a guy who started eating his lunch in the middle of the interview because it was the time he usually had his lunch.  This also reminded me of the TV show Lie to Me where Dr. Lightman was interviewing an inmate, and he was eating a fast food as he was talking to him.  Dr. Lightman was trying to test the inmate in a way. "Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer." Me: That kind of reminds me of Family Guy where Peter does a job interview and he is thinking in his mind: "Don't say 'doing your wife.'"  Instead he says: "Doing your son." "Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico." Me: What?  This sounds like some joke I would see on a TV show.  If it was real, then you did tell the police? "Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few min. later wearing a head piece." Me: That is so obvious he's fake. "Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm." Me: I would tell him "That wouldn't be necessary.  I just need you to work here for a year so I know you're loyal." "Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions." Me: What?  She should have prepared herself way more for this interview like go to her therapist and say: "I'm really nervous about this interview.  Let's rehearse some questions."  You can't have somebody holding your hand all the time.  "Candidate brought large dog to interview." Me: I assume it's not a seeing or hearing eye dog for some disability.  "Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up." Me: What?  I think the person may have ruined his pants or something, and that's why he can't sit down.  If he gets up off the chair, there would be a stain or something.  I don't know. "Candidate dozed off during interview." Me: Now that's bad. Weird questions (by job candidates): Here's a Power Point page where employers said they got these questions asked by candidates:  "What is it that you people do at this company?" "What is the company motto?" Me: Do your research before you go into an interview. "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?" Me: The candidate sounds like he's not interested in working here.  This sounds like something you would say when you meet a new person at a party and they tell you their job. "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?" Me: Looks like somebody is into astrology.  Possibly New Age. "Why do you want references?" "Do I have to dress for the next interview?" Me: These are some really dumb questions. "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?" Me: What?  Didn't you just meet? "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland? Me: Why did you ask that?  If you're moving to another place for a job, then you can bring your stuff with you. "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?" Me: That's not too weird of a question if that is your pet.  But that sounds pretty expensive. "Does your health insurance cover pets?" Me: Probably not.  I don't know of any companies who have pet insurance.  You should buy pet insurance. "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?" "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?" Me: Red flags here. "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?" "Why am I here?" Weird statements (by job candidates): "At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking." Me: Red flag.  I would ask: "Do you have a therapist?"  I don't have a problem with shocking, but it depends on what it is.  Like when I was in the talent show in jr. high school, a lot of people were shocked to see me dancing. "I feel uneasy indoors." Me: Are you claustrophobic? "Sometimes I feel like smashing things." Me: Red flag.  Well I'm sure we all do one time or another if we're angry or something. "Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars." Me: Why? "I think Lincoln was greater than Washington." Me: Why are you talking about politics?  Unless the interviewer asked: "Who is your favorite President?" "I am fascinated by fire." Me: That sounds like a red flag.  Though fire can be hypnotic to look at with the flames moving. "I like tall women." Me: This guy could be hitting on the interviewer. "People are always watching me." Me: Do you mean you like performing, being in front of people?  Being noticed? "If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back." Me: This person wants to show that he's honest. "I must admit that I'm a pretty fair talker." Me: This person wants to show he's a good talker. "I never get hungry." Me: Are you auditioning for the TV show Survivor?  If you aren't, there's really no point in bringing this in an interview. "I know who is responsible for most of my troubles." Me: Your mother?  This sounds like you would say that to a therapist. "If the pay was right, I'd travel with a carnival." Me: Is this a joke?  Well I guess I would too, because it sounds fun to travel and it's a fun job to work at. "I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me." Me: Red flag. "My legs are really hairy." "I think I'm going to throw up." Mar. 17 Job joke: I got this from Daily Silly: A man called his law firm and asked the receptionist if he could speak to his lawyer, Mr. Smith. She replied that she was sorry, but his lawyer was dead. The next day the man called again wanting to speak with Mr. Smith. The receptionist again said that she was sorry, but he was dead. The next day, the man rang again and and asked if he could talk to his lawyer Mr. Smith. The receptionist said that she was sorry but she had already told him a hundred times that he was dead. The man replied, I know that, I just like hearing it! Me: This could also be a "laughing about death" joke. Mar. 18: I got this from Daily Silly: Sign on company bulletin board: "This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friend in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck." Here's another one from the site: For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm over worked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.